They Got Away With It AGAIN!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last week several of the ‘BIG’ banks – you remember, the ones that are too big to let go bust – were fined in the region of $5.7 billion for illegal manipulation of the currency markets.

The usual suspects were included, J P Morgan, Citibank, Barclays  and RBS all pleading guilty – but only after they were sure what the medicine they would be getting would be.

It’s a huge amount of money, there’s no denying that. And losing it will make the banksters hurt a bit. But only a bit.

And that’s the problem.

Yet again the United States government has failed to bring these criminals to justice after more of their deliberate fraud and theft.

In other words, they let them get away with it AGAIN!

Now, if I walk into a branch of, for example, Citibank and try to steal the money that their customers have deposited with them for safe-keeping, I would be videoed, photographed, and if I was lucky enough to get out of the premises, pursued by the police and even the FBI for as long as it took to capture me.

And I couldn’t have any complaints because that’s the way it should be. Thieves should be sought out, captured and after due process thrown into jail.

However, if I am a bankster, have good government contacts, and ply money and favors to those in government, then I am treated very differently.

I can embark on insider trading (which is essentially what the banksters were doing when they were illegally manipulating the currency markets), I can sell loans to people that clearly can’t afford them, then take their houses away or sell on their debt wrapped up in a ‘AAA’ bundle to my richer customers, and after all that steal even more of the money my customers have entrusted to me by awarding myself and my collaborators big bonuses that none of us have earned or are entitled to.

In this scenario am I pursued by the police and FBI?

Nope.

Am I thrown in jail to be the bitch of Skull-cracker Jones or Scarface Smith?

Nope.

Will I have to personally pay back the money I stole?

Nope, again.

So what will happen to me if I am a bankster?

At worst I will get a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again. Even though recent history has proved that this is no deterrent and I will do it again at the first opportunity I get.

And, of course, I don’t have to personally pay the government’s fine no matter how big it may be. Instead my company has to cough up on my behalf.

Not that the company is much bothered either because when it runs out of money it goes back to the government which hands it back at least the value of the fine and usually much, much more.

Think this system is fair?

Neither do I.

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Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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Maths Puns Are The First Sine Of Madness.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I wonder what the second sine is?

But let’s not go off at a tangent.

Let’s just enjoy another Pun Day instead.

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The first rule of Innuendo Club is

you can only enter via the back door.

 

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I’ve been sitting here all day trying to

think of anagrams of the word ‘wired’

but I can only think of one.

Which is weird.

 

 

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This morning my physiotherapist

tapped my knee with a plastic hammer

and made my leg jerk.

The nerve.

 

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Are people who believe in

ghosts very ghoulable?

 

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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it’ll still be stationery.

 

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My friend was arrested for drunk driving

on a motorized shopping cart at WalMart.

Apparently he led the police on a chase

that reached 90 aisles per hour.

 

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“All you ever talk about is golf!”

My wife shouted.

“Golf, golf and more bloody golf!”

“Calm down love,” I said.

“Don’t let this driver wedge between us.”

 

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I went to buy pork chops and told

the butcher to make them lean.

He said, ‘Which way?’

 

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Many scientists agree the only way to solve

the planet’s worsening energy crisis

is for the whole world to convert to solar power.

That’s not going to happen overnight.

 

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I was the first person to install trampolines

in musician’s tour buses and now

everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

 

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I said to my blind date, “I actually take

a plane to work and back every single day.”

“Wow, you must be wealthy.” She said.

“Everything but,” I replied,

“I’m just a carpenter.”

 

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I bumped into the guy

who invented the globe.

It’s a small world.

 

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Why did the poet kill himself

by walking into the road?

Because he thought there

was nothing left to right.

 

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I never thought I’d buy into Feng Shui.

But oh how the tables have turned.

 

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I was in a music group

called ‘Illegal imports’.

We were a contraband.

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“I Think,” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam.”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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Well today I yam the poster of more puns.
Keep your groans handy, you might need ‘em.
Enjoy or endure.
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You can say what you like

about freedom of speech.

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I would love to dance at a metric party,

but I have two left 0.305 meters.

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Waiters are good at multiplication

because they know their tables.

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I accidentally grabbed a

live electric cable yesterday.

It really Hertz.

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Capital punishment.

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I used to work at a car garage

that had a jet wash.

It was pointless,

there was nowhere for them to land.

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I got a 24 hour clock from

a garage sale for only 10/c.

They’ll be so mad,

it’s lasted far longer.

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I’m in court accused of the murders of

Dracula and Monte Cristo.

I’m pleading guilty to both Counts.

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There’s a Muslim in the street carrying a gun.

Police say he’s Ahmed and dangerous.

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My ex girlfriend text to say that

she’d made a voodoo doll of me.

I think she’s pulling my leg.

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I used to have a job in the police force,

in which I’d break into secure

computer files to uncover criminal activity.

That was until I was met by one system

that proved I wasn’t up to the job.

I just couldn’t hack it.

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Driving home, I noticed I had a

police car right up my ass.

Must have a word with my nephew

about leaving his toys lying around.

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I’d been worrying about my

geography exam for a long time.

When I sat down to take it,

the first question read;

“What is the correct term for any wind that

blows between 4 and 30 miles per hour?”

I don’t know what I was worried about.

It was a breeze.

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I was so nervous when I met my

future father-in-law that i blurted out,

“Sir, May I have your daughters

hole in handy matrimony?”

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What do you call a bunch of

kleptomaniacs with musical instruments?

A Steal Band.
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Poor Oliver Buckworth!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Anyone who has traveled by air anywhere in the world since the 9/11 attacks has been the victim of the idiotic security measures at airports.

Belts off, shoes off, laptops out, body scan or grope – you know the drill. All useless and ineffective and there, like a lot of other stuff, to give the impression that the government is doing something when in reality it is doing nothing.

And as always the stupid rules are enforced by even stupider people.

So, who is poor Oliver Buckworth?

He’s a 28-year-old Melbourne-based interior designer, a threat to no one, and a victim of the security morons that infest air travel these days.

You see Oliver was on a flight in Australia, on a carrier called Tiger Airways. To pass the time he started doodling in a note pad he had with him.

The doodle said “In a land of melting ice-cream, sandy feet and fluffy bears, how could anybody be fearful of terrorism?” and along with it was a visual pun with the word “terrorismadeup” picked out in different colors to suggest that “terror is made up”. Being an interior designer he also drew a chandelier on the same page.

Now you are probably asking, what exactly was his crime?

Doodling with intent to do what?

Not taking the air travel security farce seriously enough?

Having a sense of humor?

Or just getting bored and passing the time with his note pad and pen?

A busybody passenger sitting near Buckworth reported his doodle to the airline staff, who, instead of telling the other passenger to wise up, took the whole thing seriously. Yes, they were as stupid as the busybody passenger.

Apparently Tiger Airways have a “zero tolerance” policy “towards inappropriate and antisocial behavior” which seemed to include Oliver’s doodle. He said he was writing a sentence about the absurdity of recent fear-mongering statements about the threat of possible terrorist attacks, but it was enough to have him thrown off the plane and handed over to the Australian Federal Police.

To be fair to the police, after doing a background check on Oliver they realized that the airline idiots hadn’t uncovered the next Osama Bin Laden and they didn’t take any further action.

But, choosing not to involve themselves with common sense, Tiger Airways banned him from using the airline again, not that he’d probably want to now anyway.

Well done Tiger Airways, you done Australia proud – I think not!

Here’s Oliver’s doodle, make up your own mind.

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I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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Apparently Towels Are The Biggest Cause Of Dry Skin.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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April Fools!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I know it’s June but you will see later why the title says April. The fools bit is appropriate all year round for these guys as will also become clear.

Now for the story.

A cunning master criminal and his accomplice were caught after a burglary attempt at a place of business in Maplewood, Minnesota, thanks to an alert police dispatcher and a real dumb-ass criminal.

As a result Todd J. Weiss 32, from Minnetonka and his sidekick Justin G. Evans, 38, from Savage, were arrested at the scene. Both face third-degree felony burglary charges.

The incident took place around 4:45 a.m. April 1 (Fools Day appropriately enough, hence the title).

Maplewood Police Chief Paul Schnell said a 911 dispatcher first got a call and hang-up, then another call from the same number.

The second time, the call stayed open. The dispatcher overheard pieces of a conversation about where police were and the dangers of getting caught.

“If it goes off, they are right across the street,” one of the men said, according to the charges.

Police Chief Schnell said it was “pretty clear based on some of that conversation that this was a burglary”.

The phone had been in Weiss’s pocket and whatever he was doing at the time, he had inadvertently pressed the phone’s emergency-call feature, twice!!

As with all 911 calls, the dispatcher could see the location of the caller, in this case a car-repair shop at White Bear Avenue and County Road D.

Officers arrived to see the two men leaving the building wearing dark clothing, the charges said. One was carrying a television, the other a box.

Upon seeing the officers, the men dropped their booty and ran for it. Officers ordered them to stop, then sent police dogs to nab them.

Weiss refused to speak to police after he was read his Miranda rights. Evans said he had taken more than a dozen Xanax and the police report confirmed that he “appeared to be under the influence of the substance”.

He denied being inside the business, saying he was outside behind nearby apartments having relations with his girlfriend.

Both men’s criminal histories include burglary and theft, according to Minnesota court records.

Police Chief Schnell rightly praised the 911 operator, but it has to be said that morons like these who phone 911 while burglarizing a property make it a bit too easy for the cops to catch them.

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Todd Joseph Weiss

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Have You Ever Googled Yourself?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Have you ever Googled yourself to see if there is anything on the internet about you, or even if there are any other people with the same name as you?

I bet you have. I think everyone does at some stage. Some people call it ‘ego-surfing’.

I actually hadn’t, but I did just now. Apparently there’s a British Member of Parliament and a Realtor in Kentucky using my name. I’ll have to put a stop to that!

But getting back to today’s post. There’s nothing wrong with Googling yourself, unless of course you are a moron, in which case the consequences can be both unseen (for you) and quite traumatic.

That’s what happened to a guy called Christopher Viatafa.

He’s a moron.

And a criminal.

In fact Christopher was being sought in connection with a shooting during a private party at the San Leandro Senior Center in California. Police said he got into an argument, pulled out a handgun and fired several rounds into the ground.

He was forced out of the area, but not before he fired more rounds. No one was hit, but police investigators were looking for him for allegedly discharging a firearm toward an inhabited dwelling.

That was okay, as far as he was concerned.

But then the astute Christopher Googled his name, found a picture of himself on a “Most Wanted” website….

and….

wait for it….

you know what’s coming….

promptly surrendered to San Leandro police in connection with a shooting.

Viatafa told police he had looked himself up online and found his mug on the “Northern California Most Wanted” website, maintained by the Northern California Regional Intelligence Center, a group of local, state and federal law enforcement agencies.

“That is why he turned himself in,” police said.

By the following Friday, Viatafa was listed on the website as a “captured fugitive”.

The website didn’t say that he had captured himself.

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Famous Last Words Of An Idiot – “I Have A Plan…”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Many stupid crimes happen every day. And most of them are committed by stupid criminals.

Unfortunately most of the stories we never get to hear about, but occasionally we do.

Like this one, which must rank as one of the dumbest ever!

It happened in a place called Mullins, SC. The perpetrator, or would-be perpetrator, was a ‘genius’ called Laquain Deshawn Guy and he had the idea that he would rob an Arby’s fast food restaurant.

Lots of cash in there, he thought, not considering that most of the takings would be banked at the end of business.

That was his first mistake.

His second was failing to break into the restaurant using either a back door or a window.

No, this genius had a better idea.

He thought he would climb on to the roof of the building and gain entrance through the ventilation shaft. That is the story told by Captain Joe Graham with the Mullins police and I see no reason at all to doubt him.

The main reason being that criminal mastermind Laquain Deshawn Guy found to his surprise that he didn’t fit the ventilation shaft – and promptly wedged himself in there just as tight as he could.

The more he struggled the worse it got.

Man, was he stuck!

And he remained stuck for the next ten hours, until an Arby’s employee was opening the business Tuesday morning and he heard “noises”. I like to think that the noises were the farts being squeezed out of him as he got wedged in tighter and tighter, but nobody will confirm this.

The employee immediately called the police and that’s when they realized that the strange noises were coming from the very stuck Laquain still wedged inside the shaft.

Mullins Fire and Rescue eventually freed the idiot by cutting the ventilation pipe and pulling him through the roof, where he emerged dehydrated and with some muscle damage.

Crews then lowered him down and onto a stretcher and took him to hospital where he spent a few days before facing charges of Burglary Second Degree.

What a moron!

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