“I Think,” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam.”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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Well today I yam the poster of more puns.
Keep your groans handy, you might need ‘em.
Enjoy or endure.
rofl.

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You can say what you like

about freedom of speech.

freedom_of_speech_in_europe

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I would love to dance at a metric party,

but I have two left 0.305 meters.

Meter-to-Foot-conversion
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Waiters are good at multiplication

because they know their tables.

waiter
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I accidentally grabbed a

live electric cable yesterday.

It really Hertz.

live electric cable
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Capital punishment.

capital PUNISHMENT
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I used to work at a car garage

that had a jet wash.

It was pointless,

there was nowhere for them to land.

airplane washing
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I got a 24 hour clock from

a garage sale for only 10/c.

They’ll be so mad,

it’s lasted far longer.

24 hour clock
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I’m in court accused of the murders of

Dracula and Monte Cristo.

I’m pleading guilty to both Counts.

Dracula and Monte Cristo
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There’s a Muslim in the street carrying a gun.

Police say he’s Ahmed and dangerous.

Ahmed and dangerous
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My ex girlfriend text to say that

she’d made a voodoo doll of me.

I think she’s pulling my leg.

Voodoo-doll
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I used to have a job in the police force,

in which I’d break into secure

computer files to uncover criminal activity.

That was until I was met by one system

that proved I wasn’t up to the job.

I just couldn’t hack it.

hacker

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Driving home, I noticed I had a

police car right up my ass.

Must have a word with my nephew

about leaving his toys lying around.

toy-police-car
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I’d been worrying about my

geography exam for a long time.

When I sat down to take it,

the first question read;

“What is the correct term for any wind that

blows between 4 and 30 miles per hour?”

I don’t know what I was worried about.

It was a breeze.

breeze
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I was so nervous when I met my

future father-in-law that i blurted out,

“Sir, May I have your daughters

hole in handy matrimony?”

met my future father-in-law
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What do you call a bunch of

kleptomaniacs with musical instruments?

A Steal Band.
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Okay, I Give Up – Show Me The Money!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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money

I know it isn’t quiz day today, but this is just a short post to ask one very pertinent question – one that deserves an answer.

Quantitative Easing ended on Wednesday past.

QE was the media tag given to the process whereby the US Federal Reserve has printed $3.6 trillion over the past few years.

Quantitative Easing

The Bank of England did it in Britain too, and so did the European Central Bank for the European Union.

So where did all that money go?

I didn’t get any of it.

Did you?

But it must have gone somewhere.

Someone must have got it.

So where is it now?

If you know the answer please do tell. I, and I am sure many other people, would be interested in the answer.

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I’m Sure I’ve Already Posted My Joke About Deja Vu!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Pun Day again.

Does seem a bit déjà vu right enough.

Your chance to giggle or groan, or perhaps a bit of both, as you read the latest word play offerings that we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Disposable beds are unreliable.

Disposable beds

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My new band is called ‘DEAF’…

We’ve just been signed.

sign language alphabet

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How subtle is the ‘b’ in subtle?

subtle

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I’ve just fixed the work radio that

had been broken for months,

my colleagues were ecstatic.

You should have heard the reception I got.

radio

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I’ve written a book on how to chop onions.

Read it and weep.

how to chop onions

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What sections of swimming pools do I prefer?

Hmm… Depends.

swimming pools deep end

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I’m contemplating inventing a plane with no wings

then selling it to British Airways.

I know what you’re thinking;

it’ll never take off.

airplane_no_wings

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What do you call dyslexic owls?

Slow!

dyslexic owl

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Remember the shock a few years ago,

when we discovered…

Tiger was really a Cheetah.

Tiger a Cheetah

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I recently completed a PhD in Scottish poetry.

You could say I have third degree Burns.

Rabbie Burns

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I used to live on the 13th floor but

have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey. 

13th floor button

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A policeman stopped me as I walked out

of an electrical goods store today.

He said, “Before I perform a search,

do you have anything sharp in your pockets?”

I said, “No, just Sony and Panasonic.”

sharp logo

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I love playing chess at the park with old men.

The hard part is finding 32 of them. 

playing chess at the park with old men

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Since I was a 14 year old lad,

I’ve dated girls in alphabetical order,

starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.

My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I’ll go back to my X.

x

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I was in a quiz the other day and my team,

along with another, tied for first place.

For the ‘tie-breaker’ we were asked one question,

and the first person to shout the correct

answer won it for their team.

The question was as follows.

‘In Paradise Lost, by John Milton,

what was the Capital City of Hell?’

No-one from either team knew the answer

so both teams started shouting loudly

and waving their arms in frustration

at the question being too hard.

Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out

between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.

pandemonium

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I Just Knew I Was Going To Get Thrown Out Of The Optimism Society.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And if you were an optimist who thought there would be no puns in June, then your membership of the society is in doubt too.

Here’s the latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.

you_have_a_way_with_words_by_geistgirl-d4a9hky

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My friend received an email yesterday asking him

to send trouser zips to the address provided.

I told him to ignore it,

it sounds like they are fly phishing.

trouser zips

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I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult

but it was quite easy in the end.

It’s not rocket science.

rocket lettuce

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A policeman asked me to come down

to the station for an interview.

I haven’t even applied for a job there.

police_officer_cartman

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This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein

a double positive can form a negative.”

Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up:

“Yeah….. right….”

linguistics professor double negative

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I remember when my parents died,

all they left me was a globe.

It meant the world to me….

globe

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If I had a billion pounds

for every time I underestimated…

I would be a millionaire.

1 billion versus 1 million dollars

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My mate Steven, who shares the same name as me,

thought it was funny to erase the letters ‘St’ from my pencil case.

So, during break, I did the same to his.

Now we’re even.

steven even

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My father worked in a steel fabrication plant.

They didn’t produce anything,

they just said they did.

empty steel fabrication plant

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Jimmy: “Can I ask you a question?”

Ted: “Sure, what is it?”

Jimmy: “It’s an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge.”

an interrogative statement

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I have no idea what the opposite of imagination is.

NO IDEA PIC

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After hearing my son saying,

“I want to be good with acoustic,”

I decided to buy him a guitar.

Turns out he wanted a pool cue.

pool cue

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The Internet now has the second largest collection of jokes in the world…

The House of Representatives is still hanging on to the top spot.

House of Representatives

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I told my mum I was going out for a walk.

She said, “How long will you be gone?”

I said, “Probably the whole time”

out for a walk

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Look, at the end of the day

….. it’s night!

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What You Seize Is What You Get.

Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And what you get today is more word play, otherwise known as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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It was a big mistake I made, when I dared to be different.

I’ve never been the same since.

dared to be different

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My girlfriend and I write all our love letters in pencil.

We have a no-pen relationship.

love-pencil

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I could demonstrate to you how easily my new

drill goes through human flesh and bone…

But I don’t want to bore you.

cartoon-handyman-drill-goggles

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You have to question the modus operandi of

people who use Latin for no reason.

modus operandi

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When my friend’s enormous wife was rushed to A&E with

chest pains the doctor examined her

and said she needed a bypass.

He asked,

“Isn’t that a bit extreme, doctor?”

The Doc replied,

“Maybe, but she’s blocking other patients from getting into the hospital.”

fat-cartoon

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My plan to make money by using discarded feathers

to make soft furnishings has ended in disaster.

I can’t fill anything from the waste down

waste down

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A worker has fallen in to a large vat of melted butter at a dairy factory.

His condition has yet to be clarified.

vat of melted butter

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What do you call it when a bunch of women

dress up in saris before a wedding?

A hendu.

women in saris

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A man applied for a job as a gynecologist the other day.

Unfortunately he was not qualified so he didn’t get a look in.

gyno

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Can anyone recommend something

I can use in loo of toilet paper?

Cartoon-LastToiletPaper

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I just started my new job at a leaf disposal company.

I’ve been raking it in.

raking-leaves

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I had to send in a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen.

They needed 2 CVs.

citroen_2cv_by_bogdancalciu-d37py08

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I’ve just watched a video of lions being fed at Copenhagen Zoo.

It was very giraffic.

cartoon-giraffe-19

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

crete-big

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.

If I could take Abba out to lunch

I would, my friend, for Nandos.

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The Monday Quiz Returns.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, the Monday Quiz returns.

No surprises there, but maybe one or two in the questions.

Let’s see how you do this week. 

If you get stuck the answers are, as usual, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below  –  but please NO cheating!

Enjoy, and good luck!

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quiz 09

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Q.  1:  What handicap did the composer Beethoven have?

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Q.  2:  According to legend, who rewarded a man for his loyalty by giving him  the secret recipe for Drambuie?

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Q.  3:  Which two semaphoric letters are found on the famous anti war peace symbol from the 1960’s ?

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Q.  4:  In which movie would you find a robot called ‘Gort’

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Q.  5:  What name did the Vikings give to Newfoundland?

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Q.  6:  What do all of the following have (or don’t have) in common? 

Galileo, Jesse James, Jerry Garcia, Dustin Hoffman, James Doohan, Frodo Baggins,  Tony Iommi, Telly Savalas, Boris Yelzin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Daryl Hannah and Gary Burghoff (‘Radar’ O’Reilly from M*A*S*H)

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Q.  7:  In literature, King Richard III was desperate and willing to pay a high price for what?

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Q.  8:  Which fruit is a port city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo? 

    a) Orange

    b) Banana

    c) Ugli

    d) Guava

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Q.  9:  In China in 1989 in which Beijing Square were the protests against the government crushed by tanks?

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Q. 10:  What is the name of the race of giants mentioned in the Bible who lived in Canaan?

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Q. 11:  “I coulda had class, I coulda been somebody, I coulda been a contender”. What famous actor said the words and in which famous movie?

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Q. 12:  Who was the first WBC heavyweight boxing champion in 1978?

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Q. 13:  What is the name of the current German Chancellor?

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Q. 14:  Put the following in the correct order starting with the fastest and ending with the slowest:

 Human, Nimitz class aircraft carrier, Grizzly bear, A common pig, Cheetah, Japanese ‘bullet’ train, Ostrich, Peregrin falcon. 

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Q. 15:  Which new country was formed in 1971 at the end of the Pakistan / India conflict?

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Q. 16:  Who played ‘Lucy Ewing’ in the hit TV Series ‘Dallas’ and what was her rather unkind nickname?

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Q. 17:  What was the name of the French underground movement that fought against the Germans in World War II?

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Q. 18:  Name the capital and the largest city in New Zealand (a point for each).

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Q. 19:  In the ‘Bond’ movies what were the codenames for James Bond’s boss and the person responsible for the gadgets he used? 

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Q. 20:  What ‘o’clock’ is mentioned in the Bangles hit song ‘Manic Monday’?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What handicap did the composer Beethoven have?

A.  1:  He was hearing impaired.

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Q.  2:  According to legend, who rewarded a man for his loyalty by giving him  the secret recipe for Drambuie?

A.  2:  Bonnie Prince Charlie.

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Q.  3:  Which two semaphoric letters are found on the famous anti war peace symbol from the 1960’s ?

A.  3:  N and D for Nuclear Disarmament.

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Q.  4:  In which movie would you find a robot called ‘Gort’

A.  4:  The Day The Earth Stood Still.

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Q.  5:  What name did the Vikings give to Newfoundland?

A.  5:  Vinland.

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Q.  6:  What do all of the following have (or don’t have) in common? 

 Galileo, Jesse James, Jerry Garcia, Dustin Hoffman, James Doohan, Frodo Baggins,  Tony Iommi, Telly Savalas, Boris Yelzin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Daryl Hannah and Gary Burghoff (‘Radar’ O’Reilly from M*A*S*H)

A.  6:  They are/were all missing a finger or fingers.

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Q.  7:  In literature, King Richard III was desperate and willing to pay a high price for what?

A.  7:  “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse.”

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Q.  8:  Which fruit is a port city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo? 

    a) Orange

    b) Banana

    c) Ugli

    d) Guava

A.  8:  b) Banana

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Q.  9:  In China in 1989 in which Beijing Square were the protests against the government crushed by tanks?

A.  9:  Tiananmen Square.

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Q. 10:  What is the name of the race of giants mentioned in the Bible who lived in Canaan?

A. 10:  Nephilim.

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Q. 11:  “I coulda had class, I coulda been somebody, I coulda been a contender”. What famous actor said the words and in which famous movie?

A. 11:  Marlon Brando in ‘On the Waterfront’.

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Q. 12:  Who was the first WBC heavyweight boxing champion in 1978?

A. 12:  Ken Norton.

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Q. 13:  What is the name of the current German Chancellor?

A. 13:  Angela Merkel.

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Q. 14:  Put the following in the correct order starting with the fastest and ending with the slowest:

 Human, Nimitz class aircraft carrier, Grizzly bear, A common pig, Cheetah, Japanese ‘bullet’ train, Ostrich, Peregrin falcon. 

A. 14:  The correct order, fastest to slowest, is:

    1) Japanese ‘bullet’ train (361 mph);  2) Peregrin falcon (200 mph); 3) Cheetah (70 mph); 4) Ostrich (40 mph); 5) Nimitz class aircraft carrier (34.5 plus mph); 6) grizzly bear (30 mph); 7. Human (28 mph); 8. Common pig  (11 mph)

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Q. 15:  Which new country was formed in 1971 at the end of the Pakistan / India conflict?

A. 15:  Bangladesh.

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Q. 16:  Who played ‘Lucy Ewing’ in the hit TV Series ‘Dallas’ and what was her rather unkind nickname?

A. 16:  ‘Lucy Ewing’ was played by Charlene Tilton and her nickname because of her lack of height was the ‘Poison Dwarf’

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Q. 17:  What was the name of the French underground movement that fought against the Germans in World War II?

A. 17:  The Maquis (If you are nice you can also claim a point for ‘French Resistance’)

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Q. 18:  Name the capital and the largest city in New Zealand (a point for each).

A. 18:  Wellington is the capital; Auckland is the largest city.

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Q. 19:  In the ‘Bond’ movies what were the codenames for James Bond’s boss and the person responsible for the gadgets he used? 

A. 19:  They were known as ‘M’ and ‘Q’.

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Q. 20:  What ‘o’clock’ is mentioned in the Bangles hit song ‘Manic Monday’?

A. 20:  6 o’clock.

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Good Luck, It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another Monday, another quiz to start the week.

As usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below  –  but NO cheating!

Enjoy, and good luck!

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Quiz 6

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Q.  1:  Who sang ‘Coward of the County’ in 1980?

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Q.  2:  Of which Native American tribe was Sitting Bull a member?

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Q.  3:  Which temple stands on the Acropolis in Athens?

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Q.  4:  Who was the first man to win the Academy Award for best actor two years in a row?

    a) Clark Gable

    b) James Stewart

    c) Charles Laughton

    d) Spencer Tracy

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Q.  5:  What nickname was given to Baron von Richthofen’s fighter squadron in World War I?

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Q.  6:  Of which country has President Kenneth Kaudu been the leader?

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Q.  7:  In which fictional American town or city was the TV series Northern Exposure set?

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Q.  8:  What nationality is tennis player Boris Becker?

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Q.  9:  Which religion was founded by Prince Guatama Siddhartha in the 6th century BC?

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Q. 10:  What was the nationality of Zorba in the movie and who played him?

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Q. 11:  What is the name of Ozzy Osbourne’s wife?

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Q. 12:  Where were Geoffrey Chaucer’s pilgrims going as they told their tales?

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Q. 13:  In Rastafari, who is known as ‘The Lion of Judah’?

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Q. 14:  What term is given to the point in spring when the sun’s path crosses the celestial equator, so that day and night are of approximately equal length?

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Q. 15:  The composer Ludwig van Beethoven and the poet William Wordsworth were both born in the same year. Which year was it?

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Q. 16:  On the 7th of January 1785, George Washington became the first man in North America to send which kind of letter?

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Q. 17:  Who was the young star of ‘National Velvet’ in 1945?

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Q. 18:  Although its name is a synonym for ‘no apprehension’, which massive revolutionary invention, first introduced in 1906, instilled fear all over the world?

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Q. 19:  Who was the first person to appear on the cover of the Rolling Stone?  

    a) Dr Hook

    b) Elvis

    c) John Lennon

    d) Mick Jagger

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Q. 20:  This ‘Soul Man’ took a ‘Walk On The Wild Side’ and then had a ‘Perfect Day’. Who was he?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Who sang ‘Coward of the County’ in 1980?

A.  1:  Kenny Rogers

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Q.  2:  Of which American tribe was Sitting Bull a member?

A.  2:  Lakota Sioux.

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Q.  3:  Which temple stands on the Acropolis in Athens?

A.  3:  The Parthenon.

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Q.  4:  Who was the first man to win the Academy Award for best actor two years in a row?

    a) Clark Gable

    b) James Stewart

    c) Charles Laughton

    d) Spencer Tracy

A.  4:  d) Spencer Tracy (1937 for Captains Courageous and 1938 for Boys Town)

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Q.  5:  What nickname was given to Baron von Richthofen’s fighter squadron in World War I?

A.  5: ‘Flying Circus’ or ‘Richthofen’s Circus’.

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Q.  6:  Of which country has President Kaudu been the leader?

A.  6:  Zambia.

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Q.  7:  In which fictional American town or city was the TV series Northern Exposure set?

A.  7:  Cicely, Alaska.

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Q.  8:  What nationality is tennis player Boris Becker?

A.  8:  German.

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Q.  9:  Which religion was founded by Prince Guatama Siddhartha in the 6th century BC?

A.  9:  Buddhism.

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Q. 10:  What was the nationality of Zorba in the movie and who played him?

A. 10:  Greek, and he was played by Anthony Quinn.

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Q. 11:  What is the name of Ozzy Osbourne’s wife?

A. 11:  Sharon.

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Q. 12:  Where were Geoffrey Chaucer’s pilgrims going as they told their tales?

A. 12:  Canterbury.

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Q. 13:  In Rastafari, who is known as ‘The Lion of Judah’?

A. 13:  Haile Selassie (the First).

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Q. 14:  What term is given to the point in spring when the sun’s path crosses the celestial equator, so that day and night are of approximately equal length?

A. 14:  The vernal equinox.

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Q. 15:  The composer Ludwig van Beethoven and the poet William Wordsworth were both born in the same year. Which year was it?

A. 15:  1770.

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Q. 16:  On the 7th of January 1785, George Washington became the first man in North America to send which kind of letter?

A. 16:  An ‘Air Mail’.  Using a balloon. The letter was addressed to no one but was to be given to the owner of the property on which the balloon landed.

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Q. 17:  Who was the young star of ‘National Velvet’ in 1945?

A. 17:  Elizabeth Taylor.

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Q. 18:  Although its name is a synonym for ‘no apprehension’, which massive revolutionary invention, first introduced in 1906, instilled fear all over the world?

A. 18:  The Dreadnought battleship.

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Q. 19:  Who was the first person to appear on the cover of the Rolling Stone?  

    a) Dr Hook

    b) Elvis

    c) John Lennon

    d) Mick Jagger

A. 19:  c) John Lennon.

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Q. 20:  This ‘Soul Man’ took a ‘Walk On The Wild Side’ and then had a ‘Perfect Day’. Who was he?

A. 20:  Lou Reed, those are the names of his songs that made it in the charts.


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