Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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Some More Politicians Who Managed To Get Their Feet In Their Mouths.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It always amazes me that politicians, who should be well aware that every word they say will be recorded somewhere, are so prone to speak without thinking.

On the other hand maybe they do think about what they are going to say and see nothing wrong with it. That is a very distinct possibility.

Either way it’s good for the rest of us.

We all like to laugh and who better to laugh at than a stupid politician.

Enjoy.

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”Feminism was established so as

to allow unattractive women easier access

to the mainstream of society.”

Rush Limbaugh

 

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“Schwarzenegger is going to find out that,

unlike a Hollywood movie set,

the bullets coming at him in this campaign

are going to be real bullets.”

Bob Mulholland, campaign adviser

for the California Democratic Party

 

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 “We are not without accomplishment.

We have managed to distribute poverty equally.”

Nguen Co Thatch,

Vietnamese Foreign Minister.

 

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“When the President does it

that means that it’s not illegal.”

Richard M. Nixon

 

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“During my service in

the United States Congress,

I took the initiative in

creating the Internet.”

 Al Gore.

 

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“Exercise freaks

… are the ones putting stress

on the health care system.”

Rush Limbaugh

 

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“Capital punishment is our way

of demonstrating the sanctity of life.”

Orrin Hatch

 

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“If you’ve seen one city slum,

you’ve seen them all.”

Spiro Agnew

 

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“From time to time there are going to

be things that occur that are acts of God

that cannot be prevented.”

Rick Perry,

on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, in 2010

 

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”Well, I learned a lot….

I went down to (Latin America) to find out

from them and (learn) their views.

You’d be surprised.

They’re all individual countries.”

Ronald Reagan

 

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“We know that no one person can succeed

unless everybody else succeeds.”

Howard Dean.

 

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“The more toppings a man has on his pizza,

I believe the more manly he is.

A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables!

He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Herman Cain

 

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“What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind.

Or not to have a mind at all.

How true that is.”

Vice President Dan Quayle

 

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“I’ve now been in 57 states

– I think one left to go.”

Barack Obama

at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon.

 

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“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.”

Joe Biden

to Missouri State Sen. Chuck Graham

… who’s in a wheelchair

 

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“In America,

anybody may become president,

and I suppose it’s just one of the risks you take.”

Adlai Stevenson

two-time Democratic presidential nominee

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Fifteen Fascinating Facts From Fasab’s Flipping Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I seem to be running out of ‘F’ words for my titles to these. Sorry for the repetition but I’m trying to avoid using the obvious in case it might offend.

Nevertheless, it’s time for a few more strange facts. Curious things that you probably never knew or even though of before. After you read this, of course, you will know them, whether you care to ever think of them again is entirely up to you.

Enjoy.

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If you mouth the word “Colorful”

it looks like you are mouthing “I Love You”.

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Astronauts have a patch of velcro inside their helmets

so they can scratch their nose

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Your cell phone has more bacteria than a toilet seat

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About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in the U.S. everyday.

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It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery

than the celery had in it to begin with.

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Cleopatra married two of her brothers.

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A single cup of gasoline, when ignited,

has the same explosive power as five sticks of dynamite.

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Keeping you car tuned up is a good way to save on gas.

A car that is tuned up is 9% more efficient on gas.

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Acupuncture was first used as a medical treatment

in 2700 BC by Chinese Emperor Shen-Nung.

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13% of Americans actually believe

that some parts of the moon are made of cheese.

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A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

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In ancient Rome,

when a man gave sworn evidence in court

he would swear on his testicles,

hence the term testifying.

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John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son.

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There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

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The word “lethologica” describes the state of

not being able to remember the word you want.

 

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Did you try mouthing the word “Colorful” in a mirror?

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Nineteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Classified ads day. 

Time to present another selection of classified ads that should be classified as something else.

Enjoy.

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What Do Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you were ever in any doubt, let me assure you that when you elect morons to positions where they can legislate for the rest of us then you are assured that they will spend their time and our money making stupid laws, rules and regulations.

It happens in every country and in every state in every country. Such is the horrendous scale of the problem that I would be blogging forever if I tried to highlight worldwide stupidity, so as an example let’s look at some of the lesser known laws that govern citizens in the United States of America (I will list them state by state alphabetically. Part one today is A to L).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).

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ALABAMA

• It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of spooking horses. 
• In Alabama, it is against the law to wear a fake mustache that could cause laughter in the church. 
• A voter spending more than four minutes in a voting booth can be asked to hurry up.

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ALASKA

• No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car.
• A clumsy or unknowledgeable person may not use a ski-lift.
• Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops.
• It is a crime to deceive a machine.

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ARIZONA

• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• It is illegal to buy a human egg in order to clone yourself.
• You may not leave a fishing pole unattended.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
  

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ARKANSAS

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. (Ridiculous idea!)
• Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. (How about a “woof”?) 
• It is against the law to own a dangerous cat.

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CALFORNIA

• The Shell Egg Advisory Committee must have seven members.
• City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” (A little bit of role reversal there.)
• In Chino, testing a nuclear device within the city limits is prohibited.
• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood took the chair – as mayor, I mean)
• If you are selling your house you must warn potential buyers if the house is thought to be haunted.

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COLORADO

• It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property. (I’m so cross I could spit!)
• It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. (Quite right too, let them wallow in their filth and bring the whole neighborhood image down.)

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CONNECTICUT

• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
• Selling a spool of thread without first stating its length is subject to a penalty of up to three months in prison.
• It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. (And just plain dumb to do it in daylight.)
• It is illegal to sell milk from skinny cows.
• You may not educate dogs. (Or legislators, it seems!)
• It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

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DELAWARE

• No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk. (But actually sleeping is okay?)
• One may not whisper in church. (But if we talk loudly won’t it disrupt the Service?)

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FLORIDA

• Doors of all public buildings must open outwards. (Pushist legislation if ever I saw it.)
• It is illegal for female hot dog stand attendants to wear G-strings. 
• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• In West Palm Beach it is a crime to hang a carpet in public.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (And bloody dangerous I would imagine!)
• You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. (But someone else’s wife is okay?)

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GEORGIA

• It is a crime to sell your child off to a circus. 
• The term “sadomasochistic abuse” is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit.
• It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. (FFS, oops!)
• No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. (Don’t they mean “a Sundae”?)
• One is not permitted to noodle a fish. (I don’t know what this means but it sounds a bit pervy.)
• Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. (There it is again, what’s going on?)
• All citizens must own a rake. (Leaf us alone!)

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HAWAII

• All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. (Canoe believe this one?)
• In Maui County building an atomic bomb is subject to a fine.
• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears. (They’ll have to make change here.)

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IDAHO

• It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
• You may not fish on a camel’s back. (I take the hump at that rule.)
• Cannibalism is prohibited unless under life threatening situations. 
• Residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back. (They’ve got some neck on them!)
• It is a crime for anyone who is not blind to use a white cane.
• A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face. (Another good reason for reading the fasab blog!)

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ILLINOIS

• You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. (The buck stops here.)
• The English language is not to be spoken. (That’s becoming more and more true of a lot of states in the US)
• In Minooka it is illegal to “suffer any bitch or slut”. 
• One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth. (Just how much of this was going on that they thought they needed a law against it? Or is someone just taking the piss??)
• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. (The hell with that.)
• In Joliet the word “Joliet” must be pronounced properly, with the accent on the first syllable.
• It is illegal to give a dog whiskey. (What a waste, I wouldn’t dream of it.)
• In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb. (There goes a good night out!)
• It is against the law to sell a smelly mattress. 
• Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays. (I guess I’ll have to take a bath Saturdays in Illinois.)
• Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

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INDIANA

• Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. (Even for single beds?)
• Stupefying fish is against the law.
• The value of Pi is 3. (No it isn’t.)
• It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. (That a hard one – to enforce I mean!)
• Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. (Definitely have to remember to stay out of Illinois then.)
• Possessing a weapon of mass destruction is against the law.
• It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. (Even if it is coming from the other direction?)

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IOWA

• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
• It is illegal to catch more than 48 frogs in one day.
• One-armed piano players must perform for free.
• Within the city limits of Ottumwa, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

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KANSAS

• Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. (How illuminating.)
• It is against the law to modify the weather without a permit.
• No one may catch fish with his bare hands. 
• The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
• If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. (That law will get us nowhere.)
• No one may sing the alphabet on the streets at night. (What’s the penalty for lettering?)

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KENTUCKY

• One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.
• One may not receive anal sex. (No problem.)
• Nudist colonies must make themselves available for inspection by the local sheriff. 
• A woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission. (So that’s why they went out of fashion.)

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LOUISIANA

• It is a $500 fine to instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to your friend without them knowing.
• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (Okay, if I ever do that I’ll use a real gun.)
• Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault”. (If you have no teeth can you just give them a big suck?)

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Twenty Questions Tuesday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like this time last week this is a test that isn’t a test. Just a series of questions that will hopefully make you think and make you smile. Although you don’t hear them asked very often, if at all, some of the questions are quite reasonable.

If you find you can answer any or all of them, then well done.

As usual, enjoy.

 

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

Why are you ‘IN’ a movie, but you’re ‘ON’ TV?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

 

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

 

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Do the ‘Alphabet song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune?

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

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