To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 birdie

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 haircuts

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 file cabinet

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 watermelons

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 mixed metaphors

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 mother clipart

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 Spanish Inquisition Monty Python

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 cocktails

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 Paramount_Pictures_print_logo_(1968)

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 crossword compiler

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 pen name

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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Puns About Monorails Always Make For Decent One-Liners.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It is just as hard to guage the size of a monorail as it is to guage the popularity of puns.

Here is another selection of word plays that may help you make up your mind.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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According to ‘serving suggestions’

I’m a family of four

 'serving suggestions

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Me and my friend used to spend

all our time together in a tree-house,

but then we fell out.

 tree-house

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I come from a small town

whose population never changes.

Every time a woman falls pregnant,

someone leaves town.

 woman falls pregnant

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A synanym is a word you use

in place of one you can’t spell.

 synanym

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It’s difficult to say something tongue-in-cheek

without people thinking you have a speech impediment.

 obama tongue-in-cheek

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 I had the right to remain silent,

unfortunately I didn’t have the ability.

 right to remain silent

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It’s my first session with the

Impatience Support Group is tonight

…….. I can’t wait.

 Impatience

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I realized I didn’t have many friends

when I tried to text Ben,

scrolled down my contacts list

and accidentally texted William.

 Contact list

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My doctor said to me,

“Do you know your sperm count?”

I said,

“No, I didn’t know they were that clever.”

 paul-noth-you-need-to-get-your-cholesterol-where-your-sperm-count-is-new-yorker-cartoon

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Did you hear about the American

who went on a holiday to India and

didn’t manage to see a single wig wam?

 wig wam

.

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How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?

By becoming a Ventriloquist.

 scared Gynaecologist

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Finally, here’s a joke for

all the mind readers out there….

mind reader

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Did you like it?

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I Can’t Stand X-Rays. They Go Right Through Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some people feel the same way about puns.

I hope that doesn’t include you though.

So here are some more to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I didn’t know how to spell “plagiarized”

so I copied and pasted it.

copy and paste

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A foreign lady at the market held

two pineapples up to me yesterday and said

“I give you two for one sir”.

It seemed like a fair swap, but unfortunately

I didn’t have a pineapple on me.

pineapples

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I got a luxury prize for using the correct

punctuation mark to denote ownership.

It was a posh trophy.

Apostrophe

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Whenever I go on a long country ramble,

I always take a good reliable compass with me.

You just never know when you might need to draw a circle.

compass

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Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked,

“Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.”

I said, “No, It’s not for me, my name’s Smith.”

Postman-Pat

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Went to a funfair the other day and saw that

the sign advertising it was missing the first F.

That’s just unfair.

Unfair

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A new book out today:

the Korean canine training manual

50 Ways to Wok your Dog

cook-with-a-wok

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed

by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material

and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

Sedimentary, my dear Watson

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I tried to order some tennis balls

off the internet last night

but the site kept crashing.

Must be having problems with their server.

tennis ball

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A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.

The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.

Sila Sahin first Muslim to pose for Playboy

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I was going to make a herb garden the other day,

but I just haven’t got the thyme.

Indoor-Herb-Garden

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I failed Geography at school.

I couldn’t find the exam room

exam room

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Have you noticed that prison walls

are never built to scale.

prison walls

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I was on holiday in Spain when a friend  phoned me.

“How’s the hotel?” he asked.

“Well, I can’t complain, “ I replied.

“Oh, that’s good then,” he said.

I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.”

no hablo espanol

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A guy is climbing to the top of Mount Everest.

He has two steps to go when one of them notices

the heel on his right shoe is a little loose,

yet he decides to continue.

At the next step, the heel comes off and

the guy goes tumbling down the mountain.

As he goes by, he passes a couple of climbers.

First climber: Think we should help him?

Second climber: No, as he was going down

I heard him singing

“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.”

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Did You Know? – I Didn’t.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, I have to admit that many of the facts that I use on these posts are just as big a surprise to me as they possibly are to you.

But I hope interesting, as well.

Here is the latest batch from the archives.

Enjoy.

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facts 04

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There are 13 ways to spell

the “o” sound in French

the-simpsons-d-oh

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There is a planet called HD189733b

where it rains glass sideways.

planet HD189733b

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The language of the Native American Zuni tribe

has resemblances to Japanese.

Subsequent research confirmed

biological similarities between the groups.

Native American Zuni tribe

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For a long time the world believed Troy to be a mythical city

and the Trojan War to be little more than legend,

until Heinrich Schliemann discovered the actual remains of the city.

Troy

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Despite the common myth that large brains equal more intelligence,

people like Einstein actually had a smaller brain

(only difference is, he used his!)

Einstein

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Vikings didn’t have horns on their helmets.

Viking helmet

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A man  named James Boole survived a fall of 6,000 feet

without a parachute with only a broken back and ribs.

It is estimated that when Boole hit the ground,

he was falling at about 100 kilometers per hour.

James Boole

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There is no such thing as a banana tree,

bananas grow on a banana plant.

banana plant

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Nuclear rain from the Chernobyl disaster

fell as far away as Ireland

where sheep farmers were banned from

selling their animals for human consumption for a time.

chernobyl-radiation-map

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For years Big Pharma made $millions off selling people

anti-stress drugs to cure their ulcers,

until an Australian scientist proved the ulcers

were quite often caused by bacteria and were easily curable.

anti-stress drugs

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Fourteen of the original rides from

Disneyland’s 1955 opening are still in operation.

original rides from Disneyland

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Nice comes from a Latin word meaning “ignorant”.

nescius

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Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body

could cover about one square inch.

cells from the human body

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When Robert Williams tried to retrieve

a faulty part at a Ford Motor’s casting plant,

the malfunctioning machine reactivated

and its arm slammed into his head, killing him instantly.

He is the first man in history to have been killed by a robot.

Ford Motor Company robot

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In one of the stupidest decision

in the history of the music industry,

Decca Records turned down the Beatles

because they “weren’t sellable”.

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It’s Hard To Explain How Good I Am At Describing Things!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

dreaming in color

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My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

office escalator

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First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

straight jacket

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Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

job interview cartoon

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I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

ski hire

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I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

shire horse

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I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

cartoon hospital

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I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

hover boards

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Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

Pirate cheerleaders

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A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

lyre

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It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

Google’s birthday

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I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

depression test

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I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

training porpoises

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If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

a trap

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Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

.

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Hope You Know Your Countries And A Lot Of Other Stuff – It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As the title suggests today there are a lot of questions concerning countries.

But don’t worry, they are related to different subjects, not necessarily geography.

And there is the usual random selection to go along with them, so why not have a go?

As usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy the challenge.

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quiz 2

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Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

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Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

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Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

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Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw‘ are all examples of what?

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Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile? (One point for each correct answer.)

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Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

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Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

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Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

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Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

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Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

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Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

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Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

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Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

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Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

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Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

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Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

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Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

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Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

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Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

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Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

A.  1:    A ‘vaporetto’ is a Venetian Waterbus

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Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

A.  2:    Venom is injected, poison is ingested or inhaled.

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Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

A.  3:  Australia

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Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw’ are all examples of what?

A.  4:  Mushrooms

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Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile?  (One point for each correct answer.)

A.  5:  Mongolia (4 people per sq. mile), Canada (8), Australia (8), Libya (9) and Kazakhstan (15)

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Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

A.  6:  Highlander

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Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

A.  7:  9

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Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

A.  8:  Cutty Sark

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Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

A.  9:  Argentina

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Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

A. 10:  Bell ringing.

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Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

A. 11:  The Ford Model-T automobile

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Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

A. 12:  M*A*S*H

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Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

A. 13:  Brother (as in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love)

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Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

A. 14:  The Treaty of Paris

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Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

A. 15:  LAO (Law and Order)

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Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

A. 16:  8

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Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

A. 17:  Pasta (Strozzapreti pasta, means ‘priest choker’)

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Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

A. 18:  Bulls Eye

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Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

A. 19:  40

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Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

A. 20:  SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

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You Only Get the Right Answers If You Ask the Right Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Tuesday and we have another selection of those questions that are worth asking, but hardly anyone asks. Should we just accept thing the way they are, or should we start to question what is happening around us a little more?

Here we go. Enjoy!

 

 

You know the expression, ‘Don’t quit your day job?’

Well what do you say to people that work nights?

 

 

Why is the ‘0’ on a phone after the ‘1’ and not before the ‘1’?

 

 

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

 

 

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, ‘I wish you would not grant me this wish’ what would you do?

 

 

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

 

 

Why doesn’t the armpit hair have split ends?

 

 

Do pyromaniacs like to wear blazers?

 

 

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

 

 

Why is something funny called a ‘knee-slapper’ when you actually slap your thigh?

 

 

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then in school have them read about wars that solved problems?

 

 

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

 

 

Why does someone believe you when you say something like, “There are four billion stars,” but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

 

What would happen if Batman got bitten by a vampire?

 

 

Why can’t we spell creativity however we want?

 

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?”

 

 

Has your mate ever called you at work to ask where the remote control is?

 

 

Was the person who invented the Express Lane at the grocery store ever properly thanked?

 

 

Why do you seldom if ever see ads for advertising companies?

 

 

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?

 

 

Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?

 

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