Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

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I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

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“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

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I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

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I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

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You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

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The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

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I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

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Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

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I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

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I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

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When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

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Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

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Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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I’d Say 6:30 Is The Best Clock Time, Hands Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And the best time for puns is today!

By the way, no liability accepted, so try not to hurt yourselves laughing.

Enjoy or endure!

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I threw out my vacuum cleaner last week.

It was just gathering dust.

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I work for the hospital dealing with

moving patients between different areas.

It’s a rewarding job.

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I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I’ve started seeing someone else.

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My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.

I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

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What’s the difference between ‘Approximately’ and ‘Roughly’?

Men are never accused of treating women approximately.

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After battling for years to overcome

my addiction to alcohol gel,

I’m finally clean.

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Grandad was talking about getting

a hip replacement for my Grandma.

“Someone younger and trendier,” he said,

“Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis.”

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I wasn’t always into peer pressure……

My friends got me into it.

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Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car

…..I’ve never looked back

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I sat down on the settee today to relax and watch a bit of football,

but the picture on the telly was so terrible I couldn’t bear it.

I hate wedding photos.

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I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.

I then saved it as ‘Whats Up.doc’

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If you like wordplay jokes about pissing

then urine for a treat.

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I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words.

It’s a fantastic opporchancity.

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I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack

and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

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Finally for this week,

and with a certain blog friend in mind,

what did the three campanologists who

fell off a bridge in Paris, France start playing?

“I’m ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine…”

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Whiteboards Are Remarkable!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What was that? Whiteboards are remarkable?

Yes, another pun day awaits below.

Enjoy!

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My New Zealand girlfriend said that

she was falling in love with my rubbish puns,

so I asked her to maori me.

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My boss said I couldn’t park my monster truck in the work car park.

So I went over her head.

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When my grandfather passed away,

I had his ashes kept in an old bottle of vodka.

I know he’s not here right now,

but he’s with me in spirit.

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Feminism is sooooo cute.

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My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.

She just couldn’t Bear it…

So she Swanned off…

And took the Kids…

Well at least I no longer have to listen to her bleating on…

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I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.

The bloke at the other end went on and on and on.

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Some say a world without sin is ideal,

but there are only so many problems which can be answered

with cos and tan.

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The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

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If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD.

If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD.

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This girl came up to me today and

said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

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How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.    

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I’m not a competitive person…

I’ll be the first to admit it.    

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Me and my friend have just been fighting

over which is the best vowel.

I won.      

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Iron man.

What a Fe male.

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Today, I walked into a restaurant.

“Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Great, take these to table six then.”

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What should you say when you see one of the toddlers

on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey?

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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