Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 pregnancy

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 nihilists

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 barometer

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 juggler

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 Uncle Ben

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 helium

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 getting old

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 boxes of wigs

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 woman crying

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 pizza

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 baby monitor

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 50 inch HDTV

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 little buggers

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 uranium alert

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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Being Calm Is Not Something I Rate.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But of course something I do rate are puns.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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Polce Toay Announce They Are

Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

ID Thefts

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I hate washing up liquid.

Washing up solids is much simpler.

washing up liquid

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My girlfriend is leaving me because I’ve got alopecia.

oh well it’s hair loss.

alopecia

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Cryptographers make terrible drummers.

They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

drummer

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My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.

All I do is sit around and stuff.

taxidermist

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My son is cold and calculating

I’ve turned the heating off whilst

he does his maths homework.

homework

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Got an insurance quote today for my car.

They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.

I thought, “Who’d nick a car that was on fire?”

"Why's your fire-and-theft policy so cheap?"

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“When might we take the kids to Disneyland?”

the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, “May.”

It’s been a blast watching her pack,

and the kids getting excited.

All I did was correct her grammar.

Disneyland

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A man walked over to a kid playing with a

huge lizard and asked if he could see it.

After fiddling around with it for a few moments,

he asked what its name was.

The kid replied with, “Tiny.”

“How on Earth did you ever get a name like that

for such a huge creature?” the man asked in awe.

The kid replied with, “Because he’s my newt!”

newt

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My wife is a mute.

She communicates by embroidery.

It’s her own version of sign language,

sew to speak.

embroidery

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I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory

after all the extra hours I put in.

clock factory

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I heard vandals have broken into

an origami exhibition

and ruined all the exhibits.

Police are trying to work out

how it all unfolded.

origami

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My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells

and told me I had to lift them all

over the next quarter of an hour.

Weight a minute…

fifteen heavy dumbbells

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What do you call seafood in a cement mixer?

Hardcore prawn.

cement mixer

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News just in:

Stevie Nicks has announced her

engagement to William Shatner.

When they get married she will

be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

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A Monday Quiz

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s another Monday quiz here at the fasab blog.

Some tough questions this week, but a few multi-pointers so you still have the chance to score well.

Enjoy and very good luck.

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Quiz_button 02

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Q.  1:  Which Olympic superstar was nicknamed ‘The Czech Locomotive’?

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Q.  2:  Which two Disney ‘characters’ appear in the Bond movie ‘Diamonds Are Forever’?

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Q.  3:  ‘Yamazaki’ is a prize winning what?

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Q.  4:  Which fictional character was well versed in Latin and Greek, played excellent whist, spoke French and Spanish, was tone deaf and suffered from mal de mer?

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Q.  5:  What is the name of the largest mountain range in both Iran and Iraq?

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Q.  6:  We know this famous singer as ‘Sting’, but what is his real name?

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Q.  7:  Bellus, a rogue red star and its companion planet Zyra threaten the earth and cause a Noah’s Ark like scenario in which classic science fiction movie?

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Q.  8:  The name of which trendy beverage translated means ‘stained milk’?

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Q.  9:  Who dictated the Qur’an to Muhammad?

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Q. 10:  In the classic movie ‘Casablanca’, what were the last names for each of the following characters? One point for each correct answer.

a. Rick

b. Ilsa

c. Victor

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Q. 11:  What is the most populated city north of the Arctic Circle?

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Q. 12:  What was Sir Percy Blakeney’s colourful nickname?

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Q. 13:  What is Barrack Obama’s middle name?

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Q. 14:  What does the Greek root ‘hipp’ mean?

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Q. 15:  Which word meaning uproarious is derived from the nickname that was given to the psychiatric institution The Hospital of St. Mary of Bethlehem in London?

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Q. 16:  There are two famous David statues in Florence Italy. Who created  

    a. the bronze David (circa 1435) and

    b. the marble David (1501-1504)?

    (A point for each.)

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Q. 17:  The name of which little island country, popular with tourists, stems from the Portuguese for ‘bearded ones’?

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Q. 18:  Why did Edward VIII have to abdicate in 1936?

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Q. 19:  Twelve English actresses have won the Academy Award for best actress. Can you name them? One point for each correct answer.

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Which Olympic superstar was nicknamed ‘The Czech Locomotive’?

A.  1:  Emil Zatopek.

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Q.  2:  Which two Disney ‘characters’ appear in the Bond movie ‘Diamonds Are Forever’?

A.  2:  Bambi and Thumper. (The two female bodyguards)

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Q.  3:  ‘Yamazaki’ is a prize winning what?

A.  3:  Japanese whiskey.

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Q.  4:  Which fictional character was well versed in Latin and Greek, played excellent whist, spoke French and Spanish, was tone deaf and suffered from mal de mer?

A.  4:  Horatio Hornblower.

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Q.  5:  What is the name of the largest mountain range in both Iran and Iraq?

A.  5:  The Zagros mountains.

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Q.  6:  We know this famous singer as ‘Sting’, but what is his real name?

A.  6:  Gordon Sumner.

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Q.  7:  Bellus, a rogue red star and its companion planet Zyra threaten the earth and cause a Noah’s Ark like scenario in which classic science fiction movie?

A.  7:  When Worlds Collide (1951).

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Q.  8:  The name of which trendy beverage translated means ‘stained milk’?

A.  8:  Latte macchiato.

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Q.  9:  Who dictated the Qur’an to Muhammad?

A.  9:  The angel Jibril (Gabriel).

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Q. 10:  In the classic movie ‘Casablanca’, what were the last names for each of the following characters? One point for each correct answer.

a. Rick

b. Ilsa

c. Victor

A. 10:  Their last names were

a. Rick BLAINE

b. Ilsa LUND

c. Victor LASZLO

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Q. 11:  What is the most populated city north of the Arctic Circle?

A. 11:  Murmansk.

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Q. 12:  What was Sir Percy Blakeney’s colourful nickname?

A. 12:  The Scarlet Pimpernel.

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Q. 13:  What is Barrack Obama’s middle name?

A. 13:  Hussein.

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Q. 14:  What does the Greek root ‘hipp’ mean?

A. 14:  Horse.

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Q. 15:  Which word meaning uproarious is derived from the nickname that was given to the psychiatric institution The Hospital of St. Mary of Bethlehem in London?

A. 15:  Bedlam.

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Q. 16:  There are two famous David statues in Florence Italy. Who created  

    a. the bronze David (circa 1435) and

    b. the marble David (1501-1504)?

    (A point for each.)

A. 16:  a. the bronze David was created by Donatello (Donato di Nicola di Betto Bardi)

    b. the marble David was created by Michaelangelo.

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Q. 17:  The name of which little island country, popular with tourists, stems from the Portuguese for ‘bearded ones’?

A. 17:  Barbados.

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Q. 18:  Why did Edward VIII have to abdicate in 1936?

A. 18:  He wanted to marry Mrs Simpson, a divorcee.

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Q. 19:  Twelve English actresses have won the Academy Award for best actress. Can you name them? One point for each correct answer.

A. 19:  Vivien Leigh, Joan Fontaine, Greer Garson, Olivia de Havilland, Elizabeth Taylor, Julie Andrews, Julie Christie, Maggie Smith, Glenda Jackson, Emma Thompson, Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet.

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball?

A. 20:  Tommy.

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

furniture-delivery

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

barbercue

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

clingy

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

jump

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

phillip-lim-ss-2012

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

cartoon-bed-6

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

thyme-rubbed-pork-chops-with-pesto

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

bono

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

swiss-flag

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

man-looking-into-car-keys-locked-in-ignition

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

bttf-delorean

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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Unexpected Answers From Minds That Don’t Quite Work As Intended – Yes, Quiz Show Monday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Yes, another Monday and time for more of those unexpected answers from minds that don’t quite work as intended – even by their owners!

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Q: Name something that you wanted to do as a kid, but your parents wouldn’t let you

A: Have a snake

cartoon snake.

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Q: An occupation in which people cover their faces

A: Model

model with face hidden.

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Q: Name a food used to describe a person

A: A dog

scared dog.

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Q: Name a food you wish was healthy for you

A: Ketchup

cartoon ketchup.

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Q: The bad habit you’d most like to get rid of

A: Picking nose

Pick Me.

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Q: An expression that means “getting married”

A: Rendezvous

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Q: Name a high school class people might actually enjoy going to

A: Beverly Hills

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Q: Name a food that comes smoked

A: Tobacco

baseball-bans-chewing-tobacco.

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Q: Name something a bricklayer uses

A: Spatula

bricklayer at work.

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Q: Name a slang word for “man”

A: Homeboy

homeboy.

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Q: Name a famous Biblical twosome

A: Ralph and Susie

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Q: Name something you’d find in an operating room

A: Operator

operator.

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Q: How many times per day you look in the mirror

A: Twenty

looking in mirror.

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Q: Name a character from a horror movie that reminds you of some of your dates

A: Loch Ness Monster
A: Incredible Hulk

.Incredible_Hulk_Animated_by_soulmaninc

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Q: Name a food that can be brown or white

A: Potatoes

mr_potato_cartoon.

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Q: Name a day of the year when you want to be with friends

A: December

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Q: Name a gift that might be insulting if a woman received it from her mother-in-law

A: Shoes

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Q: Name a tall tourist attraction

A: Disneyland

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Q: Your wife’s most unappealing habit (asked to 100 married men)

A: Picking her feet

picking feet - most annoying habit
picking feet – most unappealing habit

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