Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

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I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

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“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

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I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

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I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

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You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

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The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

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I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

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Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

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I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

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I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

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When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

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Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

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Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

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When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

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The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

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This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

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The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

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I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

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What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

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My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

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I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

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If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

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Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

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I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

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When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

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17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

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When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

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As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

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I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

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I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

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I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

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An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

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After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

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