I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

fan with base

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

mysterious

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

Native Americans greeting

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

I don't care cartoon

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

go kart race

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

cartoon excited

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

CONTACT-LENS-CASE-570

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

Q

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

Walk-In-Fridge

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

ego_by_einstein

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

tree windbreak

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you stick around too, because it’s another Pun Day.

You know the drill….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD

where all he does all day is organize dinner plates by the year they were made,

It’s an extremely rare dish-order

spinning-plates

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I’ve written my own book

called 50 Shades of Gravy.

It’s very saucy.

gravy

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I’m an easy target for muggers.

Take it from me.

mugger

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I knew I had failed my Braille exam at the time.

It just felt wrong.

Braille exam

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“How’s your new stairlift nan?”

“It’s driving me up the wall.”

stairlift

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Just finished an experiment to find

the best cure for hiccups.

The result was a big surprise.

Hiccups-Scare

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I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.

It was an act of pointless violence.

blunt pencil

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I just took some pills and now my pupils look massive!

I really shouldn’t take hallucinogenic drugs while teaching.

The Simpsons Homer Dilated Pupil

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The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze

all over our bodies when we have sex.

I’m not a fan.

fan

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown

species of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil arm

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Do you think eating horse meat

would give you the trots?

the trots

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I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton

James Bond movies for her birthday,

but she wasn’t happy.

I think she was expecting Moore.

roger_moore___007

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Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies,

they prefer something that’s a little meteor.

meteor

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I have an Eskimo fetish,

but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

Selawik-Eskimo-Woman

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I’ve booked a table at one of those new

Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.

They’re for people who love meat tender.

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I’m A Terrible Psychic – I Don’t Know About You.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Today is Pun Day, so brace yourself for more word play and silly jokes.

Go on, you know you love ‘em.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Corsican!

Corsican traditional dress

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My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things.

I said, “You seamstressed.”

seamstress

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“Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace.

Why haven’t you read it?”

“Sorry Miss. It’s a long story.”

Tolstoy's War And Peace

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There was this group on Facebook called

‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’.

So I became a fan.

fan

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I invested $1000 in some American shares…..

It made a lot of cents.

a lot of cents

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I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labeled as starboard.

Something wasn’t right.

cruise ship

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Don’t bother entering the Repairman Of The Year Award

– it’s fixed

repair man

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I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.

It was a library.

library

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Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it’s just sour grapes.

sour-grapes

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What do you have

if you have a cricket ball in one hand

and a cricket ball in the other?

A really big cricket!

jonata_Cricket

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I got myself a new toy – it’s a laminator.

Basically, it’s a machine that kills baby sheep.

lamb

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My girlfriend left me the other day.

Accordion to her I make tune many musical puns.

Accordion

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist

wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says,

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

bubblewrap

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What’s the fastest way to get stoned?

Be a woman in Iran.

StopStoning

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“The total cost would be £3000,” said the funeral director.

“That includes digging the grave.”

“Is that the whole thing?” I asked.

He replied, “Yes, that’s the hole thing.”

grave

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Why Are Puns So Popular?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’ve been doing puns for a while now and it seems that a lot of other people like them too. I just can’t figure out the reason. I mean the jokes themselves are, to say the least, sometimes contrived and quite bad. Yet people groan, grimace and laugh and come back for more – me included, I’m just not sure why.

If you think you have the answer do let me know.

Meantime enjoy this week’s selection.

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The other day someone left a piece of silly putty in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

color silly putty or  plasticine

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My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.

compulsive gambler

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Some people are making Rapture jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

the end is coming

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Tea is for mugs.

tea mug

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Did you hear about the physics student who couldn’t understand quantum theory? He was thicker than a Planck!

Max Planck (1858 - 1917), German physicist considered the founder of the quantum theory.
Max Planck (1858 – 1917), German physicist considered the founder of the quantum theory.

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A woman was attacked by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her.

mime gang

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Wind turbines. I’m a big fan.

wind turbine fan cartoon

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NBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. How fast must they have been walking?

pedestrian collision

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Don’t you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

grammar cartoon

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Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.

used car showroom, Iraq

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A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

bookshelf

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“So, how’s life in North Korea?”

“Well, I can’t complain.”

kim-jong-il-cartoon

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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?  It’s not hard.

How-do-you-find-a-blind-man

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Cocaine is never a solution. Unless, of course, you dissolve it in water.

cocaine drink

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I got a phone call from electric company to say my bill was outstanding. I said, “Thanks!”

outstanding bill

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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

cloning machine

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When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

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