Boffin Bollocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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mad scientist cartoon

I would love to have been a scientist.

Not a real one, I’m not clever enough or dedicated enough for that. Rather, I would have loved to have been one of those idiots who try to make a name for themselves off pronouncements on things about which they know absolutely nothing.

I saw another one of their headline grabbers (that I like to call “boffin bollocks”) recently. The headline went something like “Shock Warning Aliens Are Coming.” And it wasn’t about more Mexicans making their way north across the US border.

It was from NASA’s Chief Scientist, Ellen Stofan, and claimed that first contact with alien life will happen “very soon” – very soon being not tomorrow, but within the next decade or two.

“We know where to look,” she confirmed.

Yes, “UP” would be my non-scientific guess at the best direction.

“We know how to look,” she added.

Again I am forced to agree. Personally I’d use a telescope, and a great big one, but that’s only me!

astronomer cartoon www.davidreneke.com

Ms Stofan was ably backed up by a colleague, John M. Grunsfeld, who came out with good sound bite words and phrases like “solar system”, “galaxy”, “the icy crusts of Jupiter’s moons Ganymede and Europa” (my favorite I think) and “the internal water within Saturn’s moon Enceladus”.

Mars and the Martians also got mentioned, but only with suggestions that life may have at one time been present on the planet. H. G. and Orson Wells had beaten them to visits by the ‘real’ Martians many, many years ago.

War of the Worlds

More scientists, this time at the Parkes Observatory in Australia, have been carefully studying peryton-a type of radio signals similar to Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs) which are known to come from somewhere else in the galaxy.

For years, they had been puzzled by these brief but intense bursts of radio waves that in some ways appeared to be coming from deep space. There have been dozens of reported perytons, some dating back to the 1990s, and theories about the signals’ origin included ball lightning, aircraft, and components of the telescopes themselves.

Then this year they made a break through. They discovered the source of the rogue signals. They were coming from – no, not somewhere deep in the galaxy – but instead from the microwave oven in the next room.

In what has to be the understatement of the year, Emily Petroff of Australia’s Swinburne University of Technology admitted, “It was quite surprising that it ended up being microwaves.”  I bet it was!

microwave aliens

I must add that I’m a big fan of space exploration, always have been, since I was a kid and was captivated by the television coverage of the Apollo missions. My only regret is that it all takes so very long that I will have gone ‘supernova’ before we see any tangible results of that exploration. There’s never a handy wormhole around when you need one, is there!

I am also a big fan of TV sci-fi series like the Star Treks, the Stargates and so forth, and of movies from ‘War of the Worlds’, thru ‘E.T.’ to ‘Independence Day’ and beyond. But I also have the wit to realize I’m being entertained and these things are not real.

So is there life out there?

I wouldn’t rule the idea out for a second. But what I would rule out is that intelligent life is ever going to be found within our Solar System, maybe not even within our Galaxy. But it could be out there somewhere.

The question we should be asking is, assuming it is benign and not hell bent on conquering all in its path, or maybe viewing us as a culinary delicacy, would that intelligent life really want anything to do with a planet full of people who, for almost their entire existence, seem to want nothing better than to continually wage war on each other?

I think having observed us for a while they would probably pass us by without calling in to say hello.

If I were in their shoes – or space boots – that’s what I would do – and at warp speed too!

alien observers

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First Day Of September, First Quiz Of September

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First day of September 2014 and because it’s a Monday that means the first Quiz of September 2014.

Get your thinking caps on, you’ll probably need them for some of these questuons, although there some easy one in there too. Easy if you know the answers, that is!

As usual if you do get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 06

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Q.  1:  Where are human triceps muscles to be found?

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Q.  2:  What aviation first was performed by Ellen Church in 1930?

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Q.  3:  ‘Captain John Joseph Yossarian’ is the central figure of which 1961 novel?

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Q.  4:  Which artistic movement was founded by Georges Braque and Pablo Picasso?

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Q.  5:  Which former country was originally called ‘The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes’?

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Q.  6:  In what unit do barometers and weather maps usually display atmospheric pressure?

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Q.  7:  Which famous horror novel is subtitled ‘The Modern Prometheus’?

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Q.  8:  Who led the Luftwaffe in the Second World War?

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Q.  9:  What piece of computer equipment was invented by Douglas Engelbart of Stanford Research Institute in 1963?

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Q. 10:  Which acid is found in car batteries?

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Q. 11:  “Egghead weds hourglass” was the headline when playwright Arthur Miller married which actress?

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Q. 12:  Edmund Barton in 1901 was the first prime minister of where?

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Q. 13:  The ‘Battle of Balaclava’ is a famous battle in which war?

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Q. 14:  Fulgencio Batista was overthrown as the leader of which country on January 1 1959?

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Q. 15:  The Canary Islands were named after which animal?

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Q. 16:  What was Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name?

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Q. 17:  Which ancient battle gave its name to an athletics race?

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Q. 18:  What is a four letter word ending in ‘k’ that means intercourse?

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Q. 19:  In which ship did Captain James Cook sail on his first voyage of exploration between 1768 and 1771?

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Q. 20:  Who was The Quiet Man?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Where are human triceps muscles to be found?

A.  1:  At the back of the upper arm

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Q.  2:  What aviation first was performed by Ellen Church in 1930?

A.  2:  She was the first air hostess –  or female flight attendant as they now like to be referred to.

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Q.  3:  ‘Captain John Joseph Yossarian’ is the central figure of which 1961 novel?

A.  3:  Catch 22.

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Q.  4:  Which artistic movement was founded by Georges Braque and Pablo Picasso?

A.  4:  Cubism.

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Q.  5:  Which former country was originally called ‘The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes’?

A.  5:  Yugoslavia.

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Q.  6:  In what unit do barometers and weather maps usually display atmospheric pressure?

A.  6:  Millibars.

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Q.  7:  Which famous horror novel is subtitled ‘The Modern Prometheus’?

A.  7:  Frankenstein.

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Q.  8:  Who led the Luftwaffe in the Second World War?

A.  8:  Hermann Goering.

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Q.  9:  What piece of computer equipment was invented by Douglas Engelbart of Stanford Research Institute in 1963?

A.  9:  The Mouse.

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Q. 10:  Which acid is found in car batteries?

A. 10:  Sulphuric.

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Q. 11:  “Egghead weds hourglass” was the headline when playwright Arthur Miller married which actress?

A. 11:  Marilyn Monroe.

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Q. 12:  Edmund Barton in 1901 was the first prime minister of where?

A. 12:  Australia.

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Q. 13:  The ‘Battle of Balaclava’ is a famous battle in which war?

A. 13:  The Crimean.

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Q. 14:  Fulgencio Batista was overthrown as the leader of which country on January 1 1959?

A. 14:  Cuba.

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Q. 15:  The Canary Islands were named after which animal?

A. 15:  Dogs.

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Q. 16:  What was Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name?

A. 16:  It was ‘Moon’.

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Q. 17:  Which ancient battle gave its name to an athletics race?

A. 17:  Marathon.

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Q. 18:  What is a four letter word ending in ‘k’ that means intercourse?

A. 18:  Talk. (Well, really, you should be ashamed of yourself.)

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Q. 19:  In which ship did Captain James Cook sail on his first voyage of exploration between 1768 and 1771?

A. 19:  The Endeavour

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Q. 20:  Who was The Quiet Man?

A. 20:  John Wayne, playing American/Irish ex-prizefighter Sean Thornton. Here he is being not so quiet in the movie…

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Obama Says Iraq’s Government Needs Help!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Now there’s a headline. Let’s repeat it…

Obama says Iraq’s government needs help!

Long live hypocrisy!

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Time for a Sunday Sermon I think!

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Iraqi flag

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I say hypocrisy for one simple reason, Obama  –  remember him, the man who was getting all the troops OUT of Iraq  –  wants to send them back in again because of the almighty mess that America, Britain and other western nations made blundering about in a country they didn’t understand.

It’s worse than that, of course, because Obama wants to send the troops back into Iraq to help stave off attacks by radical Islamists who have been making inroads in various parts of Iraq and are now threatening to close in on Baghdad itself.

This what he said, “I don’t rule out anything, because we do have a stake in making sure that these jihadists are not getting a permanent foothold in either Iraq or Syria.”

But hang on a minute.

There’s that stench of hypocrisy again.

Are these not the very same terrorists who Obama is supporting financially and with arms shipments in Syria?

They may have different names in different countries but these terrorists collectively want to establish an Islamic state in the region that surpasses national boundaries and governments. And from there, who knows?

It really is that simple. But it seems American foreign policy is in its usual state – completely confused, completely devoid of logic and good sense.

The mess that has been left behind in Iraq is catastrophic.

The country has more or less disintegrated politically and militarily, with Islamic militants capturing the country’s second-largest city this week after soldiers scattered, leaving their uniforms and weapons behind. So much for the $15 billion Washington (i.e., the American taxpayer) has already provided in training, weapons and equipment to the Iraqi government!

The result of this capitulation is that at least half a million ordinary citizens are understandably fleeing as the terrorists gain ground.

America’s ‘re-intervention’ will start with air strikes, possible using drones. But the chances of that doing anything more than temporarily halting the terrorists are slight. Next will come increased supplies of arms and equipment for the ‘official’ Iraqi forces. And then ‘advisors’ will be sent in  –  they’re probably already there, their presence will just be officially acknowledged.

There was a strong indication of what will come after that, when White House spokesman Jay Carney said. “We are not contemplating ground troops, I want to be clear about that.”

I have seldom seen a clearer admission that the White House is actively considering sending ground troops back into Iraq!

SoS Kerry has been wheeled out again to tell the world that the situation presently is not just a threat to Iraq, but to the United States and the rest of the world. We all know that John. What we also know  –  and what you don’t  –  is that more blundering about in a situation you do not understand, more young American live sacrificed for nothing, and more brave souls maimed for life to satisfy political whims won’t make things any better.

Will common sense ever prevail? Sadly I very much doubt it. The lack of understanding exhibited by the politicians seems to span all parties.

The lunatics are in charge of the asylum.

So there’s more stupidity on the way!

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Ethno-religious map of Iraq
Ethno-religious map of Iraq, courtesy of the Washington Post

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I’m Planning On Being More Spontaneous In The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

scarecrow

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

short sleeved tops

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

dog pound

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

swings in park

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

fun funeral

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

camouflaged

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

donut_van_chase

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

tv repairman

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

phone-texting

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

Vincent van Gogh

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

medical school entrance exam

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

marriage_is_not_a_word_its_a_sentence_t_shirt

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

no dumping

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

peterborough jobs blow

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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I Decide Which Beer To Drink On A Case By Case Basis!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What other way can you sample beer?

While you are thinking about that here are a few more samples of word plays, otherwise knows as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I photographed myself stealing from

the DIY store earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

shelves

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My friend Dave has drunk many weird

and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

Armani_Cologne_for_men

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I don’t know why people feel the need to travel

around the world to “find themselves”;

I found myself years ago.

Turns out I was right under my nose.

nose

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I’ve recently been a stunt man in a couple of movies.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

Will-Dean-stunt-man-006

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I bought a chair at the furniture store

from a new range based on Thai furniture.

It’s called a ‘Ladyboy’.

La-Z-Boy

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Have you visited www. conjunctivitis. com?

It’s a site for sore eyes

sore eyes

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My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.

cartoon-ham-8

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With these terrible storms, I’ve been trying to think

of a way of stopping the water entering my property.

Can’t come up with anything though.

Damn!

sandbags dam

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Dijon vu

dijon vu mustard

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My sister fell in love with an arsonist.

She carried a torch for him for months.

They eventually split up, after a blazing row.

lit match

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The new strip bar in my town doesn’t let Jews in.

It’s a gentile man’s club.

Strip-Bar-sign

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I took a ‘Mickey Mouse’ degree and now

I’m head of animation at Disney Studios.

Mickey_Mouse

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Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

“Did you find the shampoo?”

“Oi did,” Paddy says,

“But it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

dry hair shampoo

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One of the Sisters at the convent was kidnapped the other day.

Police blamed the lack of security at the premises.

The local newspaper summed it up with the headline…

“No ‘fence.  Nun taken.”

SISTER

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I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

blank page

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Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

fishing for compliments

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I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

tent--colored-cartoon-illustration

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I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

ventriloquist's dummy

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I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

Taser-Gun

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I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

endowment

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I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

X and Y chromosomes

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Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

grumpy dwarf

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When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

cctv4

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I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

one eyed alien

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My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

scared-dog

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I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

hugh grant

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I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

judge-with-gavel

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My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

pool break

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil

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I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

shower-cartoon

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A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

phew

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

thesaurus

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I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

colonic-irrigation

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I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

incontinence hot line

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What do Mexican Robots Eat?

Silicon-Carne

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Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yet another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

I wouldn’t guarantee the politically correctness of some of them, but enjoy them if you can!

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How do Welsh people cross the road?

Caerphilly!

Caerphilly

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Are dwarfs the lowest form of human life?

cartoon dwarf

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What are the rules of gay poker?

Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

cards_bicycle_poker_decK

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I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

cartoon_train

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A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed.

“Would you like them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.

“Oooo no….” says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”

stuffed cats

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A woman in the pharmacy sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampons for a dollar.

She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?”

“Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a dollar and there are no strings attached!”

tampon choc

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Did you hear about the gay carpenter?

He always left a saw behind!

carpenter_cartoon

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A psychotic rapist escaped recently from a mental institution for the criminally insane. He ran across the street to the laundromat hoping to find a change of clothes. Inside, he discovered two women, and forced them to have sex. Then he fled out the back door.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, “NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!”

cartoon crazy dude

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Irish bloke walks into a pub and says, “Drink of orange please landlord.”

The landlord asks, “Still orange?”

Irish fella replies, “Yes, I haven’t changed my mind.”

irishman bar

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Two blondes walk into a building…

Wow, you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Two_Blondes_by_sincity2

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What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?

Justin.

small-penis

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After announcing he’s getting married, a Scotsman tells his pal he’ll be wearing a kilt.

‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks the mate.

‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’ he replies.

cartoon-scotsman-with-a-kilt

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Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”

two-parrots

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What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?

None.

You just pick it up as you go along!

road_sweeper

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Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.

“Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.”

good-king-wenceslas-omar-rayyan

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A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

“Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?”

The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”

cartoon-otter

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