I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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I’m A Terrible Psychic – I Don’t Know About You.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Today is Pun Day, so brace yourself for more word play and silly jokes.

Go on, you know you love ‘em.

Enjoy or endure.

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Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Corsican!

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My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things.

I said, “You seamstressed.”

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“Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace.

Why haven’t you read it?”

“Sorry Miss. It’s a long story.”

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There was this group on Facebook called

‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’.

So I became a fan.

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I invested $1000 in some American shares…..

It made a lot of cents.

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I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labeled as starboard.

Something wasn’t right.

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Don’t bother entering the Repairman Of The Year Award

– it’s fixed

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I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.

It was a library.

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Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it’s just sour grapes.

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What do you have

if you have a cricket ball in one hand

and a cricket ball in the other?

A really big cricket!

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I got myself a new toy – it’s a laminator.

Basically, it’s a machine that kills baby sheep.

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My girlfriend left me the other day.

Accordion to her I make tune many musical puns.

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist

wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says,

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

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What’s the fastest way to get stoned?

Be a woman in Iran.

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“The total cost would be £3000,” said the funeral director.

“That includes digging the grave.”

“Is that the whole thing?” I asked.

He replied, “Yes, that’s the hole thing.”

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You Know What They Used To Say In The Middle Ages, “Resistance Is Feudal”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Happily we don’t live in the middle ages, so now resistance is futile.

If you haven’t guessed already….

It’s pun day!

Enjoy.

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I’m in a band called Atom

We’ll never split.

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I’ve been drawing bar graphs, pie charts

and venn diagrams all over walls in town.

I’m a graphitti artist.

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We were going for a picnic today and my husband

asked me to get some ice and a cooler bag.

I thought, “That’s a bit harsh,

there’s nothing wrong with my current bag”.

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Can someone give me a definition of homosexuality,

in lay-men’s terms?

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On the investment front I’m worried that my shares in a

major cordial company are going to be diluted.

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Don’t trust people who avoid the sun.

They’re shady.

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Signing up to a mailing list has done nothing to

quell my addiction for German poetry.

I’m getting verse by the day.

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According to a survey,

seven out of ten people use the double negative.

I ain’t never heard such nonsense in my life.

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The horse came galloping towards me,

the sun glistening off the rider’s armour, helmet and lance,

which I realised was aimed at my head.

Man, those knight-vision goggles are really awesome!

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Running a bingo hall is more than just a job.

It’s a calling.

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Whilst on holiday near lake Geneva

I purchased a large bottle of mineral water

I struggled to carry it though,

it was an evian.

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There are two i’s in narcissist

and they absolutely hate each other.

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After a terrible Chinese meal last night, I refused to pay.

Unfortunately the chef heard what I said and pinned me up against the wall,

threatening me with a pan unless I paid up.

Talk about being stuck between a wok and a hard place.

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I saw a man with a bald patch earlier.

I thought, “He’s obviously trying to cut down, or quit being bald”.

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It appears that smoking heroin is

far better for addicts than injecting it,

needleless to say.

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A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and

asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I said “Check Republic.”

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What do you call a brittle Scotsman?

A Glasswegian.

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I hate it when people make jokes about Vietnam.

It Hanoi’s me.

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Jay-Z? A psychiatrist?

Must be Shrink Rap.

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We spent a fortune on electrocution lessons for our son.

Until he learned to speak properly.

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Beware Of Geeks Bearing GIFs!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Yes, prepare to give you chuckle muscles a workout.

It’s pun day.

Another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy   

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I’ve been trying to get this computer to work for an hour now.

Wish I’d bought a laptop.

So much lighter to carry.

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My friend clearly wears dentures but won’t admit it.

He’s lying through his teeth.

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Still thinking of taking that long term job in the PDRK?

Personally I’d choose a different Korea.

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As my wife and three of her friends

squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers,

I muttered under my breath, “Fat cows.”

“What was that?” snapped my wife.

“You herd.”

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I thought I was in for the long hall.

But it was just a really big mirror at the end of it.

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I was in the fitting room when a

beautiful woman walked in holding a lacy bra.

I think she was trying it on.

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Scientists have discovered a new shade of green.

It’s sublime.

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Old MacDonald loves to play with action dolls….

G I G I Joe.

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I clicked on the ‘Home Alone’ link earlier.

It opened a page for an Italian mortgage company.

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I entered my dog in the redneck dog show last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

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Would anyone like to buy any cymbal shaped pillows?

$50 Per cushion.

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Think the worst time of my life was when I worked as a cinema usher.

I was in a very dark place back then.

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It’s amazing how a piece of technology as simple

as a tablet can revolutionize your life.

Those viagra are amazing.

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I’ve found the alcohol which has solved all my problems.

It was liqueur.

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I have a lot of hangups.

I blame telemarketers.

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I’ve styled my hair so that it appears like I’ve got horns.

It’s my gnu look.

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NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden left Moscow Airport a while ago.

He’s no longer hiding in plane site.

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Bauxite refining is a secret carefully guarded by the aluminati.

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I can’t see the new Nicholas Cage action movie doing very well.

He plays a wrongly convicted man, trapped among

a bunch of the world’s most dangerous criminals,

all stuck inside a Refrigeration Factory.

It’s called Air Con

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Finally when I saw a woman had broken down at

the side of the road I didn’t stop to help her.

I’m not a psychiatrist.

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