“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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I was walking through the house
the other day with my camera
when I spotted the cat lying on a sofa.
“Hi there.” I said. “Whatya doin?”
“Just chilling out here on the sofa,’” she said.
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“I have a joke for you,” I said.
So I told her a joke.
It must have been a good one,
my how she laughed.
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Then I asked,
“Mind if I take your photo?”
“Oh no, no way,” she replied.
“I haven’t combed my fur or anything.”
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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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I know it’s June but you will see later why the title says April. The fools bit is appropriate all year round for these guys as will also become clear.
Now for the story.
A cunning master criminal and his accomplice were caught after a burglary attempt at a place of business in Maplewood, Minnesota, thanks to an alert police dispatcher and a real dumb-ass criminal.
As a result Todd J. Weiss 32, from Minnetonka and his sidekick Justin G. Evans, 38, from Savage, were arrested at the scene. Both face third-degree felony burglary charges.
The incident took place around 4:45 a.m. April 1 (Fools Day appropriately enough, hence the title).
Maplewood Police Chief Paul Schnell said a 911 dispatcher first got a call and hang-up, then another call from the same number.
The second time, the call stayed open. The dispatcher overheard pieces of a conversation about where police were and the dangers of getting caught.
“If it goes off, they are right across the street,” one of the men said, according to the charges.
Police Chief Schnell said it was “pretty clear based on some of that conversation that this was a burglary”.
The phone had been in Weiss’s pocket and whatever he was doing at the time, he had inadvertently pressed the phone’s emergency-call feature, twice!!
As with all 911 calls, the dispatcher could see the location of the caller, in this case a car-repair shop at White Bear Avenue and County Road D.
Officers arrived to see the two men leaving the building wearing dark clothing, the charges said. One was carrying a television, the other a box.
Upon seeing the officers, the men dropped their booty and ran for it. Officers ordered them to stop, then sent police dogs to nab them.
Weiss refused to speak to police after he was read his Miranda rights. Evans said he had taken more than a dozen Xanax and the police report confirmed that he “appeared to be under the influence of the substance”.
He denied being inside the business, saying he was outside behind nearby apartments having relations with his girlfriend.
Both men’s criminal histories include burglary and theft, according to Minnesota court records.
Police Chief Schnell rightly praised the 911 operator, but it has to be said that morons like these who phone 911 while burglarizing a property make it a bit too easy for the cops to catch them.
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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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But as a rule of thumb I like puns.
Hope you do too.
Here are some more.
Enjoy!
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My Japanese penpal dropped out of school recently.
He’s taken leave of his Senseis.
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I’ve got a new job stacking shelves at a supermarket for big, tall men.
It keeps me on my toes.
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I was chatting to someone about cylindrical fasteners earlier,
it was a riveting conversation.
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Skiers don’t have drunken arguments,
they just storm off-piste.
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I used to be the managing director of the world’s largest ladder company.
Until I was asked to step down.
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A friend asked if I wanted to buy his motor boat.
I jumped at the chance and bought both.
I can keep the boat on the moat.
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My friend sells knives for a living and he said if I posted
this on the internet he’d give me a cut.
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What numbskull called it the Police / Fire Department Headquarters
and not Guns and Hoses?
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I went for a job interview with the hacking group Anonymous.
Introduced myself…
And that was the end of the interview
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Just read in the news, that there’s going to be a beauty contest
where all the models are dressed up in newspaper pages.
It must be a Miss Print.
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The A- eam.
Hey, missed a T.
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I went through a lot to be with my girlfriend.
She was standing at the other end of the car park.
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I wish I’d never joined the S and M club.
They tied me into a long term contract.
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A driver waved at me to stop my car and asked if I could change attire.
Why would someone assume that I would keep spare clothes with me!
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Heck is where people go to
who don’t believe in Golly.
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Something tells me my posture might not be so great,
I don’t know.
I just have a hunch.
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Two red blood cells met and fell in love.
But alas, it was in vein.
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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
Now we sell smoothies.
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Man, you get a load of boos when
you turn up to an AA meeting pissed.
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I turned up to a McDonald’s job interview
riding piggyback on a Burger King employee.
“Could I just ask what the hell you’re doing?”
the receptionist asked curtly.
“Well,” I explained patiently, “the woman on the phone told me
I should report to Reception on a rival”
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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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A bit of a change from numbers this Friday.
I found this piece which purports to explain and enlighten us about US politics.
It is in the form of a conversation between a father and his child and as children do, some very telling questions are asked to which the answers are to say the least confusing.
Some of it is a little bit dated, but the basic principles hold good today. It highlights yet again the deeply flawed thinking that is still behind the decisions that affect us all.
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Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
Q: But the inspectors didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That’s because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that’s why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That’s because the weapons are so well hidden. Don’t worry, we’ll find something eventually.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I’m confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn’t they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn’t want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn’t make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It’s a different culture. It’s not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don’t know about you, but I don’t think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn’t matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don’t go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it’s a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn’t that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What’s the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba’ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn’t you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China’s a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn’t a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn’t that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don’t be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn’t think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don’t have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he’s not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What’s a military coup?
A: That’s when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn’t the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn’t you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren’t the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people’s heads and hands?
A: Yes, that’s exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people’s heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn’t the Bush administration give the Taliban $43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people’s heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people’s heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It’s OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people’s hands for growing flowers, but it’s cruel if they cut off people’s hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don’t they also cut off people’s hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That’s different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don’t Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What’s the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don’t go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets – I mean, the Russians – are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we’re mad at them now. We’re also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn’t help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn’t do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn’t Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn’t that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that’s true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America’s side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you’re saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy.
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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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Another selection of those word puzzles called anagrams. Some of the usual suspects are back, but with different takes on their name, and of course thee are a lot of new ones too.
Enjoy.
‘Dolly Parton’
Dynatrollop
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‘The Prince of Wales (Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor)’
Real pompous, petulant, high-class inbreed wretch waiting for E.R. throne.
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‘The Titanic disaster’
Death, it starts in ice
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‘Western Union’
No Wire Unsent
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‘The Cincinnati Reds’
Indecent Christian
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‘Confessional’
On scale of sin
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‘Princess Diana’
End is a car spin
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‘Astronomer’
Moon starer
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‘Astronomers’
No more stars
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‘Frito Lay’
Oily Fart
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‘Conversation’
Voices Rant On
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‘ipod lover’
Poor devil
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‘Justin Timberlake’
I’m a jerk but listen
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Mitt Romney for President
form prime intent, destroy
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‘Christmas’
Trims cash
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‘A Domesticated Animal’
Docile, as a man tamed it
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‘Garbage Man’
Bag manager
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‘President Bush of the USA’
A fresh one, but he’s stupid
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‘Adolf Hitler’
Heil, old fart!
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‘Chairman Mao’
I am on a march.
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fasab 