Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 pregnancy

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 nihilists

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 barometer

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 juggler

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 Uncle Ben

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 helium

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 getting old

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 boxes of wigs

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 woman crying

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 pizza

.

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 baby monitor

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 50 inch HDTV

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 little buggers

.

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 uranium alert

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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My Nose Is Itchy, I Wonder Why. Maybe The Facts Will Tell Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Itchy or not it’s time for another fact day.

This selection includes music, movies and Mexican general elections.

So hopefully something for everyone.

Enjoy.

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facts 02

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Earth’s seasons are not due to our proximity to the sun,

but rather due to Earth’s 23.4 degree tilt on its axis.

 earth's tilt on axis

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Did you know that in Romania many people believe

that when your nose is feeling itchy,

it means that someone wants to kiss you.

In some other countries the superstition says

that an itchy nose is a sign that

you are going to be angry later.

Take you choice which to believe, or both, or neither.

 itchy nose

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When you are trying to listen to someone in a noisy situation,

use your right ear because it picks up words better,

while your left ear is better at picking up sounds and music.

 listening

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Famous people who served during World War One (WWI)

include the writers A. A. Milne, creator of Winnie the Pooh,

JRR Tolkien, author of Lord of The Rings,

sculptor Henry Moore, and the actor Basil Rathbone.

 

Basil Rathbone WWI
Basil Rathbone WWI

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Although it is commonly said and believed that

lightning doesn’t strike in the same place twice,

the fact is that it can and does.

Lightning tries to find the fastest path to the ground,

and therefore tall buildings, trees, and such are at the

greatest risk because the higher the object,

the more likely it is to be struck.

 lightning striking tree

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The most subscribed channel

on YouTube is ‘Music’.

 YouTube music channel

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In the Mexican general election of 1988,

during the count the government claimed

that the computers had crashed.

Although the early results showed that

Cárdenas was winning comfortably,

when the computers were “repaired,”

his political opponent, Salinas, had supposedly

eked out a narrow victory.

Years later, a former president of Mexico,

Miguel de la Madrid, admitted to the New York Times

that the 1988 general election had been rigged

to make the Institutional Revolutionary Party win,

and that three years after the election,

all ballots were burned in order to

remove all evidence of the fraud.

 Mexican flag

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The techniques used for pyramid

construction developed over time;

later pyramids were not built

the same way as earlier ones.

 techniques used for pyramid construction

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 In the H G Wells novel entitled “The World Set Free”,

written at a time when little was known

about the power of radioactive elements,

he predicted that a city-destroying atomic bomb

would destroy lives in the future.

Years later the atomic bomb was launched

through the Manhattan Project and eventually

dropped on the Japanese city of Hiroshima,

causing radiation sickness and deaths years after.

 The World Set Free by H G Wells

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In 1929, German surgeon Werner Forssmann

examined the inside of his own heart by

threading a catheter into his arm vein.

This was the first cardiac catheterization,

a now common procedure.

 cardiac catheterization

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The chef was one of the male survivors

from the Titanic disaster,

and his survival is credited to the amount

of liquor he drank right before going underwater,

which kept his body temperature up.

 Titanic chef survivor

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Marijuana is known to increase

appetite and food consumption.

Pigs in Bhutan are fed cannabis to make

them hungrier and consequently fatter.

 Pigs in Bhutan are fed cannabis

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Vodka is the world’s most popular liquor by a huge margin,

with about 5 billion liters consumed every year.

 stolichnaya vodka

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Cocoa trees can live up to 200 years but they only

produce usable cocoa beans for about 25 years.

 Cocoa trees

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In the famous movie Psycho,

Alfred Hitchcock used Bosco chocolate syrup

for blood in the legendary shower scene.

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I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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rofl

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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Did You Know? – More Interesting Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More interesting facts today.

Hats definitely off to James Harrison, but my favorite is Bill Morgan.

Enjoy.

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did you know4

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We’ll start with one in honor of the recently passed St Patrick’s Day.

St Patrick’s given name was Maewyn Succat.

After becoming a priest, he changed his name to Patricius,

from the Latin term meaning “father figure.”

st patrick

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Esperanto is an artificial language,

but is spoken by about 500,000 to 2,000,000 people,

and 2 feature films have been done in the language.

basic_esperanto_words_by_moosader

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After the bible,

the most translated book in the world is

Pinocchio.

pinocchio book cover

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Hall of fame boxer Sugar Ray Robinson backed out of a fight

because he had a dream that he was going to kill his opponent in the ring.

After a priest and minister convinced him to fight, Robinson went into the ring

and killed his opponent Jimmy Doyle.

Sugar Ray Robinson and Jimmy Doyle

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The German word for birth control pill is ‘antibabypille’

and in Switzerland they have pregnancy tests

called ‘MaybeBaby’ in vending machines.

birth control

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After 9/11, 1600 people died in automobile accidents

after they switched travel plans from flying to driving.

automobile-accident

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If officials awarded Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France title

to the next fastest finisher who has never been linked to doping,

they would have to give it to the person who finished 23rd.

tour de france

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When US Army officer Braxton Bragg held both the job of

the company commander and the post’s quartermaster,

he made a request to the quartermaster (that is, himself)

and when he received the request as quartermaster he denied it.

He continued to argue back and forth with himself through letters.

braxton_bragg_2_400_pxlw

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In 2010 workers at Ground Zero found an 18th century wooden ship

underneath the World Trade Center rubble.

ship-hull-found-in-ground-zero-rubble

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When child actor Jackie Coogan turned 18,

he found out all his money, $68 million,

had been spent by his mother, who argued

“No promises were ever made to give Jackie anything.

Every dollar a kid earns before he is 21 belongs to his parents.” 

Coogan’s Bill was then passed to protect child actors.

Jackie_Coogan,_The_Kid_(1921)

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In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your own wife’s birthday.

(Isn’t that true for most places?)

wife's birthday

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Ryan Gosling was cast as Noah in The Notebook

because the director wanted someone “not handsome.”

ryan gosling noah

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After needing 13 liters of blood for a surgery at the age of 13,

a man named James Harrison, aka “The Man With The Golden Arm”,

pledged to donate blood once he turned 18.

It was discovered that his blood contained a rare antigen

which cured Rhesus disease.

He has donated blood a record 1000 times

and saved 2,000,000 lives.

james-harrison donating blood

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In 1942 in Mississippi there was a man known as the Phantom Barber

who would break into peoples’ houses at night and cut their hair.

The Phantom Barber Of Mississippi

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In 1999 an Australian man, named Bill Morgan

was declared dead for 14 minutes after an allergic reaction to drugs

given to him in hospital after a car accident.

To celebrate his survival he bought a scratch card

and won a $27,000 car.

A news team covering the story asked him to re-enact

the scratch card moment for their story,

so he went into the shop, bought another scratch card,

and won  $250,000 jackpot.

Here he is….

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I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

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rofl

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“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

decimals

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Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

giraffe-cartoon-nudist-camp

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The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier

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It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

dot-me-logo

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Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

Psycho_(1960)

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When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

fun_fair_by_shadowdraco

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I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle

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My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

mt-rushmore-cartoonfrederator-studios

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I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

bookshelves

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My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words

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Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

Black_and_White_Dog_Cartoon_of_a_Dog_Selling_Stolen_Watches_clipart_image

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It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

microwave

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My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing

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Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

tootsie-con-dustin-hoffman

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Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

pain-de-france

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I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials

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“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

unicorns

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Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears

.

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I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab

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The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

Cartoon_of_a_Bride_Left_at_the_Alter_clipart_image

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Time For Another Fun Filled Facts Day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes it’s time for another day filled with those fun facts that we all like to read.

And they’ll come in handy when you least expect it, as one or two people have already found out.

So learn and enjoy!

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In the 1800s feeding lobster to prisoners

was considered to be ‘a cruel and unusual punishment,

like making people eat rats’.

lobster-thermidor

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Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.

mosquito-hunter

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The Guinness Book of Records holds the record

for being the book most often stolen from Libraries.

guinness-world-records-2013-book_0

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In Albania,

nodding your head means ‘no’

and shaking your head means ‘yes’.

opposite-day

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You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

How unique is that?

birthday

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In India, Pajamas are accepted as standard daytime wearing apparel.

kurta-pajama

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A female oyster produces 100 million young in her lifetime;

the typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year;

rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants;

and it is possible for one female cat to be responsible for the birth of 20,736 kittens in four years.

kittens

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The greatest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69,

to the wife of Feodor Vassilyev (b. 1707–c.1782), a peasant from Shuya, Russia.

In 27 confinements she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.

Only two of the children failed to survive their infancy.

69-children-born-to-one-woman

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750ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute

which is 15-20% of blood flow from the heart.

brain

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The February of 1865 and 1999 are the only months

in recorded history not to have a full moon.

moon

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It has been estimated that at any one time

around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

Cheers!

Cartoon_Drunk

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The name Jeep comes from “GP”,

the army abbreviation for General Purpose.

jeep

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Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter, Ruth,

not the baseball player.

baby-ruth-logo

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Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files

(i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”).

Elwood Edwards

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55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

prisoners

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Sherlock Holmes NEVER said ‘Elementary, my dear Watson!’

Holmes does use the word ‘elementary’ in The Crooked Man (1894)

but ‘Elementary, my dear Watson’ itself was coined 21 years later

by P.G. Wodehouse in his novel Psmith, Journalist (1915).

However, Holmes did ejaculate several times, as did Watson and others.

In fact, there are 23 ejaculations in total, with 11 belonging to Watson and 6 to Holmes.

On one occasion, Holmes refers to Watson’s ‘ejaculations of wonder’ being invaluable;

on another, Watson ejaculates ‘from his very heart’ in the direction of his fiancée.

A chap called Phelps ejaculated three times during the story of The Naval Treaty.

The only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair’s husband,

who ejaculates at her from a second-floor window!

Paget_holmes

It is not clear whether it is Holmes or Watson who ejaculates in the passage below,

taken from “The Man with the Twisted Lip”, 1891:

“So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up,

and I found the summer sun shining into the apartment. The pipe was still between his lips,

the smoke still curled upward, and the room was full of a dense tobacco haze,

but nothing remained of the heap of shag which I had seen upon the previous night.”

Isn’t the English Language wonderful.

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More Dumb Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I thought we were coming to an end of these, but it seems there are still a few more intellectual gems to be discovered.

Have a look at this latest selection from the quiz show contestants who should have stayed at home.

Enjoy.

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Q:  In botany, what is the scientific term for a plant that lives for more than two years?

A:  A tree

Yosemite NP - Giant Sequoia - California Tree

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Q:  What “E” is the world’s highest mountain?

A:  Everglades

everglades-np

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Q:  George Bernard Shaw called this condition “the greatest of evils and the worst of crimes.”

A:  What is marriage?

marriage-cartoon

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Q:  Name a country in South America

A:  Africa

A:  Rio De Janeiro

A:  Spain

A:  Fiji

A:  Armenia

A:  Saudi Arabia

south-america

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Q:  Name something you squeeze

A:  Peanut butter

peanut-butter

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Q:  Name a planet you recognize just by looking at a picture of it

A:  The Moon

moon

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Q:  Name something you often misplace in your car

A:  Steering wheel

steering wheel

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Q:  Besides an airplane, name something man-made that flies

A:  A jet

cartoon jet

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Q:  Name something that doesn’t work without water

A:  Ice cream cone

icecream_cone.

 

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Q:  Name a noisy bird

A:  Chipmunk

chipmunk

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Q:  Name something a duck and a chicken have in common

A:  They quack

quack s doodle doo

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Q:  Name a happy occasion where you feel a little let down when it’s over

A:  Funeral

Cartoon funeral

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Q:  Name a male dancer

A:  Betty Grable

betty-grable-jukebox-75

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Q:  The birthday that men dread the most

A:  Their wife’s

wife's birthday

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Q:  Name a children’s story about an animal

A:  David and Goliath

David Goliath cartoon

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Q:  Something that’s murder to clean up when you spill it           

A:  Blood

blood_spill1

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Q:  Name a measurement of time

A:  Watch

hourglass

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Q:  Something associated with Cuba

A:  It’s in South America

cuban-cigar

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Q:  Name a movie with the word “King” in it

A:  King Dracula

dracula

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