I’m Planning On Being More Spontaneous In The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

scarecrow

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

short sleeved tops

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

dog pound

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

swings in park

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

fun funeral

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

camouflaged

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

donut_van_chase

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

tv repairman

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

phone-texting

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

Vincent van Gogh

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

medical school entrance exam

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

marriage_is_not_a_word_its_a_sentence_t_shirt

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

no dumping

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

peterborough jobs blow

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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It’s Monday, Stimulate Those Brain Cells For The Rest Of The Week!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another quiz to stimulate the brain cells for the rest of the week.

As usual a random mixture with some easy, some tricky and some rather difficult, but have a go anyhow.

The answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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Quiz 6

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Q  1:  What is the only city in the world located on two continents?

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Q  2:  A word or sentence that is the same front and back (for example, “racecar”, or “kayak”) is called a what?

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Q  3:  What is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim underwater?

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Q  4:  What famous film star appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than anyone else?

(Hint: she was also married many times!)

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Q  5:  What is the collective noun for a group of whales?

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Q  6:  What is unusual about the sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”?

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Q  7:  What famous cartoon character’s first suggested name was Mortimer?

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Q  8:  In 1819, a $5 million debt that Spain owed the USA was canceled in exchange for what?

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Q  9:  Mr. Butts invented a famous game that he originally called “Criss Cross Words.” What is it better known as today?

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Q  10:  What is hardest substance in the human body?

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Q  11:  A double question here and a point for each part.

Who launched the world’s first artificial satellite in 1957, and what was it called?

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Q  12:  What state in the USA is known as the “Land of ten thousand lakes”?

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Q  13:  And what country, with a population of approximately 5 million people, has one lake for every 26 people?

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Q  14:  What is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters?

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Q  15:  The first jet engine was invented by an Englishman in 1930, but what was his name?

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Q  16:  What country has more recreational golfers than any other?

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Q  17:  What is a newly hatched fish called?

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Q  18:  What is the literal meaning of the martial art name “Karate”?

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Q  19:  And in what country did Karate originate?

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Q  20:  And finally, you have a dime and a dollar, you buy a dog and a collar, the dog is a dollar more than the collar, how much is the collar?

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ANSWERS

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Q  1:  What is the only city in the world located on two continents?

A  1:  Istanbul, Turkey

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Q  2:  A word or sentence that is the same front and back (for example, “racecar”, or “kayak”) is called a what?

Q  2:  A “palindrome”.

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Q  3:  What is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim underwater?

A  3:  The penguin

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Q  4:  What famous film star appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than anyone else?

(Hint: she was also married many times!)

A  4:  Elizabeth Taylor

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Q  5:  What is the collective noun for a group of whales?

A  5:  A group of whales is called a pod.

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Q  6:  What is unusual about the sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”?

A  6:  It uses every letter in the alphabet and was developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications.

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Q  7:  What famous cartoon character’s first suggested name was Mortimer?

A  7:  Walt Disney had originally suggested using the name Mortimer Mouse instead of Mickey Mouse

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Q  8:  In 1819, a $5 million debt that Spain owed the USA was canceled in exchange for what?

A  8:  The purchase of Florida.

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Q  9:  Mr. Butts invented a famous game that he originally called “Criss Cross Words.” What is it better known as today?

A  9:  SCRABBLE

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Q  10:  What is hardest substance in the human body?

A  10:  Enamel.

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Q  11:  A double question here and a point for each part.

Who launched the world’s first artificial satellite in 1957, and what was it called?

A  11:  The USSR launched the world’s first artificial satellite, called “Sputnik 1”, in 1957.

(You get a point for “Sputnik” as well as “Sputnik 1”)

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Q  12:  What state in the USA is known as the “Land of ten thousand lakes”?

A  12:  Minnesota

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Q  13:  And what country, with a population of approximately 5 million people has one lake for every 26 people?

A  13:  Finland, which is also known as “the land of the thousand lakes,” even though it has around 188,000 of them

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Q  14:  What is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters?

A  14:  “Bookkeeper”

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Q  15:  The first jet engine was invented by an Englishman in 1930, but what was his name?

A  15:  His name was Frank Whittle

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Q  16:  What country has more recreational golfers than any other?

A  16:  There are more recreational golfers per capita in Canada than any other country in the world

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Q  17:  What is a newly hatched fish called?

A  17:  A newly hatched fish is called a “fry”

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Q  18:  What is the literal meaning of the martial art name “Karate”?

A  18:  The word Karate means, “empty hand.”

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Q  19:  And in what country did Karate originate?

A  19:  Karate actually originated in India, but was developed further in China

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Q  20:  And finally, you have a dime and a dollar, you buy a dog and a collar, the dog is a dollar more than the collar, how much is the collar?

A  20:  A nickel. (You have $1.10, the dog costs $1.05 and the collar $0.05)

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So how did you do?

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Don’t Join Dangerous Cults: Practice Safe Sects! – Yes, More Puns!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What could be better than a bit of sound advice mixed with a little pun?

Appearing today probably to mixed reviews, here is another of puns, bad jokes or word plays, whatever you like to call them.

Enjoy!

(BTW, the last one is a classic!)

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Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?

schizo .

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I hear that the credit crunch is even affecting fairgrounds.

My friend’s a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning.

He’s suing for funfair dismissal.

dodgems

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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

because he only recognizes the element of surprise

chuck norris cartoon

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I got a new anorexic girlfriend.

It’s not going too well.

These days, I’m seeing less and less of her.

anorexic

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I went into the hardware store yesterday.

I went up to the counter and asked the bloke for some nails.

He said, “How long do you want them?”

I said, “I want to keep ’em.”

hammer nail

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My late mother-in-law was a clairvoyant and a contortionist.

As a result she was able to foresee her own end

contortionist

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

beer beauty

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Mary Poppins said  he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

ghandi

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Could you say a gossip is someone with a sense of rumor?

gossip

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Why was the ink drop sad?

Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be!

ink drop

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My mate is addicted to brake fluid.

But he reckons he can stop at any time.

brake-Check

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When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

dream in color

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How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

HarveyJugglerCartoon

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What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillippe Flop flip flop

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It’s Thursday And That Means Another Excuse For A Few More Bad Jokes

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s Thursday and that means another excuse for a few more bad jokes in the shape of the word plays called puns.

Enjoy!

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Organ donors put their heart into it.
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Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips.
‘Are you the friar?’ he asks.
‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
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Why does the coffee taste like mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
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To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
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The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny.
He stood about all day making faces.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%,
they blame it on the cost of living.
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Cartoonist found dead in home.
Details are sketchy.
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Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
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I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
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Did you hear about the electrician who claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

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Punitive, Punishing, Or Just Punny? – Here Are Some More Puns

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Another excuse for more bad jokes using the cover of some clever word plays called puns.

Enjoy – if you can.

 

 

You didn’t hear about the three big holes in the ground?

Well, well, well.

 

 

Even a backward poet writes inverse.

 

 

It was raining cats and dogs.

There were poodles all over the road.

 

 

When chemists die, we barium.

 

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

 

 

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang,

but eventually it came back to me.

 

 

I used to have a fear of hurdles,

but I got over it.

 

 

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle,

he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

 

 

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

 

 

Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards:

their feet smell and their noses run.

 

 

Then there was the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.

 

 

When a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

 

 

Have you heard about that online origami store?

It folded.

 

 

A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period.

It marks the end of his sentence.

 

 

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends,

but what would be the point?

 

 

Atheists can’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

 

 

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

 

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