Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Twelve!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Saturday again and time for another selection of classified ads that would probably be better classified as mistakes.

Judge for yourself if the people who created these got it right or not.

Enjoy!

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Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yet another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

I wouldn’t guarantee the politically correctness of some of them, but enjoy them if you can!

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How do Welsh people cross the road?

Caerphilly!

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Are dwarfs the lowest form of human life?

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What are the rules of gay poker?

Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

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A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed.

“Would you like them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.

“Oooo no….” says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”

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A woman in the pharmacy sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampons for a dollar.

She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?”

“Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a dollar and there are no strings attached!”

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Did you hear about the gay carpenter?

He always left a saw behind!

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A psychotic rapist escaped recently from a mental institution for the criminally insane. He ran across the street to the laundromat hoping to find a change of clothes. Inside, he discovered two women, and forced them to have sex. Then he fled out the back door.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, “NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!”

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Irish bloke walks into a pub and says, “Drink of orange please landlord.”

The landlord asks, “Still orange?”

Irish fella replies, “Yes, I haven’t changed my mind.”

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Two blondes walk into a building…

Wow, you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

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What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?

Justin.

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After announcing he’s getting married, a Scotsman tells his pal he’ll be wearing a kilt.

‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks the mate.

‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’ he replies.

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Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”

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What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?

None.

You just pick it up as you go along!

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Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.

“Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.”

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A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

“Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?”

The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”

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