I’m Sure I’ve Already Posted My Joke About Deja Vu!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Pun Day again.

Does seem a bit déjà vu right enough.

Your chance to giggle or groan, or perhaps a bit of both, as you read the latest word play offerings that we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Disposable beds are unreliable.

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My new band is called ‘DEAF’…

We’ve just been signed.

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How subtle is the ‘b’ in subtle?

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I’ve just fixed the work radio that

had been broken for months,

my colleagues were ecstatic.

You should have heard the reception I got.

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I’ve written a book on how to chop onions.

Read it and weep.

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What sections of swimming pools do I prefer?

Hmm… Depends.

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I’m contemplating inventing a plane with no wings

then selling it to British Airways.

I know what you’re thinking;

it’ll never take off.

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What do you call dyslexic owls?

Slow!

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Remember the shock a few years ago,

when we discovered…

Tiger was really a Cheetah.

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I recently completed a PhD in Scottish poetry.

You could say I have third degree Burns.

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I used to live on the 13th floor but

have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey. 

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A policeman stopped me as I walked out

of an electrical goods store today.

He said, “Before I perform a search,

do you have anything sharp in your pockets?”

I said, “No, just Sony and Panasonic.”

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I love playing chess at the park with old men.

The hard part is finding 32 of them. 

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Since I was a 14 year old lad,

I’ve dated girls in alphabetical order,

starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.

My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I’ll go back to my X.

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I was in a quiz the other day and my team,

along with another, tied for first place.

For the ‘tie-breaker’ we were asked one question,

and the first person to shout the correct

answer won it for their team.

The question was as follows.

‘In Paradise Lost, by John Milton,

what was the Capital City of Hell?’

No-one from either team knew the answer

so both teams started shouting loudly

and waving their arms in frustration

at the question being too hard.

Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out

between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.

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Herbs For Sale: Please No Thyme Wasters!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Are you are looking for some really funny jokes?

Well, never mind.

Try these instead.

It’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.

Toucan play at that game.

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If a vacuum is a volume of space

that contains no matter or particles,

why did someone bother to invent a cleaner for it?

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My son got straight A’s in his italics exam.

Which actually cost him quite a few marks.

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24 years ago today the doctor delivered me.

I can’t believe I’ve survived so long without a liver.

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I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.

£10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

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My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she’s more of a large.

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Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you’re interested.

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A man came up to me and said,

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

I said, “That is very annoying.”

He said, “Well I can only apologize.”

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I’m lucky, I can always count on my wife.

She wears a lot of beads.

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“What’s done cannot be undone.”

They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.

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So these two morons were making fun

of an old guy on the bus yesterday.

My friend said,

“You have to respect him, he’s a Vietnam vet.”

They just said

“What’s it to us if he helps animals in Vietnam.”

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Why did I say I’d win that giant butterfly contest?

Me and my big moth.

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I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.

Must have been a missing poster.

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My girlfriend was devastated to find out

that my friends call me

‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

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Finally for today, this ring cymbalizes so much to me.

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http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true

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I’m Planning On Being More Spontaneous In The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

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When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

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The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

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This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

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The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

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I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

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What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

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My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

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I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

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If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

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Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

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I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

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When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

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17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

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When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

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As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

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I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

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I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

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I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

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An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

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After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

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For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

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I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

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I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

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I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

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Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

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My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

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It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

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My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

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Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

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I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

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I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

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Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

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I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

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In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

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I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

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I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

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I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

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I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

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I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

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Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

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Whiteboards Are Remarkable!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What was that? Whiteboards are remarkable?

Yes, another pun day awaits below.

Enjoy!

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My New Zealand girlfriend said that

she was falling in love with my rubbish puns,

so I asked her to maori me.

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My boss said I couldn’t park my monster truck in the work car park.

So I went over her head.

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When my grandfather passed away,

I had his ashes kept in an old bottle of vodka.

I know he’s not here right now,

but he’s with me in spirit.

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Feminism is sooooo cute.

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My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.

She just couldn’t Bear it…

So she Swanned off…

And took the Kids…

Well at least I no longer have to listen to her bleating on…

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I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.

The bloke at the other end went on and on and on.

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Some say a world without sin is ideal,

but there are only so many problems which can be answered

with cos and tan.

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The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

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If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD.

If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD.

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This girl came up to me today and

said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

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How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.    

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I’m not a competitive person…

I’ll be the first to admit it.    

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Me and my friend have just been fighting

over which is the best vowel.

I won.      

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Iron man.

What a Fe male.

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Today, I walked into a restaurant.

“Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Great, take these to table six then.”

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What should you say when you see one of the toddlers

on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey?

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.

It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).  

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MAINE

• To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
• Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
• It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)

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MARYLAND

• It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
• An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
• You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
• It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
• Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)

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MASSACHUCETTS

• At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
• It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
• It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
• Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
• Quakers and witches are banned.

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MICHIGAN

• Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
• It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
• Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
• It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
• There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
• In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months. 
• A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)

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MINNESOTA

• It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
• A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
• Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
• Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
• Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)

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MISSISSIPPI

• If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
• It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
• A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)

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MISSOURI

• It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
• No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
• It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
• A milk man may not run while on duty. 
• It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.  (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
• Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)

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MONTANA

• One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
• In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
• It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
• Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
• It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
• Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)

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NEBRASKA

• If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
• Doughnut holes may not be sold.
• It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)

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NEVADA

• It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
• A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
• It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
• Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)

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NEW HAMPSHIRE

• On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
• It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
• Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
• A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)

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NEW JERSEY

• It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
• In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
• You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
• It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
• You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)

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NEW MEXICO

• Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
• Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
• It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
• Abusing a computer is a crime.
• You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.

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NEW YORK

• Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
• It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
• Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
• The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
• While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)

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NORTH CAROLINA

• It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
• In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
• Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
• While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
• Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

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NORTH DAKOTA

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
• Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
• It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
• One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
• A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.

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You’d Think It Should Be Easy, But You’d Be Wrong!

“Fight Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

One of my best friends is a farmer. Or was, he sold up a few years ago, tired of the long hours in all sorts of inclement weather. But he did it for many years and has a host of good stories about incidents that happened during that time.

He was a dairy farmer for a good part of his farming career. As a result he has a healthy respect, but also more than a little contempt for cows. In fact he says they are probably the stupidest animal he has ever come across. (He hasn’t met our dog that thinks it’s a cat yet!)

He says that a cow is probably the only animal that is stupid enough to get stuck behind a open gate. Actually I’ve seen this happen myself. If a field gate is partially open at least one of them will get between it and the hedge or fence and they don’t seem to be able to figure out how to reverse and take a new route out of the field.

If you’re having a laugh at that, good. It’s even funnier when you see it in person I assure you. But there’s something even stupider than the cow I fear. That is people, some people! Take this lady in the video below.

All she has to do is reverse her car out of the garage.

Simple?

Of course not!

Have a look (I’m not sure I would like her driving my kids around, would you?)

(Acknowledgements and thanks to Pradeep for finding this one)