I’m A Terrible Psychic – I Don’t Know About You.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The clue is always in the title.

Today is Pun Day, so brace yourself for more word play and silly jokes.

Go on, you know you love ‘em.

Enjoy or endure.

.

.

Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Corsican!

.

.

My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things.

I said, “You seamstressed.”

.

.

“Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace.

Why haven’t you read it?”

“Sorry Miss. It’s a long story.”

.

.

There was this group on Facebook called

‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’.

So I became a fan.

.

.

I invested $1000 in some American shares…..

It made a lot of cents.

.

.

I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labeled as starboard.

Something wasn’t right.

.

.

Don’t bother entering the Repairman Of The Year Award

– it’s fixed

.

.

I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.

It was a library.

.

.

Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it’s just sour grapes.

.

.

What do you have

if you have a cricket ball in one hand

and a cricket ball in the other?

A really big cricket!

.

.

I got myself a new toy – it’s a laminator.

Basically, it’s a machine that kills baby sheep.

.

.

My girlfriend left me the other day.

Accordion to her I make tune many musical puns.

.

.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist

wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says,

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

.

.

What’s the fastest way to get stoned?

Be a woman in Iran.

.

.

“The total cost would be £3000,” said the funeral director.

“That includes digging the grave.”

“Is that the whole thing?” I asked.

He replied, “Yes, that’s the hole thing.”

.

================================================

.

Clones Are People Two.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Great news today!

The September puns start here.

I know you will, but I’ll say it anyway.

Enjoy!

.

.

My son broke his Apple computer today and

had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one.

I just told him, “Apples don’t grow on trees you know!”

 

.

.

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.

I did, however, get six years in jail

for armed robbery of a gas station.

 

.

.

NBC have commissioned my new show about

what goes on inside an airplane cockpit.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

 

.

.

A man walks into a library and says

“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

 

.

.

People used to tell me being blind would

hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?

 

.

.

My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa.

Looking back, she was aslut.

 

.

.

My friend recently moved in with his girlfriend

and her massive magazine collection.

But when she refused to part with them he left her.

Apparently she had too many issues.

 

.

.

I’m not worried about the Third World War.

That’s the Third World’s Problem.

 

.

.

I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local bar.

All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

 

.

.

Some guy broke into my house last night.

Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

 

.

.

My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn’t drink, he was just bad at quizzes.

 

.

.

I recently went on a holiday to a place called Romania.

It was useless; no one was even rowing.

 

.

.

A guy I know has invented a new hobby

called “blindfold plane watching”.

Can’t see it taking off.

 

.

.

I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,

“Maybe it would be better if I put it in.”

 

.

.

My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.

“Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back.

I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?”

 

.

.

Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name,

but no-one knows his real identity.

It’s a Mr E.

 

.

.

I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment,

and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp.

That’s unthinkable!

 

.

.

I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

The man said, “Is it for a clock?”

I said, “How do I know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

 

.

.

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend

so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

 

.

.

I’ll leave you with a word of warning.

.

===========================================

.

Things Your Grand-kids Will Probably Never Know

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

We all happen to be living during a time when there are great advances and changes being made in the way we live our lives. Some of them are to our benefit, other not so much so.

Politically and financially the world is in turmoil. There is an accelerating and inevitable shift of power and influence towards the east, with former great powers like Britain and America declining in their influence and their economic might.

Perhaps that is a natural phenomenon, after all as they say “every dog has its day”, but I happen to believe that a lot of it is due to stupidity and mismanagement allied with a self-defeating philosophy that the west somehow has a duty to police the world and to create nanny states for its citizens where they will neither have to work nor want.

Technologically there have also been many changes and many more to come. During the past twenty years with the advent and growth of the internet everything has changed, from the way we interact socially, to how and where we work, and how we manage our affairs whether that be banking, shopping or whatever.

What a lot of these changes mean is that future generations will have no idea of how our lives used to be. Already many of us who have lived through the changes have forgotten how we used to have to do things. What would it be like trying to explain the ‘old days’ to a generation with absolutely no point of reference to the world we were born into?

To remind you of how it used to be here is a list of some of things we have known and lost, consigned to the rubbish bin of history. Feel free to add your own items to this list of things that your grand-kids will probably never know.

.

.

Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.

Dewey Decimal System

Finding books in a card catalog at the library.

A physical dictionary — either for spelling or definitions.

Reference books such as phone books, encyclopaedias

Finding out information from an encyclopedia.

————-

.

Having to manually unlock a car door.

Looking out the window during a long drive.

Using a road atlas to get from A to B.

Getting lost in a world without GPS.

————-

.

Being able to add and subtract without a calculator

Long division and multiplication

Trig tables and log tables.

Slide rules

————-

.

House phones

Phone books and Yellow Pages.

Rotary-dial telephones.

Pay phones.

Phones with actual bells in them.

Answering machines.

Fax machines.

Not knowing who was calling you on the phone.

————-

.

Super-8 movies and cine film of all kinds.

Betamax tapes.

Video tapes and renting movies

Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.

Laserdiscs.

8-track cartridges.

————-

.

Casette Tapes

Vinyl records. Even today’s DJs are going laptop or CD.

CDs and DVDs

Playing music on an audio tape using a personal stereo.

Taping songs off the radio

A Walkman.

————-

.

Rotary tuners that scanned the radio dial and hearing static between stations as you went through the ether.

Shortwave radio.

CB radios.

Rotary dial televisions with no remote control. You know, the ones where the kids were the remote control.

Waiting for the television-network premiere to watch a movie after its run at the theater.

————-

.

DOS.

The buzz of a dot-matrix printer

5- and 3-inch floppies, Zip Discs and countless other forms of data storage.

Booting your computer off of a floppy disk.

Tweaking the volume setting on your tape deck to get a computer game to load, and waiting ages for it to actually do it.

Counting in kilobytes.

Joysticks.

Having to delete something to make room on your hard drive.

Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something.

When a ‘geek’ and a ‘nerd’ were one and the same.

NCSA Mosaic.

Netscape

Alta Vista

Being able to get a domain name consisting of real words.

————-

.

Cash.

Writing a check.

Doing bank business only when the bank is open.

Shopping only during the day, Monday to Saturday.

Being able to buy something in Walmart that isn’t made in China

————-

.

Privacy.

Being able to take a drive or walk down the street without being surveilled on numerous cameras

Not knowing exactly what all of your friends are doing and thinking at every moment.

————-

.

Carrying on a correspondence with real letters, especially the handwritten kind.

Neat handwriting.

Spelling

Grammar

The fact that words generally don’t have num8er5 in them.

Typewriters.

————-

.

Putting film in your camera

Sending that film away to be processed.

Having physical prints of photographs come back to you.

————-

.

Vacuum cleaners with bags in them.

Ashtrays

Roller skates, as opposed to blades.

————-

.