I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 in denial

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 angry feminist cartoon

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 Cartoon afraid of commitment

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 mitch-hedberg-comedian-i-havent-slept-for-ten-days-because-that-would-be-too

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 holding breath

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 metaphor

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 hand-grenades

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 Kojak

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 Dementia and Alzheimers cartoon

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 Extras

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 X Factor Logo

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

Omega watch

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

Bungalow

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

The Living Daylights

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

answering machine

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

Tampax

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

fortnight

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

DOG_LEAD

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

Rhetorical question stems

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

discarded chewing gum on sidewalk

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

drunk dog

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

the office

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

Punctuation

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

trousers kept falling down

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

Shopping for antiques

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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Last Quiz For This April.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the last quiz for this April.

A good mixture of questions this week, some very easy and few that should sort out the serious quizzers from the casual players.

As usual if you get stuck the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 10

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Q.  1:  What does the ‘Q’ in ‘Q-tips’ stand for?

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Q.  2:  How many curves are in a standard paper clip?

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Q.  3:  In which river are the 1000 islands?

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Q.  4:  The scene of a famous battle, the city of Montevideo is located at the mouth of which river?

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Q.  5:  During World War II, the largest Japanese spy ring was located where?

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Q.  6:  In which country was the “angel of the north” erected in 1998?

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Q.  7:  What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label? (A point for each.)

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Q.  8:  She was the leader of the British movement for  female suffrage and in 1903 founded the Women’s Political Union which agitated for votes for women, but died in 1928 just before full voting rights were granted. Who was she?

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Q.  9:  On the United States “Stars and Stripes” flag, is the top stripe red or white?

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Q. 10:  Which German leader was known as the ‘Iron Chancellor’?

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Q. 11:  Name the character who said, “I do wish we could chat longer but I’m having an old friend for dinner” and the movie from which it comes? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 12:  Which way do fans rotate?

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Q. 13:  England’s King Henry VIII is infamous for having six wives and for having some of them executed by beheading. But how many of the six wives lost their heads?

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Q. 14:  If ‘Lady’ is a pedigree spaniel what is the name of the mongrel?

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Q. 15:  Whose face is on a dime? 

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Q. 16:  The now famous line “Show me the money” comes from what well known movie?

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Q. 17:  Which country did Xerxes rule?

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Q. 18:  Who is missing from this list?

Sleepy,   Happy,   Sneezy,   Grumpy,   Dopey,   Doc.

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Q. 19:  Which actor in 1962 was the first to say the immortal line “The name is Bond – James Bond”  and in which movie? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 20:  Who sang about the ‘Witchita line man’?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What does the ‘Q’ in ‘Q-tips’ stand for?

A.  1:  The ‘Q’ in ‘Q-tips’ stands for ‘quality’.

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Q.  2:  How many curves are in a standard paper clip?

A.  2:  There are 3 curves on a standard paper clip. (Did you have to look?)

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Q.  3:  In which river are the 1000 islands?

A.  3:  In the St Lawrence River.

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Q.  4:  The scene of a famous battle, the city of Montevideo is located at the mouth of which river?

A.  4:  The River Plate  (Rio de la Plate).

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Q.  5:  During World War II, the largest Japanese spy ring was located where?

A.  5:  The largest Japanese spy ring during WWII was not in the U.S. but in Mexico, where it spied on the U.S. Atlantic Fleet.

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Q.  6:  In which country was the “angel of the north” erected in 1998?

A.  6:  In England.

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Q.  7:  What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label? (A point for each.)

A.  7:  Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold.

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Q.  8:  She was the leader of the British movement for  female suffrage and in 1903 founded the Women’s Political Union which agitated for votes for women, but died in 1928 just before full voting rights were granted. Who was she?

A.  8:  Emmeline Pankhurst.

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Q.  9:  On the United States “Stars and Stripes” flag, is the top stripe red or white?

A.  9:  It is Red. (Again I hope you didn’t have to look!)

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Q. 10:  Which German leader was known as the ‘Iron Chancellor’?

A. 10:  Bismarck.

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Q. 11:  Name the character who said, “I do wish we could chat longer but I’m having an old friend for dinner” and the movie from which it comes? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 11:  Hannibal Lecter said it in the Silence of the Lambs.

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Q. 12:  Which way do fans rotate?

A. 12:  Clockwise as you look at it

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Q. 13:  England’s King Henry VIII is infamous for having six wives and for having some of them executed by beheading. But how many of the six wives lost their heads?

A. 13:  Only two, people usually think it is more.

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Q. 14:  If ‘Lady’ is a pedigree spaniel what is the name of the mongrel?

A. 14:  His name is ‘Tramp’, from the animated feature ‘Lady and the Tramp’.

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Q. 15:  Whose face is on a dime?

A. 15:  US President Franklin D Roosevelt.

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Q. 16:  The now famous line “Show me the money” comes from what well known movie?

A. 16:  The movie was ‘Jerry Maguire’, starring Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr.

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Q. 17:  Which country did Xerxes rule?

A. 17:  Persia.

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Q. 18:  Who is missing from this list?

Sleepy,   Happy,   Sneezy,   Grumpy,   Dopey,   Doc. 

A. 18:  Bashful is missing, he was afraid to appear.

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Q. 19:  Which actor in 1962 was the first to say the immortal line “The name is Bond – James Bond”  and in which movie? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 19:  Sean Connery in Dr No.

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Q. 20:  Who sang about the ‘Witchita line man’?

A. 20:  Glen Campbell.

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Eleven!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another mid week batch of newspaper headline nightmares.

I hope you find at least one or two to raise a smile.

Enjoy.

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np_handjobs

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np_hansolo

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np_happy-hookers

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np_help-rape-victims

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np_holes

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np_holymilk

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np_homeless

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np_homelesssurvivewinter

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np_joint

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np_lackfunds

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np_ladyjacks

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np_girlsschool

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np_giantrats

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np_greattits

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Expect The Worst, It’s Quiz Show Answers Monday!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another foray into the hidden shallows of the human mind as shown by the answers some hapless contestants have given on television and radio quiz shows.

Marvel at the stupidity.

And enjoy!

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Q: Name something you might buy that could turn out to be phony        

A: A Horse

panto horse

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Q: Name something that dries up as it gets old  

A: Water

dry water.

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Q: The one thing that the people living near you have that you want        

A: A beautiful wife

neighborhood watch.

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Q: Name something most women wouldn’t be caught leaving the house without  

A: A Tampon

tampons-cartoon.

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Q: Name a body part that gets bigger as people get older         

A: Penis

BeavisButtheadWashington.

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Q: Name a foreign country people vacation in where it would be easy to pack on 10 pounds.      

A: Paris

french fries.

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Q: Which one of the seven dwarfs you most often feel like        

A: Weepy

A: Drowsy

A: Grouchy

The Seven Dwarfs.

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Q: Name a question you hate when people ask it to you 

A: “Are those real?”

Are Those Real?.

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Q: The hardest position to play on a baseball team        

A: Quarterback

baseball-face-cartoon-ball.

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Q: Name a city in the state of Georgia   

A: Alabama

georgia_alabama.

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Q: An excuse you use when stopped for speeding        

A: “I was drinking”

speeding.

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Q: Name something newlyweds share    

A: Underwear    

his n hers underwear.

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Q: Name something you would buy in a stationery store 

A: Water

stationery store1111

Q: Name a question that a gentleman would never ask a lady on a first date       

A: “What color underwear do you wear?”

first date.

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Q: Name a fruit beginning with the letter A         

A: Orange

cartoon-orange.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Six!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hello and welcome to part six of the series on Classified Ads that didn’t quite go according to plan. I don’t know whether any of these were successful in that they sold whatever it was they were trying to sell, but they certainly made it on  to the fasab funny pile!

Enjoy.

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classified ad 94

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classified ad 72

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classified ad 74

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classified ad 73

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classified ad 113

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classified ad 114

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classified ad 112

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classified ad 71

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classified ad 70

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classified ad 76

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classified ad 75

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classified ad 89

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classified ad 101

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classified ad 105

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