I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 in denial

.

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 angry feminist cartoon

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 Cartoon afraid of commitment

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 mitch-hedberg-comedian-i-havent-slept-for-ten-days-because-that-would-be-too

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 holding breath

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 metaphor

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 hand-grenades

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 Kojak

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 Dementia and Alzheimers cartoon

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 Extras

.

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 X Factor Logo

.

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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I Love Grandfather Clocks. Big Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I love puns as well.

So brace yourselves for another selection of word plays.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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It pains me to say it,

but I have a sore throat

 sore throat

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There was a knock at the door this morning,

so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, “I’d better let this sink in.”

 sink

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For the record I bought

a vinyl cleaning machine

 record

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Having just punched a midget selling watches,

I know I’ve hit an all time low.

 watches

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Are there any fat people in Finland?

 fat people in Finland

.

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Have you ever wondered what the

word for ‘dot’ looks like in braille?

 braille

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My girlfriend broke up with me

because of my obsession with puzzles.

There were a lot of cross words

 crossword

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I can’t undo wrongs.

But I can write them.

 write

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A friend dared me to steal a

flat-bottomed boat from the river.

I thought, “Why not. I’ll take a punt.”

 punt

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Everyone loved the baker.

He had a massive flan base.

 massive flan

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I don’t regard being a toastmaster a job,

it’s more a calling.

 toastmaster

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The ten largest baseball stadiums hold

between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

 baseball stadium

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My girlfriend asked me what I’d do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, “Do you mean it would be pointless?”

I said, “No, I’d just go out and buy another one.”

 breaking a pencil

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I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.

They scare the crap out of me.

ghost-shaped laxative

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I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

good one

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I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

stuffed animals in museum

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Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

disposable cameras.

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My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

man pointing

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My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

boy with foorball

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Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

Cadbury's

.

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I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

tiny model of buddha

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Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

skype_logo

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The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

je ne sais quoi

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My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

optimism

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My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

new wardrobe

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I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

dirty weekend

.

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I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

water trapped in my ears

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If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

Bisexual!

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What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

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Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

fishing for compliments

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I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

tent--colored-cartoon-illustration

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I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

ventriloquist's dummy

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I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

Taser-Gun

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I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

endowment

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I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

X and Y chromosomes

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Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

grumpy dwarf

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When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

cctv4

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I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

one eyed alien

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My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

scared-dog

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I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

hugh grant

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I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

judge-with-gavel

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My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

pool break

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil

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I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

shower-cartoon

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A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

phew

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

thesaurus

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I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

colonic-irrigation

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I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

incontinence hot line

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What do Mexican Robots Eat?

Silicon-Carne

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

ghost-towel

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

huile-d-olive

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

gym cartoon

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

half indian

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

cleavage

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

Transformer

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

BeerBetter

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

air and space museum

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

school desk

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

cartoon-numbers-set

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

booby_traps_by_vmv_81-d3ickn1

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

Norton

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

dictionary

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

sax_and_violins

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

drunk

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

albert_einstein_328565

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

thyme

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

metric-system-copyright-Allan-Inman

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

motherboard

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

pasta

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Jobs Blow For Sex Workers

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Thought it was safe?

Sorry, pun day again folks.

Enjoy!

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Deja Moo:

The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

deja-moo

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I’m not a complete idiot

Some parts are just missing.

I'm not a complete idiot

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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

gene pool could use a little chlorine

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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Old Coots Hangover The Wrath Of Grapes

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

“A beer please, and one for the road.”

One-for-the-road

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Did you hear about the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

a little behind in his work

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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg,

but broke it off.

boyfriend with a wooden leg

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Without geometry, life is pointless.

without geometry

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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Baker_Kneading_Dough

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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

blanket-blanket-factory-folded-pun

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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

cartoon_condom

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Dockyard:

A physician’s garden.

physician's garden

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A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs.

In fact he was stumped.

amputated his arms

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A man wakes up on a deserted island

only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple.

He cried: “Oh no, I’ve been marooned!”

marooned

.

Men need to stop telling jokes about women’s menstrual cycle!

Period.

women's menstrual cycle

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My girlfriend said that she’s leaving me,

because of my constant grass related puns.

I told her to sod off.

sod

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My wife gave me a lecture about

my obsession with mythical creature puns.

It didn’t half Dragon.

dragon

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A nine-year-old lad walks into a pub and yells at the barmaid for a Scotch on the rocks.

‘Do you want to get me into trouble?’ she replies.

‘Maybe later,’ says the boy, ‘but now I just want a drink’.

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Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What would Thursdays be without a few puns?

Well, yes, okay it would still be Thursday, but a lot less enjoyable.

So what are you waiting for?

I’m sure you are already salivating at the prospect.

Enjoy!

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My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

I knew I was destined for osteology.

I could feel it in my bones.

dancing-skeleton-clipart

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There’s been a break in at a local puzzle factory.

Authorities are still trying to piece things together.

puzzle factory logo

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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

dead-batteries-batteries-free-of-charge-pun

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The hardest time in a man’s life

is between puberty and impotence.

puberty-impotence

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I used to think I was trapped in a woman’s body…

Then I was born.

crying-baby-cartoon

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Never hit a man with glasses.

Hit him with a baseball bat.

baseball bat

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I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.

I never really got along with my real ladder.

step ladder

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My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.

He doesn’t talk about it, though.

gagged

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Some people like Pachyderms.

But I find them irrelephant

Pachyderm

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My wife left me because of my obsession with sporting puns.

its a shame really because i wanted to discus it.

discus

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I went to the dentist the other day and he told me that he was sick of hearing puns about his job.

So I told him ‘I had a filling you were going to say that’

I had a filling

.

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I would prefer it if there were Fuhrer puns about the Nazis, thanks very much.

invasion pun

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Did you hear about the transvestite blues singer?

He woke up one morning and he had the blouse.

the-blues-singer

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I hate when people try to use the word infinity just to be clever.

It annoys me to no end.

infinity

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