Make Sure You Smile – It’s Fact Day.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not that the facts today are particularly funny, in fact some of them are the exact opposite.

But if you are in Milan and reading this post I bet you are smiling anyway.

Find out why.

Enjoy.

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did you know5

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Trakr, a German shepherd survivor detection dog,

made history when he became the dog that found the

last survivor of the World Trade Center attack on September 11.

For his accomplishments, Trakr was named

one of history’s most heroic animals by Time.

Trakr died in 2009 at age fourteen.

Trakr, a German shepherd survivor detection dog, made history when he became the dog that found the last survivor of the World Trade Center attack on September 11

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75% of the world’s population

speaks more than one language,

but 75% of the world’s population

speak no English.

Homer Simpson English

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Having a pet makes you happier

because petting an animal

releases oxytocin in our brains,

which is sometimes known as

the “cuddle hormone”.

cuddle hormone oxytocin

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The eyes blink on an average of

17 times per minute,

that’s 14,280 times per day

or 5.2 million times a year.

obama-blink

 

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In the early Middle Ages,

Europeans divided the day

into seven hours of equal length and,

because summer days are longer than winter ones,

a winter hour was about sixty minutes,

but a summer one was about 150 minutes.

A little bit confusing I think.

Middle Ages, Europeans divided the day into seven hours of equal length

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Trampolines contribute to at least

two deaths and numerous serious injuries

each year.

Trampoline

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Giacomo Casanova was an 18th century

Italian adventurer and nobleman famous for

his numerous elaborate affairs with women.

Today, if a man is referred to as a ‘Casanova’,

it can mean anything from an

attentive seducer to a mere lecher.

Giacomo Casanova

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In January 2012, dozens of turtles

were found dead in Keystone Heights, Florida,

at the end of Pinon Road.

No one, including the

Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission,

has been able to figure out what happened.  

turtle deaths unexplained

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The most powerful non-nuclear bomb

ever created by the US military is the

Massive Ordinance Air Blast bomb,

better known as ‘MOAB’.

It is also more popularly known as

the “Mother of All Bombs”.

Mother of All Bombs

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Charles Dickens’s house had a secret door

in the form of a fake bookcase.

The fake books on its shelves included

titles such as ‘The Life of a Cat’

in 9 volumes of course.

bookshelves-hidden-door

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Ford’s F-150 has been the best-selling

vehicle in America for the past 33 years

and the best-selling truck since 1977.

Ford have sold over 34,000,000 of them

since they started production in 1948.

Last year alone they sold 753,851,

which is an incredible 2,065 a day,

or one every 35 seconds.

If you parked every Ford F-150

ever made side by side,

they would stretch for 49,802 miles (80,150 km),

the equivalent to twice around the Equator.

Ford F150

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The first black astronaut was Robert Henry Lawrence Jr.,

but he died before he could travel to space.

The first black astronaut in space

(spending more then 28 days there)

was Guion Bluford in 1983.

He was inducted into the

International Space Hall of Fame in 1997 and into

the United States Astronaut Hall of Fame in 2010.

Guion Bluford first black astronaut in space

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The world’s greatest disaster suffered

as a result of animal attacks on humans

happened on Ramree Island during WWII.

The island is infested with saltwater crocodiles

and nearly 500 Japanese troops were eaten alive there.

The-Crocodile-Massacre-of-Ramree-Island

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When Star Wars: A New Hope was

first being shown in movie theaters

France was still executing people by guillotine.

guillotine

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Ending today’s facts on a happy note,

if you want to visit Milan, Italy,

make sure to smile all the time as the

Italian city has imposed a ban on frowning.

It is a legal requirement to smile at all times,

except during funerals or hospital visits.

If you don’t you can face a fine.

Milan

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I’m Planning On Being More Spontaneous In The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

scarecrow

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

short sleeved tops

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

dog pound

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

swings in park

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

fun funeral

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

camouflaged

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

donut_van_chase

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

tv repairman

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

phone-texting

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

Vincent van Gogh

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

medical school entrance exam

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

marriage_is_not_a_word_its_a_sentence_t_shirt

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

no dumping

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

peterborough jobs blow

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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How Smart Do You Feel Today?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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So how smart do you feel today?

Smart enough to try your hand at today’s quiz?

I hope so. And remember if you get stuck the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating!

Begin any time you are ready – and enjoy.

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quiz 09

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Q.  1:  What superseded the autogiro (or autogyro) in the late 1940s?

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Q.  2:  What kind of leaves were often used as currency in 18th century Siberia?

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Q.  3:  In the USA, what is (you can have a point for each correct answer)

  a. the nickname for the president’s limo

  b. the nickname for the brief case with the nuclear codes

  c. the name of the helicopter that transports the US President

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Q.  4:  What kind of star is our sun?  (2 words)

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Q.  5:  Which Pink Floyd album is also a chapter in ‘The Wind in the Willows’?

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Q.  6:  Which national dance can apparently cure a spider’s bite?

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Q.  7:  In Paris, where would you find Franklin D Roosevelt, Victor Hugo and George V?

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Q.  8:  What do many men collect in an ‘omphalo’?

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Q.  9:  The original ‘two bits’ (quarter coin) looked like a cake or pie shaped wedge and was one quarter of what?

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Q. 10:  General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna (of Alamo fame) had two funerals. The first one took place while he was President of Mexico and he himself was a mourner. What was put to rest in this pompous ‘funeral’?

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Q. 11:  After the investigation, why was all the Challenger Space Shuttle wreckage buried under 50 tons of concrete?

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Q. 12:  On a ship, what is a ‘dead head’?

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Q. 13:  A Scottish woman was nominated six times for the Oscar for best actress and came away empty handed each time. A record. Who was she?

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Q. 14:  The name for which vehicle probably stems from a World War I phrase for a dirty weekend in Paris?

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Q. 15:  Which TV family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?

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Q. 16:  Which suave and sophisticated actor played the role of Beau Maverick, Bret Maverick’s English cousin in the US television series Maverick?

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Q. 17:  Paris attracts the most visitors in France each year. Which French town attracts 5 million visitors a year and has more hotels than any other French city except Paris?

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Q. 18:  Which large vehicle is also a name for Krishna meaning ‘Lord of the Universe’?

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Q. 19:  Why did many radio stations around the world observe two minutes of silence in late July, 1937?

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Q. 20:  Citizens of which country coined the term ‘Molotov Cocktail’ or ‘Molotov Bread Basket’ to describe their incendiary weapon used against the Soviets in 1939?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What superseded the autogiro (or autogyro) in the late 1940s?

A.  1:  The Helicopter

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Q.  2:  What kind of leaves were often used as currency in 18th century Siberia?

A.  2:  Tea leaves

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Q.  3:  In the USA, what is

  a. the nickname for the president’s limo

  b. the nickname for the brief case with the nuclear codes

  c. the name of the helicopter that transports the US President

A.  3:  Three Answers

    a. “The Beast”

    b. “The Football”

    c.  “Marine One”

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Q.  4:  What kind of star is our sun?  (2 words)

A.  4:  Yellow dwarf

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Q.  5:  Which Pink Floyd album is also a chapter in ‘The Wind in the Willows’?

A.  5:  The Piper at the Gates of Dawn

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Q.  6:  Which national dance can apparently cure a spider’s bite?

A.  6:  The Tarantella

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Q.  7:  In Paris, where would you find Franklin D Roosevelt, Victor Hugo and George V?

A.  7:  In the Paris Metro. They are all Metro stations.

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Q.  8:  What do many men collect in an omphalo?

A.  8:  Fluff (The omphalo is the belly button)

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Q.  9:  The original ‘two bits’ (quarter coin) looked like a cake or pie shaped wedge and was one quarter of what?

A.  9:  The Spanish silver dollar, the dollars were called pesos de ocho (pieces of eight).

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Q. 10:  General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna (of Alamo fame) had two funerals. The first one took place while he was President of Mexico and he himself was a mourner. What was put to rest in this pompous ‘funeral’?

A. 10:  His amputated leg.

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Q. 11:  After the investigation, why was all the Challenger Space Shuttle wreckage buried under 50 tons of concrete?

A. 11:  To prevent the parts being sold as souvenirs.

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Q. 12:  On a ship, what is a ‘dead head’?

A. 12:  Some people think it’s a broken toilet but actually it is a non paying passenger.

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Q. 13:  A Scottish woman was nominated six times for the Oscar for best actress and came away empty handed each time. A record. Who was she?

A. 13:  Deborah Kerr

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Q. 14:  The name for which vehicle probably stems from a World War I phrase for a dirty weekend in Paris?

A. 14:  Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

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Q. 15:  Which TV family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?

A. 15:  The Munsters

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Q. 16:  Which suave and sophisticated actor played the role of Beau Maverick, Bret Maverick’s English cousin in the US television series Maverick?

A. 16:  Roger Moore

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Q. 17:  Paris attracts the most visitors in France each year. Which French town attracts 5 million visitors a year and has more hotels than any other French city except Paris?

A. 17:  Lourdes

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Q. 18:  Which large vehicle is also a name for Krishna meaning ‘Lord of the Universe’?

A. 18:  Juggernaut

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Q. 19:  Why did many radio stations around the world observe two minutes of silence in late July, 1937?

A. 19:  A tribute to Marconi after his death. 

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Q. 20:  Citizens of which country coined the term ‘Molotov Cocktail’ or ‘Molotov Bread Basket’ to describe their incendiary weapon used against the Soviets in 1939?

A. 20:  Finland

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Okay, Enough Of The Presidential Nonsense – Time To Get Serious!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, if the election didn’t make you groan, here’s your chance.

Its bad joke pun day!

Enjoy them if you can.  

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It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

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A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”

termite .

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An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.

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Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

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A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

donut cartoon .

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Communism first took off in the insect kingdom when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.

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In the winter my dog wears his coat,

but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

 Dog panting.

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Did you hear about the raisin that wined about how he couldn’t achieve grapeness.

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Opening a new funeral parlor can be quite an undertaking.

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I tend to avoid funerals, I’m not really a mourning person.

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The grammarian was never late. In fact he was always very punctual.

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I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.

 Obama-Marx cartoon.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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To many girls the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.

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Those who stare at the moon are optimists.

They only look at the bright side.

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Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.

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Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?

Of Corsican.

 Napoleon cartoon.

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It’s Thursday And That Means Another Excuse For A Few More Bad Jokes

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s Thursday and that means another excuse for a few more bad jokes in the shape of the word plays called puns.

Enjoy!

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Organ donors put their heart into it.
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Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips.
‘Are you the friar?’ he asks.
‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
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Why does the coffee taste like mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
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To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
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The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny.
He stood about all day making faces.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%,
they blame it on the cost of living.
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Cartoonist found dead in home.
Details are sketchy.
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Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
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I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
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Did you hear about the electrician who claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

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Bagpipes At A Funeral

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Definition of a “Gentleman”

Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but never does!

 

This one didn’t happen to anyone I know, in fact I don’t even know if it happened at all, but it is kinda funny I hope. (I do have a couple of good stories about funerals and they’ll probably make their way on to this blog eventually).

Anyway, for now here’s the story in the words of the bagpiper himself.

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country.

I was not familiar with the backwoods and I got lost. I didn’t stop for directions and should have.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had gone because the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There was only the digging crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

As I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

 

“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

 

Apparently I’m still lost….