Who needs rhetorical questions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It a bit like asking, who needs Puns when you know everybody does!

And here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Apparently most people lean slightly

forward when they nod their head.

I must say I’m inclined to agree.

 nodding head yes

.

.

Where do people from Senegal drive?

In Dakar

 Dakar

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Someone just threw a bottle

of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don’t worry, I only suffered

super fish oil injuries.

 Omega 3 pills

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Skydiving without a parachute is

a once in a lifetime experience.

 Skydiving without a parachute

.

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Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

 Past, Present and Future

.

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I work as a waiter.

The pay isn’t great

but I put food on the table.

 waiter

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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 someone who points out the obvious

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Passport Inspectors:

You’ve got to hand it to them

 Passport Inspector

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My ex-wife was deaf.

She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest,

I should have seen the signs.

 deaf

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When I was little I had imaginary friends

and I used to play with them all the time.

They were real people,

I just imagined they were my friends.

 imaginary friends

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Coke dealers.

Always sticking their business

in other people’s noses.

 Coke dealers

.

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The Beach Boys walk into a bar

“Round?”

“Round?”

“Get a round”

“I get a round?”

“Get a round….”

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I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

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Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

good one

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I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

stuffed animals in museum

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Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

disposable cameras.

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My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

man pointing

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My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

boy with foorball

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Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

Cadbury's

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I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

tiny model of buddha

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Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

skype_logo

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The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

je ne sais quoi

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My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

optimism

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My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

new wardrobe

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I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

dirty weekend

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I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

water trapped in my ears

.

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If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

Bisexual!

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What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

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I’m Sure I’ve Already Posted My Joke About Deja Vu!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Pun Day again.

Does seem a bit déjà vu right enough.

Your chance to giggle or groan, or perhaps a bit of both, as you read the latest word play offerings that we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

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Disposable beds are unreliable.

Disposable beds

.

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My new band is called ‘DEAF’…

We’ve just been signed.

sign language alphabet

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How subtle is the ‘b’ in subtle?

subtle

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I’ve just fixed the work radio that

had been broken for months,

my colleagues were ecstatic.

You should have heard the reception I got.

radio

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I’ve written a book on how to chop onions.

Read it and weep.

how to chop onions

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What sections of swimming pools do I prefer?

Hmm… Depends.

swimming pools deep end

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I’m contemplating inventing a plane with no wings

then selling it to British Airways.

I know what you’re thinking;

it’ll never take off.

airplane_no_wings

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What do you call dyslexic owls?

Slow!

dyslexic owl

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Remember the shock a few years ago,

when we discovered…

Tiger was really a Cheetah.

Tiger a Cheetah

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I recently completed a PhD in Scottish poetry.

You could say I have third degree Burns.

Rabbie Burns

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I used to live on the 13th floor but

have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey. 

13th floor button

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A policeman stopped me as I walked out

of an electrical goods store today.

He said, “Before I perform a search,

do you have anything sharp in your pockets?”

I said, “No, just Sony and Panasonic.”

sharp logo

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I love playing chess at the park with old men.

The hard part is finding 32 of them. 

playing chess at the park with old men

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Since I was a 14 year old lad,

I’ve dated girls in alphabetical order,

starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.

My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I’ll go back to my X.

x

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I was in a quiz the other day and my team,

along with another, tied for first place.

For the ‘tie-breaker’ we were asked one question,

and the first person to shout the correct

answer won it for their team.

The question was as follows.

‘In Paradise Lost, by John Milton,

what was the Capital City of Hell?’

No-one from either team knew the answer

so both teams started shouting loudly

and waving their arms in frustration

at the question being too hard.

Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out

between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.

pandemonium

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Beware The Green Eyed Monster!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.

Well here’s a blog post slightly over 6,000 words. Don’t worry, it won’t take you long to read it.

It’s about the behavior of several heads of state at the Mandela Memorial in South Africa, an event which itself was turned into a bit of a farce.

From sign language interpreters who didn’t know any sign language to politicians not having the sense to realize they were on a world stage and everyone was watching, it was all a bit pathetic really.  

But funny too!

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President Obama shares a joke with

Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt.

Michelle Obama obviously didn’t get it – or did she?

Obama and Helle share a joke - Michelle doesn't get it

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Now a bit of touchy-feely from Obama

who is obviously enjoying the encounter.

The look on Michelle’s face seems to indicate that

she is not too happy with the way things are going.

Obama and Helle touchy feely time

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Obama and Helle take a little ‘selfie’ photo with her cell phone,

as British Prime Minister David Cameron tries to form a threesome.

Michelle, looking even more pissed off glowers into the distance.

(Wonder if the NSA is bugging that phone?)

Obama and Helle selfie photo time

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The happy couple get closer and share another joke.

Michelle gets farther away,

and she still ain’t laughing!

South Africa Mandela Memorial Obama and Helle getting closer

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Obama gets up to say a few words,

assisted by the sign language interpreter for the deaf.

Yes, that’s him,

the interpreter who didn’t know any sign language at all.

You couldn’t make this up!

Obama with interpreter who can't interpret

.

.

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When he come back to sit down again,

Obama finds that the seating arrangements have changed.

Michelle is now between him and the lovely piece of Danish.

Suspecting he may have blundered Obama takes Michelle’s hand and kisses it.

Michelle gazes off into the distance.

She has a “it ain’t gonna be that easy to fix this one, buster” expression on her face.

Obama Michelle kissing hand

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With his new little friend isolated

Obama studiously looks in the other direction. 

Michelle still ain’t laughing!

Obama with new seating arramgement

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A Monday Quiz

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s another Monday quiz here at the fasab blog.

Some tough questions this week, but a few multi-pointers so you still have the chance to score well.

Enjoy and very good luck.

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Quiz_button 02

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Q.  1:  Which Olympic superstar was nicknamed ‘The Czech Locomotive’?

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Q.  2:  Which two Disney ‘characters’ appear in the Bond movie ‘Diamonds Are Forever’?

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Q.  3:  ‘Yamazaki’ is a prize winning what?

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Q.  4:  Which fictional character was well versed in Latin and Greek, played excellent whist, spoke French and Spanish, was tone deaf and suffered from mal de mer?

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Q.  5:  What is the name of the largest mountain range in both Iran and Iraq?

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Q.  6:  We know this famous singer as ‘Sting’, but what is his real name?

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Q.  7:  Bellus, a rogue red star and its companion planet Zyra threaten the earth and cause a Noah’s Ark like scenario in which classic science fiction movie?

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Q.  8:  The name of which trendy beverage translated means ‘stained milk’?

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Q.  9:  Who dictated the Qur’an to Muhammad?

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Q. 10:  In the classic movie ‘Casablanca’, what were the last names for each of the following characters? One point for each correct answer.

a. Rick

b. Ilsa

c. Victor

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Q. 11:  What is the most populated city north of the Arctic Circle?

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Q. 12:  What was Sir Percy Blakeney’s colourful nickname?

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Q. 13:  What is Barrack Obama’s middle name?

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Q. 14:  What does the Greek root ‘hipp’ mean?

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Q. 15:  Which word meaning uproarious is derived from the nickname that was given to the psychiatric institution The Hospital of St. Mary of Bethlehem in London?

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Q. 16:  There are two famous David statues in Florence Italy. Who created  

    a. the bronze David (circa 1435) and

    b. the marble David (1501-1504)?

    (A point for each.)

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Q. 17:  The name of which little island country, popular with tourists, stems from the Portuguese for ‘bearded ones’?

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Q. 18:  Why did Edward VIII have to abdicate in 1936?

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Q. 19:  Twelve English actresses have won the Academy Award for best actress. Can you name them? One point for each correct answer.

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Which Olympic superstar was nicknamed ‘The Czech Locomotive’?

A.  1:  Emil Zatopek.

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Q.  2:  Which two Disney ‘characters’ appear in the Bond movie ‘Diamonds Are Forever’?

A.  2:  Bambi and Thumper. (The two female bodyguards)

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Q.  3:  ‘Yamazaki’ is a prize winning what?

A.  3:  Japanese whiskey.

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Q.  4:  Which fictional character was well versed in Latin and Greek, played excellent whist, spoke French and Spanish, was tone deaf and suffered from mal de mer?

A.  4:  Horatio Hornblower.

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Q.  5:  What is the name of the largest mountain range in both Iran and Iraq?

A.  5:  The Zagros mountains.

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Q.  6:  We know this famous singer as ‘Sting’, but what is his real name?

A.  6:  Gordon Sumner.

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Q.  7:  Bellus, a rogue red star and its companion planet Zyra threaten the earth and cause a Noah’s Ark like scenario in which classic science fiction movie?

A.  7:  When Worlds Collide (1951).

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Q.  8:  The name of which trendy beverage translated means ‘stained milk’?

A.  8:  Latte macchiato.

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Q.  9:  Who dictated the Qur’an to Muhammad?

A.  9:  The angel Jibril (Gabriel).

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Q. 10:  In the classic movie ‘Casablanca’, what were the last names for each of the following characters? One point for each correct answer.

a. Rick

b. Ilsa

c. Victor

A. 10:  Their last names were

a. Rick BLAINE

b. Ilsa LUND

c. Victor LASZLO

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Q. 11:  What is the most populated city north of the Arctic Circle?

A. 11:  Murmansk.

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Q. 12:  What was Sir Percy Blakeney’s colourful nickname?

A. 12:  The Scarlet Pimpernel.

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Q. 13:  What is Barrack Obama’s middle name?

A. 13:  Hussein.

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Q. 14:  What does the Greek root ‘hipp’ mean?

A. 14:  Horse.

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Q. 15:  Which word meaning uproarious is derived from the nickname that was given to the psychiatric institution The Hospital of St. Mary of Bethlehem in London?

A. 15:  Bedlam.

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Q. 16:  There are two famous David statues in Florence Italy. Who created  

    a. the bronze David (circa 1435) and

    b. the marble David (1501-1504)?

    (A point for each.)

A. 16:  a. the bronze David was created by Donatello (Donato di Nicola di Betto Bardi)

    b. the marble David was created by Michaelangelo.

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Q. 17:  The name of which little island country, popular with tourists, stems from the Portuguese for ‘bearded ones’?

A. 17:  Barbados.

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Q. 18:  Why did Edward VIII have to abdicate in 1936?

A. 18:  He wanted to marry Mrs Simpson, a divorcee.

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Q. 19:  Twelve English actresses have won the Academy Award for best actress. Can you name them? One point for each correct answer.

A. 19:  Vivien Leigh, Joan Fontaine, Greer Garson, Olivia de Havilland, Elizabeth Taylor, Julie Andrews, Julie Christie, Maggie Smith, Glenda Jackson, Emma Thompson, Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet.

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball?

A. 20:  Tommy.

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Paddling In The Shallow End – More Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

They’re at it again. Joe Public and friends have been let loose on several more quiz shows to let the world at large see the depth of their knowledge. Suffice to say we will all be paddling in the shallow end today.

Enjoy!  

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Q:  There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?

A:  Jelly.

states of matter

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Q:  How many Olympic Games have been held?

A:  Six.

Q:  Higher!

A:  Five.

olympic games logo

 .

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Q:  In which country is Mount Everest?

A: (long pause): Er, it’s not in Scotland, is it?

Scots mountaineer

 .

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Q:  We’re looking for an occupation beginning with T.

A:  Doctor.

Q:  No, it’s ‘T’. ‘T’ for Tommy. ‘T’ for Tango.

A:  Oh, (pause) Doctor.

docTor

 .

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Q:  Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

A:  I need a clue.

Q:  OK. What do beans come in?

A:  Cartons?

beans in cans

 .

 .

Q:  In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.

A:  Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

Nigel Benn boxer!
Nigel Benn boxer!

 .

 .

Q:  What is the Italian word for ‘motorway’?

A:  Expresso.

Espresso

 .

 .

Q:  The action of which Shakespeare play takes place between dusk on January 5 and dawn on January 6?

A:  A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Shakespeare, to blog or not to blog

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Q:  Was the Tyrannosaurus Rex a carnivore or a herbivore?

A:  No, it was a dinosaur.

Cartoon Tyrannosaurus Rex

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 .

Q:  Name the German national airline.

A:  The Luftwaffe.

Luftwaffe logo

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 .

Q:  What is the name of the cord cut after a woman gives birth?

A:  Biblical cord.

biblical cord cartoon

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 .

Q:  Which classical composer became deaf in later life: Ludwig van . . ?

A:  Van Gogh.

Beethoven

 .

 .

Q:  Name a selection of small, highly colored sweets known as Dolly . . ?

A:  Parton.

Dolly Parton

 .

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Q:  Name a famous bridge.

A:  The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Bridge Over Troubled Water

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Q:  In 1863, which American president gave the Gettysburg Address?

A:  I don’t know, it was before I was born.

Lincoln's Gettysburg Address

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Q:  In the 1940s, which politician was responsible for the welfare state: William . . who?

A:  The Conqueror.

William the Conqueror cartoon

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Q:  What is the name of the primitive language used by the Ancient Egyptians and painted on walls?

A:  Hydraulics.

cartoon egyptian

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Q:  In science, what is botany the study of?

A:  Bottoms.

bottoms up

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Four!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Here is installment four of the classified ads. The place where Joe Public gets a chance to show off his or her marketing skills to the world at large.

I’m sure a lot of these were read and reread and drafted and redrafted a number of time to create the perfection that they clearly are.

And I’ve included a nice romantic one at the end for all you ladies.

Enjoy.

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