I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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