Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 pregnancy

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 nihilists

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 barometer

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 juggler

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 Uncle Ben

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 helium

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 getting old

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 boxes of wigs

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 woman crying

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 pizza

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 baby monitor

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 50 inch HDTV

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 little buggers

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 uranium alert

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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rofl

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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Time To Put The Fears Behind Us

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, time to put the fears behind us. This is the final selection of curious and sometimes amusing fears and phobias that affect some people. Irrational but very real to them. Irrational and very silly to the rest of us.

So here we go, ‘T’ thru ‘Z’.

Enjoy.

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scared 4

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Tachophobia ……….fear of speed.

 

Taijin Kyofusho ……….a phobia which occurs most typically in Japan, is the fear of offending others by one’s inappropriate social behavior or appearance

 

Taeniophobia or Taeniophobia ……….fear of tapeworms.

 

Taphephobia Taphophobia ……….fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.

 

Tapinophobia ……….fear of being contagious.

 

Taurophobia ……….fear of bulls.

 

Technophobia ……….fear of technology.

 

Teleophobia ……….fear of 1) definite plans; 2) religious ceremony.

 

Telephonophobia ……….fear of telephones.

 

Teratophobia ……….fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or deformed people.

 

Testophobia ……….fear of taking tests.

 

Tetanophobia ……….fear of lockjaw, tetanus.

 

Teutophobia ……….fear of German or German things.

 

Textophobia ……….fear of certain fabrics.

 

Thaasophobia ……….fear of sitting.

 

Thalassophobia ……….fear of the sea.

 

Thanatophobia or Thantophobia ……….fear of death or dying.

 

Theatrophobia ……….fear of theatres.

 

Theologicophobia ……….fear of theology.

 

Theophobia ……….fear of gods or religion.

 

Thermophobia ……….fear of heat.

 

Tocophobia ……….fear of pregnancy or childbirth.

 

Tomophobia ……….fear of surgical operations.

 

Tonitrophobia ……….fear of thunder.

 

Topophobia ……….fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.

 

Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia ……….fear of poison or of being accidently poisoned.

 

Traumatophobia ……….fear of injury.

 

Tremophobia ……….fear of trembling.

 

Trichinophobia ……….fear of trichinosis.

 

Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia ……….fear of hair. (Chaetophobia, Hypertrichophobia)

 

Triskaidekaphobia ……….fear of the number 13.

 

Tropophobia ……….fear of moving or making changes.

 

Trypanophobia ……….fear of injections.

 

Tuberculophobia ……….fear of tuberculosis.

 

Turophobia ……….fear of cheese

 

Tyrannophobia ……….fear of tyrants.

 

Uranophobia or Ouranophobia ……….fear of heaven.

 

Urophobia ……….fear of urine or urinating.

 

Vaccinophobia ……….fear of vaccination.

 

Venereophobia ……….fear of catching a venereal disease.

 

Venustraphobia ……….fear of beautiful women.

 

Verbophobia ……….fear of words.

 

Verminophobia ……….fear of germs.

 

Vespertiliophobia ……….fear of bats.

 

Vestiphobia ……….fear of clothing.

 

Virginitiphobia ……….fear of virgins.

 

Virginitiphobia ……….fear of rape.

 

Vitricophobia ……….fear of step-father.

 

Vokephobia ……….fear of returning home.

 

Walloonphobia ……….fear of the Walloons.

 

Wiccaphobia ……….fear of witches and witchcraft.

 

Xanthophobia ……….fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.

 

Xeniaphobia ……….fear of foreign doctors, usually having to do with strong foreign accents making it difficult to understand their English. Also, if travelling in a foreign country, the fear that doctors may have inadequate medical skills.

 

Xenodochiophobia ……….fear of foreign hotels that could include the fear that there won’t be soap, the kind of toilet paper that you like, clean towels, or good maid service.

 

Xenoglossophobia ……….fear of foreign languages.

 

Xenonosocomiophobia ……….fear of foreigners who are pick-pockets.

 

Xenophobia ……….fear of strangers or foreigners.

 

Xerophobia ……….fear of dryness.

 

Xeroxophobia ……….fear of using anything made by Xerox, or fear of office equipment in general.

 

Xylophobia ……….fear of 1) wooden objects; 2) Forests.

 

Xyrophobia ……….fear of razors.

 

Zelophobia ……….fear of jealousy.

 

Zemmiphobia ……….fear of the great mole rat.

 

Zeusophobia ……….fear of God or gods.

 

Zoophobia ……….fear of animals.

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