Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

A problem shared is a problem laughed at

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

egocentric

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

dad

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

75 percent

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

googling

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

walk down a hill

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

longstanding problem

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

Scottish landowner

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

gossip far too much

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

cannelloni

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

the innuendo society mug

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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You Can’t Just Be Cremated – You Have To Urn It!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like it says in the title, nothing is free these days.

Except for puns that is.

You just can’t put a price on that level of enjoyment!

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Guy #1:  “I’m stuck with one word on this crossword,

the clue is a 10 letter word, similar to being silly”

Guy #2:  “Oh, that’s ridiculous”

Guy #1:  “I know, I’ve been stuck on it for hours”.

pun crossword_puzzle

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I’ve put in so many shifts where I work recently

that they’ve decided to fire me.

Making keyboards isn’t as easy as it looks.

pun shift_key

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My sister had a baby boy and

she’s gonna name him Mark, but with a “C”.

Who ever heard of someone called “Cark”?

pun cartoon_baby

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The manager of the toy shop I work at phoned me and said:

“Steve, our stock records show that we’re missing a space hopper.

I need you to find it for me.”

I said, “Don’t worry boss, I’m on it.”

pun space-hopper

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Google Chrome

All you’ll get is a description of a metal.

pun google-chrome-metal-text-effect

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The head teacher at my school called me in to his office today.

He said, “I’ve just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?”

I replied, “No, I’m irresponsible. That’s why I threw it.”

pun Boy_Broken_Window

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Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff.

I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

pun joints

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For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll, please.

pun drum roll

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I bought a tree at the garden center that was far too big to get in the car,

so we had to cut the top off.

I didn’t really mind though,

I’ve always wanted a convertible.

pun car tree

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My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I’ve volunteered to clean bird crap off the Statue of Liberty.

pun statue of liberty

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I saw a busker with no arms today singing so badly

I offered him five bucks to stop.

But that was just another note he couldn’t hold.

pun five_dollar_bill

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I do not have an OCD over tidiness.

I just wanted to clear that up.

pun ocd

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My Korean friend was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

pun cat out of the bag

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I’m planning a camping holiday but, I have to say,

I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night,

I’ll no longer be covered.

pun stolen Tent

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What are long, hard and delicious?

Adjectives.

pun adjectives

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I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone

carry on talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

pun interrupt

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Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery

are disappointed by the results.

Which is a bit odd,

because most of them look pleasantly surprised.

pun facelift

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I was waiting in line for a club last night

and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.

pun standing in line

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Is anyone else tired,

or is it just M.E.?

pun myalgic encephalomyelitis

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My friend’s new girlfriend has been around the block a few times…

Like most women, she’s crap at parking.

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Need Your Brains Tested? Then You’ve Come To The Right Place. It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few years ago a friend of mine who was experiencing headaches was sent for a brain scan.

Later I asked him how he got on.

“They couldn’t find anything,” he replied very relieved.

“I could have told you that and saved you a lot of money,” I told him and laughed.

He never got the joke.

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But on to today’s brain test.

Another twenty easy, hard and tricky questions for you to try.

As usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating!

Best of luck.

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quiz 06

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Q.  1:  Which rabbit was the hero of some of Beatrix Potter’s stories?

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Q.  2:  In which of the arts did Vaslav Nijinsky make his mark?

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Q.  3:  Which diminutive and very young Russian gymnast was a star of the 1972 Olympics?

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Q.  4:  Which land mammal has the highest blood pressure?  (Obvious if you think about it.)

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Q.  5:  Which ‘big man’ is credited with discovering a route through the Cumberland Pass in frontier America?

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Q.  6:  What kind of electricity can be produced by combing your hair?

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Q.  7:  The sound of screaming demons leaving Regan’s body in the movie ‘The Exorcist’ is actually a recording of what?

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Q.  8:  Yachting, which country held the Americas Cup from 1932 till 1983?

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Q.  9:  1981 saw the abolition of which means of execution in France?

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Q. 10:  Who is the only man to have won the  SAME  Grand Slam singles title in tennis on three different surfaces?

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Q. 11:  Which drink is named after those who once owned large tracks of land in the eastern part of North America?

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Q. 12:  According to Plato, what was found just beyond the Pillars of Hercules?

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Q. 13:  Which heavenly fortified dessert wine is one of, if not the oldest wine from California?

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Q. 14:  What was the name given to the first nuclear test in the USA on the 16th of July 1945?

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Q. 15:  In the movie industry, which name is given to an ordinary on set helper?

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Q. 16:  What is the S shaped sound hole in a violin called?

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Q. 17:  Which word used to describe someone who is skillful means, when translated, ‘to the right’?

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Q. 18:  Which world famous landmark is found on Mount Lee?

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Q. 19:  If you were awarded 10 points in the UK for using it but only 1 point in Poland, what would you be doing?

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Q. 20:  Which infamous cleaning term was coined by US journalist Edward Hunter in the early 1950s?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Which rabbit was the hero of some of Beatrix Potter’s stories?

A.  1:  Peter Rabbit.

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Q.  2:  In which of the arts did Vaslav Nijinsky make his mark?

A.  2:  Ballet.

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Q.  3:  Which diminutive and very young Russian gymnast was a star of the 1972 Olympics?

A.  3:  Olga Korbut.

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Q.  4:  Which land mammal has the highest blood pressure?  (Obvious if you think about it.)

A.  4:  The giraffe.

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Q.  5:  Which ‘big man’ is credited with discovering a route through the Cumberland Pass in frontier America?

A.  5:  Daniel Boone.

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Q.  6:  What kind of electricity can be produced by combing your hair?

A.  6:  Static electricity.

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Q.  7:  The sound of screaming demons leaving Regan’s body in the movie ‘The Exorcist’ is actually a recording of what?

A.  7:  A pig or pigs being led to the slaughter.

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Q.  8:  Yachting, which country held the Americas Cup from 1932 till 1983?

A.  8:  The USA.

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Q.  9:  1981 saw the abolition of which means of execution in France?

A.  9:  Guillotine.

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Q. 10:  Who is the only man to have won the  SAME  Grand Slam singles title in tennis on three different surfaces?

A. 10:  Jimmy Conners won the US Open title on grass, on clay and on hard court.

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Q. 11:  Which drink is named after those who once owned large tracks of land in the eastern part of North America?

A. 11:  Bourbon. (After the house of Bourbon royal family).

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Q. 12:  According to Plato, what was found just beyond the Pillars of Hercules?

A. 12:  Atlantis.

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Q. 13:  Which heavenly fortified dessert wine is one of, if not the oldest wine from California?

A. 13:  Angelica.

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Q. 14:  What was the name given to the first nuclear test in the USA on the 16th of July 1945?

A. 14:  Trinity.

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Q. 15:  In the movie industry, which name is given to an ordinary on set helper?

A. 15:  A ‘Grip’. (You’ll see them mentioned in every movie credit.)

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Q. 16:  What is the ‘S’ shaped sound hole in a violin called?

A. 16:  It is called the ‘f-hole’.

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Q. 17:  Which word used to describe someone who is skillful means, when translated, ‘to the right’?

A. 17:  Adroit.

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Q. 18:  Which world famous landmark is found on Mount Lee?

A. 18:  The Hollywood Sign.

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Q. 19:  If you were awarded 10 points in the UK for using it but only 1 point in Poland, what would you be doing?

A. 19:  Playing Scrabble. It is the different values given to the letter ‘Z’ for obvious reasons.

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Q. 20:  Which infamous cleaning term was coined by US journalist Edward Hunter in the early 1950s?

A. 20:  Brainwashing. (During the Korean War)

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We’ll Call Today ‘Sneaky Sunday’

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Why is today Sneaky Sunday?

Because this Sunday there is a test for you. They’re no good unless they sneak up on you by surprise. This way there’s no time get a sick note or prepare another excuse.

Some of the questions are easy, some of them are hard, some of them are tricky, and some are a combination of one or more of the above.

So sharpen your pencils and whatever else you need to do and begin when you are ready.

(As usual the answers are waaaaaaaay down below, but no cheating!)

Enjoy!

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Q 1: Launched on February 1, 1958 what was the name of the first American satellite in orbit?

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Q 2: Most people know what a bibliophile is, but what is a bibliopole?

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Q 3: Train ‘A’ leaves from New York City heading toward Los Angeles at 100 mph. Three hours later, train ‘B’ leaves from Los Angeles heading toward New York City at 200 mph. Assume there is exactly 2,000 miles between Los Angeles and New York City. When they meet, which train is closer to New York City?

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Q 4: There is the only royal palace in the United States of America – where is it?

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Q 5: What sort of paper are US dollar bills made out of?

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Q 6: What does the ZIP in “ZIP code” mean?

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Q 7: Nowadays they go for tens of millions of dollars each, but how many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh sell during his entire life?

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Q 8: A certain five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it. What is the word?

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Q 9: What is the only planet in our solar system that rotates clockwise?

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Q 10: What is a rhinoceros horn made of?

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Q 11: Name an English word that ends in “mt”

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Q 12: What was the first novel ever written on a typewriter?

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Q 13: If an electric train is traveling northwest at 95 miles per hour, and the wind is blowing southwest at 95 miles per hour, in which direction does the smoke blow?

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Q 14: Who was the first U.S. President to be born in a hospital?

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Q 15: How long would you have to hold your breath before you kill yourself?

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Q 16: What are the six official languages of the U.N.?

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Q 17: “Big Ben” in London, England is what?

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Q 18: There are 10 human body parts that are only 3 letters long. What are they? (And you know them all)

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Q 19: Who is Robert Zimmerman?

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Q 20: While on my way to St. Ives,  I met a man with seven wives.  Each wife had seven sacks;  Each sack had seven cats;  Each cat had seven kittens.  Kittens, cats, sacks, wives;  How many were going to St. Ives?

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ANSWERS

Q 1: Launched on February 1, 1958 what was the name of the first American satellite in orbit?

Explorer

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Q 2: Most people know what a bibliophile is, but what is a bibliopole?

A bibliophile is a collector of rare books, and a bibliopole is a seller of rare books.

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Q 3: Train ‘A’ leaves from New York City heading toward Los Angeles at 100 mph. Three hours later, train ‘B’ leaves from Los Angeles heading toward New York City at 200 mph. Assume there is exactly 2,000 miles between Los Angeles and New York City. When they meet, which train is closer to New York City?

Two answers are allowed to this one, either

When they meet, they’re both exactly the same distance from New York City.

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if you consider “meeting” to be nose to nose, the one that left from New York City is closer to New York City by a train length.

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Q 4: There is the only royal palace in the United States of America – where is it?

Honolulu, Hawai

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Q 5: What sort of paper are US dollar bills made out of?

US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.

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Q 6: What does the ZIP in “ZIP code” mean?

Zoning Improvement Plan.

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Q 7: Nowadays they go for tens of millions of dollars each, but how many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh sell during his entire life?

Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting during his lifetime, “Red Vineyard at Arles”.

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Q 8: A certain five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it. What is the word?

Short

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Q 9: What is the only planet in our solar system that rotates clockwise?

Venus

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Q 10: What is a rhinoceros horn made of?

Compacted hair

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Q 11: Name an English word that ends in “mt”

Dreamt

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Q 12: What was the first novel ever written on a typewriter?

Tom Sawyer

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Q 13: If an electric train is traveling northwest at 95 miles per hour, and the wind is blowing southwest at 95 miles per hour, in which direction does the smoke blow?

Smoke? It’s an electric train, there ain’t no smoke!

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Q 14: Who was the first U.S. President to be born in a hospital?

Jimmy Carter

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Q 15: How long would you have to hold your breath before you kill yourself?

You cannot kill yourself by holding your breath, with the best will in the world, even if you held you breath long enough to pass out your body reflex would then take over and you would start to breathe again involuntarily

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Q 16: What are the six official languages of the U.N.?

English, French, Spanish, Russian, Chinese and Arabic

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Q 17: “Big Ben” in London, England is what?

Many people mistakenly think it is a clock. Actually, it’s the bell.

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Q 18: There are 10 human body parts that are only 3 letters long. What are they? (And you know them all)

Eye, hip, arm, leg, ear, toe, jaw, rib, lip, gum.

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Q 19: Who is Robert Zimmerman?

Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman

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Q 20: While on my way to St. Ives,  I met a man with seven wives.  Each wife had seven sacks;  Each sack had seven cats;  Each cat had seven kittens.  Kittens, cats, sacks, wives;  How many were going to St. Ives?

Read it again, it was only you who was going to St Ives, so the answer is one

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Did ya do good???