BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

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What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

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There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

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If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

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My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

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Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

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My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

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There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

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I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

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A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

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I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

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I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

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My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

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I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

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My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

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I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

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Golf: Putting The Putting Into Putting!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As if you didn’t know from the title – it’s pun day again!

More word play jokes to be enjoyed or endured depending on your taste.

Try them out.

And enjoy!

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My wife and I were happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

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I went for an audition the other day.

They were casting 13 people to be clouds.

14 showed up.

It was overcast.

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Billy: “Did you that movie yesterday where

the actress that was stabbed by a psycho?

Reese…what’s her name?”

Tommy: “Witherspoon?”

Billy: “No with a knife.”

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Have you ever had an accident at work?

Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

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Rats are under rated.

Just check your dictionary.

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I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.

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The fattest man in Britain has recently relocated

from Bath to Poole as he ‘needs more living space’.

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Some terms are really misleading.

I went into the changing room several times.

It was still the same.

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I used to feed gorillas at the Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

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I was asked to describe my life in a nut shell.

“Very dark and cramped,” I replied.

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I lost my watch earlier.

I would have looked for it but I didn’t have the time.

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My friend Daniel wouldn’t believe me when

I told him that his name was an anagram.

He’s in denial.

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I was going to start taking self defense lessons

but I decided on a math class instead.

I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers.

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I saw a billboard on the way to work this

morning that read “Future Events.”

Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

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A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.

“Did you kill that lion?” asks the Zulu.

“Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,” the pygmy replies.

“Wow, you must have a big club,” says the Zulu.

“Yes,” replies the pygmy. “There’s about thirty of us.” 

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I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

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“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

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Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

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The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

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It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

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Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

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When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

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I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

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My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

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I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

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My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

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Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

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It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

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My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

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Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

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Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

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I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

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“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

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Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

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I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

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The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

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Did You Know? Another Rummage Through The Fasab Fact Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hello again and welcome to another rummage through the fasab fact files.

As random as ever, this selection covers many centuries and many countries so you should find something of interest.

Enjoy.

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1 in 5 of the world’s doctors are Russian.

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The Nullarbor Plain of Australia covers

100,000 square miles (160,900 km) without a tree.

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In 1933, Mickey Mouse, an animated cartoon character,

received 800,000 fan letters.

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Nerve impulses to and from the brain

travel as fast as 170 miles (274 km) per hour.

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Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows

to mourn the deaths of their cats.

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Canadian researchers have found that

Einstein’s brain was 15% wider than normal.

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Isaac Asimov is the only author

to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

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The shortest British monarch was Charles I,

who was 4 feet 9 inches.

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Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

(Something to do with his mother no doubt!)

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Camels chew in a figure 8 pattern.

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In space, astronauts cannot cry,

because there is no gravity,

so the tears can’t flow.

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There are 1,792 steps in the Eiffel Tower

 

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A silicon chip a quarter inch square

has the capacity of the original 1949 ENIAC computer,

which occupied a city block.

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About a third of all Americans flush the toilet

while they’re still sitting on it.

 

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Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice president Al Gore

were freshman roommates at Harvard.

 

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In eighteenth century England,

women’s wigs were sometimes 4 feet high.

These remarkable headdresses were dusted with flour

and decorated with stuffed birds, replicas of gardens,

plates of fruit, or even model ships.

 

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In 1976 a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift

officially married a 50 pound rock.

The ceremony was witnessed by more than 20 people.

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In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

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John has a long moustache was the coded signal

used by the French Resistance in WWII

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Significant Number Factoid Friday – Thirteen, Unlucky For Some

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They’ve been ‘beautiful’,  they’ve been ‘big’  and they’ve been ‘unusual’. 

Today we have ‘significant’ number thirteen, unlucky for some.

Enjoy.

 

13 Thirteen

The number 13 seems to give a lot of people trouble. Indeed the fear of the number 13 is so pervasive that it even has a phobia named after it  –  triskaidekaphobia. 

 

In the Bible.

• At the Last Supper in Christian theology, there were 13 dinner guests, so that number is unlucky because Christ was betrayed.
• Thirteen famines are recorded in the Scriptures.
• The destruction of Jericho is stamped with the number thirteen, because the city was compassed once each day for six days, and seven times on the seventh day, making 13 times in all (6+7).
• All the names of Satan are divisible by thirteen.
• In Mark 7 Jesus mentions thirteen things that defile a person (evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride and foolishness).

 

Elsewhere,

• The ancient Hebrews thought 13 was unlucky because the thirteenth letter of the Hebrew alphabet is the letter M, which is the first letter in the word “mavet,” meaning death.
• In Norse mythology, 12 benevolent gods were gathering in a hall and the evil god Loki attacked the group. Loki was the 13th guest, and the god Balder was killed in the melee.
• President Franklin D. Roosevelt was quite fearful of the number 13, and he took great pains to avoid hosting a meal for a group of that size. It is said that if he had a cancellation and it looked as if there might be 13 people to lunch, he would invite his secretary to join them so there wouldn’t be 13.
• Industrialist Henry Ford wouldn’t do business on Friday, the 13th.
• Multimillionaire Paul Getty once stated “I wouldn’t care to be one of thirteen at a table.”
• Some speculate that a fear of the number 13 is the reason we recognize only 12 constellations in the Zodiac, omitting a thirteenth… Ophiuchus ( the Serpent Holder) that, by its location, could be included.
• Years ago, London bakers were subject to harsh penalties if they were caught selling bread in what was called short weight. The bakers would add an extra loaf to each dozen to be sure the sale met the minimum weight requirement. They avoided the word thirteen and the process of adding an extra loaf became known as the “baker’s dozen.”
• Some airlines do not have a 13th row.
• Most tall buildings do not have a 13th floor.
• Many hotel guests refuse to stay in Room 13, so rooms are frequently numbered 12, 12A, and 14.
• The 13th card of the Tarot is the card of Death.
• The composer, Arnold Schoenberg, was a noted triskaidekaphobe. He died as he had predicted at the age of 76 (7+6=13), on a Friday 13th at 13 minutes to midnight.
• In April 1970, NASA launched Apollo 13 at 1313 hours Central Time from pad 39. The flight was commanded by James A. Lovell with John L. “Jack” Swigert as Command Module pilot and Fred W. Haise as Lunar Module pilot. (Swigert was a late replacement for the original CM pilot Ken Mattingly, who was grounded by the flight surgeon after exposure to German measles.) They were scheduled for rest periods beginning 13 minutes past the hour and on April 13 at 21:07:53 CST (55:54:53 Ground Elapsed Time) an oxygen tank exploded and the mission had to be aborted. The rest is history – and a movie, Apollo 13, based on ‘Lost Moon’, Jim Lovell’s and Jeffrey Kluger’s book about the event.

Insignia of the ill-fated Apollo XIII Mission

 

Friday the 13th Myths:

• If you cut your hair on Friday the 13th, someone in your family will die.
• A child born on Friday the 13th will be unlucky for life.
• If a funeral procession passes you on Friday the 13th, you will be the next to die.

 

In the United States

• the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution officially outlaws slavery and involuntary servitude, except as punishment for a crime.
• thirteen colonies rebelled against British Rule and King George III in what led to the American Revolutionary War and the eventual birth of the United States of America. The colonies were Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts Bay, Maryland, South Carolina, New Hampshire, Virginia, New York, North Carolina, and Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.
• there are thirteen stripes on the USA flag to commemorate these original colonies.

USA flag – Stars and Stripes

 

 

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