Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

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What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

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There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

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If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

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My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

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Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

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My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

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There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

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I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

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A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

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I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

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I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

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My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

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I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

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My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

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I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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