Twitter Treasure

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Twitter is a good invention. It’s easy and fun. Much less demanding and intrusive than Facebook. So much so that many millions of people, from the famous to ordinary people like you and I, use it every day.

On the back of that success the Twitter company is doing very well. But recently it did even better when its shares jumped four per cent in a matter of minutes.

It all happened after a buyout story appeared on the internet that claimed that Twitter had received a significant offer. It started off, “Twitter is working closely with bankers after receiving an offer to be bought out for $31 billion…”

Investors piled in. And not just the amateurs, lots of the ‘professional’ Wall Street guys too.

The trouble was, however, that the internet story was on a bogus web site and was completely fake. The site was called “bloomberg.market”. It was not “Bloomberg.com” the official name of the web presence for the Bloomberg financial organization.

“Bloomberg.market” was what they call a ‘mirror’ of the genuine “Bloomberg.com” website. Whoever designed “bloomberg.market” set it up to look like “Bloomberg.com”. They copied real headlines and linked them back to the real dot-com website. With one exception: the fake Twitter story, which was dressed up to look like a legitimate webpage.

The spike in the Twitter share price only lasted about 15 minutes before Bloomberg denounced the story as fake and the share price dropped back to its previous level. But 15 minutes is a long time in the world of finance and plenty of time for someone to profit substantially from the scam.

No one yet knows who owns the dot-market domain – except the people who own it, of course –  but it was registered just days before the scam message, using a proxy service called “WhoisGuard”, based in Panama, that protects registrant details by offering its own address and contact numbers. But the details of “WhoisGuard” on its own website at “WhoisGuard.com” also appear to be fake, listing a telephone number that is disconnected. Emails to their contact address have not received a response either.

The significance of this incident is not that some greedy and stupid people lost money rushing to buy Twitter shares on the back of this fake announcement.

The problem is that so many new dot word domains have recently been allowed – hundreds of them in fact – that the whole internet is becoming bloated and confusing. And expensive.

If you are a company that wants to protect your online identity and integrity it could now cost you tens of thousands of dollars to cover all the permutations. Not many companies, even huge affairs like Bloomberg, will choose to do that.

That leaves the way wide open for cyber criminals to take advantage of gullible internet users.

I am certain they will.

Like the Twitter announcement, it’s just too good a deal to refuse.

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Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

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I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

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“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

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I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

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I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

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You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

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The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

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I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

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Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

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I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

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I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

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When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

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Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

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Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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I’m Planning On Being More Spontaneous In The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

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I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

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My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

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I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

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I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

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I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

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Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

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I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

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I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

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You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

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You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

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I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

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After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

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As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

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I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

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Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

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The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

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I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

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Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

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The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

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I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

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People Who Use Euphemisms Really Get On My You Know Whats!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day!

Twenty more examples of word play to make you smile or groan, or maybe even both.

Enjoy!

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No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t figure out

what’s the opposite of ironing.

It’s depressing.

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What’s the difference between mountains and hills?

Mountains tend to get high, but hills are less inclined

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After criticizing yet another outfit, my wife said she

was going to leave me due to my poor dress sense.

“Please baby” I pleaded. “I can change.”

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Doctor Who started working for our road repair company today,

his first job was to fill in potholes.

“Tardis”, I told him.

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Pepperami..

What Sgt Pepper served in.

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Did you hear about the guy who was so stupid

that when they gave him enough rope,

he shot himself.

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The blow hard bloke next door says his car is more powerful than mine

and that he would easily beat me in a race.

He’s all torque.

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I’ve been caught up in a race row.

I don’t care what he says, I won fair and square.

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People often tell me I have very little patience.

But that’s probably because I’m a doctor specializing in dwarfism.

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A friend of mine accused me of plagiarism.

I didn’t know what that meant, but I took his word.

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I saw that the latest remake of the Dukes of Hazzard includes

a scene where Bo and Luke install a talking car alarm.

I’m not sure that’s going to go down well,

General Lee speaking.

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The wife used to work on a maternity ward.

It was labor-intensive.

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My new neighbor works in a board game factory.

His job is to take small wooden cubes and engrave them.

I don’t like him…

He’s dot a dice person.

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I stopped at a hotel last night called

“The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

It was a Best Western.

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

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At an awards dinner last night,

I just finished enjoying some middle eastern dip

when I was called up to accept my award.

It was post hummus.

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A few weeks ago, 1,400 people were killed in Syria by a chemical attack.

It almost became Obama’s road to Degasmasks.

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I can never wear my lucky golf socks again.

I got a hole in one.

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And since we are almost at the end of today’s post,

I have to announce that unfortunately tonight’s

Self Harmers Anonymous group

has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

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An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant

and asked “Is there any chicken on the menu?”

I replied “No black Betty, it’s ham or lamb.”

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Beware Of Geeks Bearing GIFs!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Yes, prepare to give you chuckle muscles a workout.

It’s pun day.

Another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy   

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I’ve been trying to get this computer to work for an hour now.

Wish I’d bought a laptop.

So much lighter to carry.

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My friend clearly wears dentures but won’t admit it.

He’s lying through his teeth.

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Still thinking of taking that long term job in the PDRK?

Personally I’d choose a different Korea.

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As my wife and three of her friends

squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers,

I muttered under my breath, “Fat cows.”

“What was that?” snapped my wife.

“You herd.”

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I thought I was in for the long hall.

But it was just a really big mirror at the end of it.

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I was in the fitting room when a

beautiful woman walked in holding a lacy bra.

I think she was trying it on.

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Scientists have discovered a new shade of green.

It’s sublime.

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Old MacDonald loves to play with action dolls….

G I G I Joe.

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I clicked on the ‘Home Alone’ link earlier.

It opened a page for an Italian mortgage company.

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I entered my dog in the redneck dog show last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

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Would anyone like to buy any cymbal shaped pillows?

$50 Per cushion.

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Think the worst time of my life was when I worked as a cinema usher.

I was in a very dark place back then.

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It’s amazing how a piece of technology as simple

as a tablet can revolutionize your life.

Those viagra are amazing.

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I’ve found the alcohol which has solved all my problems.

It was liqueur.

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I have a lot of hangups.

I blame telemarketers.

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I’ve styled my hair so that it appears like I’ve got horns.

It’s my gnu look.

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NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden left Moscow Airport a while ago.

He’s no longer hiding in plane site.

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Bauxite refining is a secret carefully guarded by the aluminati.

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I can’t see the new Nicholas Cage action movie doing very well.

He plays a wrongly convicted man, trapped among

a bunch of the world’s most dangerous criminals,

all stuck inside a Refrigeration Factory.

It’s called Air Con

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Finally when I saw a woman had broken down at

the side of the road I didn’t stop to help her.

I’m not a psychiatrist.

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Oh No! Not Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The Sunday Sermon.

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If you have read any of my previous entries in the politics section of this blog you will already be aware of my extremely low opinion of the intelligence of those in America who are in charge of foreign policy.

These idiots blunder about knowing little of history or tradition in other nations and make quick reaction judgments that are short sighted and that have continually come back to bite them on the ass.

Well, not them exactly, but the poor servicemen and women who are sent in to mop up their messes.

So what has got me ranting this time?

Only the fact that the morons in charge are currently negotiating what is being called ‘a groundbreaking agreement’ that will give American nuclear know-how to the country where Osama Bin Laden and the vast majority of the 9/11 terrorists came from.

Yes, Saudi Arabia.

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The short-sighted US strategy is probably to assist an ally (an oil rich one, of course) to make it an unconquerable target for any of the other states in the area who have expansionist plans for the future.

Great – while the Saud family stay in control, or while a sensible member of the Saud family is in charge.

But what happens if, sometime down the road, the ruling dynasty is overthrown? Not an unknown occurrence in the Middle East. Or what happens if one day there is the equivalent of an ‘Osama’ in the Saud family just as there was in the Bin Laden family?

And what happened to all those non proliferation agreements designed to keep dangerous weapons out of the hands of those incapable of handling them sensibly?

The last thing the Middle East needs is yet another country developing nuclear weapons capability. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.

If the consequences were not so potentially tragic, it would be fun watching the political morons in Washington justifying going to war to take nuclear capability away from Iran, which at least holds democratic elections, yet at the same time giving nuclear capability to Saudi Arabia which is an undemocratic dictatorship.

Not even the most devout liberal could spin that one to make it sound good!

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Fact File Fun Facts

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Fact file fun facts it says and fact file fun facts they are.

As random as ever, you’re sure to find something that you didn’t know before.

Enjoy.

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A shrimp can swim backwards.

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Kathleen Casey-Kirschling of Philadelphia

was born at 12:00:01 A.M., Eastern time, on January 1st, 1946.

This not only made her the first child born in the United States that year,

but also made her the first “Baby Boomer.”

 

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At 6000 degrees Kelvin,

the surface of the Sun is actually one of its coolest spots.

Both the Sun’s interior and its corona

measure in the millions of degrees Kelvin.

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Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 years old

when he discovered the law of universal gravitation.

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When Burger King decided to sell fast-food Down Under,

they found that there was already a local carry-out restaurant called “Burger King.”

As a result, if you’re looking for a Whopper in Australia today,

you’ll have to go to a chain called “Hungry Jack’s.”

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More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones.

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If you combine the electoral college results

of the ’80 and ’84 elections, Reagan won 1014-62.

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In the United States the two-digit Interstate numbers

are designed to let drivers know the general direction of the highway.

If the Interstate has an odd number, it runs north-south.

Interstates with even numbers run east-west.

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More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia)

than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).

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Goosebumps are actually caused by a muscle.

It is called the arrector pili muscle.

Doesn’t knowing that give you…

I mean, stimulate your arrector pili muscle?

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The word “samba” means “to rub navels together.”

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Paul Hunn holds the record for the loudest burp,

which was 118.1 decibels, which is as loud as a chainsaw

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All dogs are the same species, meaning that

(notwithstanding the obvious physical challenge)

a Chihuahua and a St. Bernard could procreate.

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Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin

were born on the exact same day.

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The Chicago River used to flow into Lake Michigan,

but the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers switched it to flow backwards,

AWAY from the lake, for sanitation purposes.

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Swedish pop sensations ABBA had to negotiate the rights

to their name with a canned fish company.

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In the 16th century, gin was referred to as “mother’s ruin”

because people thought it could induce an abortion.

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The Neanderthal’s brain was actually

bigger than yours is, not smaller.

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The area where Washington, D.C., now stands

was originally a mosquito-infested swamp.

It took years to drain and clear the land before the

nation’s government was moved to the city in 1800.

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William Wrigley originally started in the baking powder business.

With his powder, he gave a free pack of his gum.

He later abandoned the baking powder business

when he learned that people were buying it just to get the gum.

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Can You Believe It? I’ve Run Out Of Puns!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Okay, wipe that smirk off your faces.

Of course I haven’t run out of puns. Whoever would believe such a thing.

And just to prove it, here are some more.

Enjoy, I know you will.

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I ate the burger with relish.

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Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens ?

A: Because all they would say was ” Bach , Bach ………Bach , Bach”

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You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic.

But where is the proof?

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The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.

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When they said I was mad I went out and got drunk.

I guess it was a choice between having a bottle in front of me

or a frontal lobotomy.

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When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.

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Coffee is for mugs

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Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

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My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.”

I thought great, threw on some shorts and

flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find

our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

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There’s no denying it, Rap is 75% Crap

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I just saw an advert for the new film: ‘The Hole – Now in 3D!’

Well, surely it has to be in 3D otherwise it’s just a circle.

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You invented White Out didn’t you?

Correct me If I’m wrong….

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A lot of stupid people who don’t keep up with current

affairs still don’t know who Kim Jong Un is.

Duhhh, she is the leader of North Korea.

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An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being

sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.

So I guess it’s no more mist and ice guy.

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Q. What makes a riot?

A. Three dyslexics.

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A colleague just burst into my office

while I was busy working

and demanded to know what an

electrical synapse in the human body was.

The nerve.

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Did you hear about the guy who got his thrills

by shoving resistors up his bottom.

He definitely sounds like an Ohmosexual to me.

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My internet bride got delivered today.

She’s the WiFi always dreamed of.

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If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

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Finally some news from this week on the stock market.

Helium was up, but feathers were down.

Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points.

Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline.

Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom.

The raisin market has dried up.

Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.

Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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