Ebay Accounts Are Forbidden.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Sadly WordPress doesn’t let you bid on these posts either. I wonder why not?

Still, never mind, we have another Pun Day to look forward too now.

So….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

WANTED:

Assistant required to fill

hourglasses with sand.

No timewasters.

 

.

.

When bakers have a fight

They go at it all Buns Glazing.

 

.

.

My friend is really interested in magnets.

Personally, I can’t see the attraction.

 

.

.

Some bloke just barged into my caravan

accusing me of being the world’s worst psychic.

I don’t know what he was thinking.

 

.

.

I entered a cartoonist competition today,

there were five of us in it,

we drew..

 

.

.

How do trespassers get in your house?

Intruder window.

 

.

.

This morning a beautiful blonde

came up to me in the street

and wrote her phone number on my hand

in bright yellow felt tip pen…

… It was the highlight of my day !

 

.

.

I gave my son a faceless coin.

He couldn’t make head nor tails of it.

 

.

.

If I see one more person misuse an apostrophe

I think Ill go completely nut’s !

 

.

.

I am permanently hooked up to a device

which gives me an electric shock

if I say something negative.

It’s not ideal, but I can’t complain

 

.

.

I’ve noticed that chess players

always close the door behind them

Do you think they don’t like draughts?

 

.

.

Somebody closed the lid on my piano.

Now i can’t open it because the keys are inside.

 

.

.

My friend has just directed his

own under-budget documentary,

“Living with the World’s Smallest Bath”.

I thought I’d give him a little plug.

 

.

.

You can tell the sex of an ant

by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant

 

.

.

The number of people who shout

“Boo!”

to their friends has risen by 85%.

That’s a frightening statistic.

 .

.

===================================

.

BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

.

.

There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

.

.

If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

.

.

My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

.

.

Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

.

.

My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

.

.

There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

.

.

I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

.

.

A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

.

.

I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

.

.

I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

.

My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

.

.

I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

.

.

My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

.

.

I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

.

.

=====================================

.

A Man Walked Into A Hardware Store….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

In case today’s title was a little bit obscure for you, it’s pun day again.

Yes even more of those bad jokes and word plays.

Enjoy!

.

.

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asked the assistant.

“No, it kills them,” was the reply.

.

.

My Doctor told me I’m a Paranoid Schizophrenic.

We think he’s out to get us

.

. 

I went into the pharmacy last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”

“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.

I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

.

. 

I used to go out with a midget but we broke up.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

.

.

I went to the missing persons bureau,

but there was no-one there.

.

. 

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

.

. 

Why do they call it ‘raw’ sewage?

Is someone somewhere cooking it?

.

. 

I am very much into DIY.

Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

.

.

Ted Kennedy got told off for not opening the door for his girlfriend when he was on a date.

Instead he just swam to the surface.

.

. 

Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

.

. 

Food has supplanted sex as the main driving force in my life

– now I can’t even get into my own pants.

.

. 

I had a horrible childhood.

My father was a Pontoon dealer in Vegas,

that’s why he used to hit me till I was 21

.

. 

I conducted an orchestra the other day.

It’s more fun than you can shake a stick at.

.

. 

They say being a hostage is difficult…

…But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

.

. 

What’s got four legs and goes “boo”?

A cow with a cold.

.

. 

The Interstate was blocked for an hour yesterday

after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady.

Police are describing it as a freak accident.

.

. 

Bloody feminists.

They should all be put behind bras.

.

. 

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

. 

==================================

.