The ‘F’ Word And More – It’s Fasab Fact Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Don’t be offended by the title.

An ‘F’ word here or there never hurt anyone.

So get stuck into the facts (that’s an ‘F’ word too!)

Enjoy.

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who is afraid of the 'F' word

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In 2011 approximately one third

of divorce filings in the US

contained the ‘F’ word,

yes, that’s the one

“facebook”.

(See, it wasn’t nearly

as bad as you thought.)

facebook divorce evidence

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HOT fact:

The temperature of the Earth’s core is

5500 degrees celsius (9900 degrees fahrenheit).

That is the same temperature as the surface of the sun.

temperature of the Earth's core

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Getting a silver medal in the Olympics

will make you feel worse than getting a bronze

(because you just missed the gold)

silver medal in the Olympics London 2012

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There is actually a beer brewed

from bananas in some countries

beer brewed from bananas

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Out of 44 Presidents of the United States,

32 have served in the military.

15 Presidents served in the Army/Army Reserve,

9 served in state militias,

6 served in the Navy/Naval Reserve

and 2 served in the Continental Army.

President Reagan Military Service

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Croatian Josip Belušic invented the speedometer.

(How about that for a fast fact?)

Josip Belušic

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Answering the call of nature is something

Europeans usually associate with the utmost privacy,

which is why American toilets,

with huge bottom and side gaps,

seem so weird to some foreigners.

American toilets

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The first webcam was actually created

to monitor a coffee pot at

the University of Cambridge.

first webcam

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Russian spies used to use hollow coins

to pass messages to each other in the US

and one of these coins made it into circulation.

One day a paperboy dropped the coin

and it split open revealing its coded contents.

The code baffled the FBI and CIA

until a Russian spy defected to the US

and interpreted the note.

It was a welcome message from Moscow

…and it was intended for him.

hollow coins to pass messages

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In Australia there is a river

called the ‘Never Never River’.

Never Never River

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The toaster in your kitchen

contains a more powerful computer

than the one used by NASA

to send astronauts to the moon.

It only had 64Kbyte of memory

and operated at 0.043MHz.

toaster

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After the release of the Top Gun movie in 1986,

the US Navy stated that the number of

young men who wanted to become Naval Aviators

went up by 500 percent.

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Maths Puns Are The First Sine Of Madness.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I wonder what the second sine is?

But let’s not go off at a tangent.

Let’s just enjoy another Pun Day instead.

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rofl

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The first rule of Innuendo Club is

you can only enter via the back door.

 please use back door

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I’ve been sitting here all day trying to

think of anagrams of the word ‘wired’

but I can only think of one.

Which is weird.

 

weird

 

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This morning my physiotherapist

tapped my knee with a plastic hammer

and made my leg jerk.

The nerve.

 knee tapped with a plastic hammer

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Are people who believe in

ghosts very ghoulable?

 ghost

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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it’ll still be stationery.

 push the envelope

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My friend was arrested for drunk driving

on a motorized shopping cart at WalMart.

Apparently he led the police on a chase

that reached 90 aisles per hour.

 motorized shopping cart

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“All you ever talk about is golf!”

My wife shouted.

“Golf, golf and more bloody golf!”

“Calm down love,” I said.

“Don’t let this driver wedge between us.”

 golf

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I went to buy pork chops and told

the butcher to make them lean.

He said, ‘Which way?’

 pork chops cartoon

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Many scientists agree the only way to solve

the planet’s worsening energy crisis

is for the whole world to convert to solar power.

That’s not going to happen overnight.

 solar power

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I was the first person to install trampolines

in musician’s tour buses and now

everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

 trampoline

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I said to my blind date, “I actually take

a plane to work and back every single day.”

“Wow, you must be wealthy.” She said.

“Everything but,” I replied,

“I’m just a carpenter.”

 carpenter's plane

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I bumped into the guy

who invented the globe.

It’s a small world.

 globe

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Why did the poet kill himself

by walking into the road?

Because he thought there

was nothing left to right.

 walking into the road

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I never thought I’d buy into Feng Shui.

But oh how the tables have turned.

 feng-shui-color-chart

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I was in a music group

called ‘Illegal imports’.

We were a contraband.

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Why Do I Like Masochism? Beats Me!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And for those masochists among you here is another selection of word plays, or puns.

You know what’s coming.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

As an avid gardener,

I got so excited by summer coming,

I wet my plants.

wet my plants

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The jar I put money into every

time I use profanities

has really helped me cut back.

I swear by it.

swear jar

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I was just told by someone

to stop being so unsavory.

I thought that’s sweet.

sweet

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Apparently it’s really easy to cook Monkfish,

Just stick it on the Friar….

Monkfish

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What do you call a girl

who keeps disappearing?

Heidi.

girl_hiding_behind_door

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I’ve just paid $10 for a 19th century painting

of a cow from the local charity shop.

I think it might be Art Mooveau.

painting of a cow

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What do you call

a Muslim doctor?

Amed.

Muslim doctor

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My dentist has accused me

of non-cooperation during appointments.

I’m keeping my mouth shut.

A man scared of dentists has taped his mouth shut.

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Having considered buying a couple of

calves at a livestock auction for $200,

I ended up purchasing two lambs for $100

which were sheep at half the price

sheep at half the price

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I thought it was weird when my friend

told me he’d fallen in love with a puppet.

Now he’s planning on marionette.

marionette

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I only enjoy carbonated drinks..

Soda speak.

carbonated drinks

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My wife said if I took one more

picture of her she’d leave me.

That’s when I snapped.

and_thats_when_i_snapped

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What’s better than

a cake on the table?

A tart on the floor.

cake on the table

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Our identical twins are impossible to tell apart.

They even wear the same aftershave.

Well, it’s not so much aftershave,

it’s more like Eau de Clone.

Eau de Clone

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My friend got me a poster of my

favourite 70’s Glam Rock band.

Sweet!

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BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

salvador-dali-apparition-visage-compotier-plage

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There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

zen_buddhism_philosophy_and_mysticism

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If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

earlobe

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My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

rocky

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Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

Poppadoms

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My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

man walking in front of woman

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There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

boogie man

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I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

redneck-dogs

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A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

crossword

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I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

Winston Churchill

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I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

batteries

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My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

a variety of drugs

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I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

Looking In Mirror

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My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

secretary

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I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

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I Decide Which Beer To Drink On A Case By Case Basis!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What other way can you sample beer?

While you are thinking about that here are a few more samples of word plays, otherwise knows as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I photographed myself stealing from

the DIY store earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

shelves

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My friend Dave has drunk many weird

and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

Armani_Cologne_for_men

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I don’t know why people feel the need to travel

around the world to “find themselves”;

I found myself years ago.

Turns out I was right under my nose.

nose

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I’ve recently been a stunt man in a couple of movies.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

Will-Dean-stunt-man-006

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I bought a chair at the furniture store

from a new range based on Thai furniture.

It’s called a ‘Ladyboy’.

La-Z-Boy

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Have you visited www. conjunctivitis. com?

It’s a site for sore eyes

sore eyes

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My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.

cartoon-ham-8

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With these terrible storms, I’ve been trying to think

of a way of stopping the water entering my property.

Can’t come up with anything though.

Damn!

sandbags dam

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Dijon vu

dijon vu mustard

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My sister fell in love with an arsonist.

She carried a torch for him for months.

They eventually split up, after a blazing row.

lit match

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The new strip bar in my town doesn’t let Jews in.

It’s a gentile man’s club.

Strip-Bar-sign

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I took a ‘Mickey Mouse’ degree and now

I’m head of animation at Disney Studios.

Mickey_Mouse

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Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

“Did you find the shampoo?”

“Oi did,” Paddy says,

“But it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

dry hair shampoo

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One of the Sisters at the convent was kidnapped the other day.

Police blamed the lack of security at the premises.

The local newspaper summed it up with the headline…

“No ‘fence.  Nun taken.”

SISTER

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I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

blank page

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The Weirdest Of Coincidences

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The hospital was just like any other.

It had accident and emergency, medical, surgical and all the other usual departments and wards. It also had an Intensive Care Unit, well staffed and managed, just like any other.

Except that this Intensive Care Unit wasn’t just like any other. Patients kept dying in this unit.

Not only that, but they always died in the same bed, and at the same time, on Sunday mornings at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. 

It had been that way for a while and doctors, nurses and the hospital management were not only puzzled, but rather nervous too.

What could possibly be the reason? The laws of probability made this occurrence way more than one in a million.

Some even thought it had to have something to do with the super natural.

Had something terrible happened in that ward sometime in the past?

Was the hospital built on the site of some awful tragedy that had taken place years ago?

Was there some kind of portal to another dimension where evil entities could enter and leave?

There were many more questions than answers, but no one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths always occurred in the same bed and around the same time, 11:00 am Sunday.

Eventually a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. It included scientists, medical experts, a crew with electronic detection equipment, several clergymen  and even a medium. 

They were prepared for anything and everything.

Or so they thought.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited with the team of experts outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. 

Some were holding wooden crosses, others prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. 

Then, just when the clock struck 11:00 am, the ward door suddenly burst open.

The crowd of watchers gasped.

Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward.

He walked over to the wall beside the offending bed, unplugged the life support system and plugged in his vacuum cleaner.

Turns out the culprit was Pookie and not a spookie after all.

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The hospital cleaner

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