Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

.

.

I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

.

.

“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

.

.

I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

.

.

I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

.

.

My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

.

.

You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

.

.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

.

.

I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

.

.

Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

.

.

I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

.

.

I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

.

.

When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

.

.

Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

.

.

Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

.

.

My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

.

.

=====================================

.

Witty One-liner Wednesday – Some Sayings Of The Late George Carlin, part 3

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Today I have great pleasure in presenting the third, but unfortunately, final part of this short series of Witty One-liners from the late and great George Carlin.

Where have all the clever comedians gone, I wonder?

Enjoy.

 

 

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

 

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

 

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

 

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

 

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

 

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

 

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

 

“No comment” is a comment.

 

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

 

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

 

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

 

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

 

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

 

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

 

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

 

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

 

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

 

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

 

============================