People Who Have Bluetooth Handsets Need A Clip Round The Ear.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m tempted to say that you need a clip round the ear if you don’t like puns, but I know you do.

Why else would you be here?

Unless it’s for pun-ishment.

Enjoy or endure!!

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Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they always focus on the negatives.

 

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I bought a flea circus yesterday,

but one of them won’t go on the high wire.

It’s a nervous tick.

 

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I played in a football match

that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

 

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I don’t mind doing crosswords,

but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

 

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What do you call it when a prisoner

falls from the top of a building?

Condescending.

 

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I invented the upside down house.

It’s now a top cellar.

 

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To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

 

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Support your local

search and rescue squad.

Get lost

 

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Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

Revenge!

The road had crossed him the week before.

 

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My uncle slipped on some beans last week.

If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

 

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I took my dog to a car showroom today.

I turned to him and said,

“They have an interesting Range Rover.”

 

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If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

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To Be Fair, It Needs To Stop Raining.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But of course sometimes life isn’t fair.

Sometimes it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Tink my postmn is a thif

My leters keep gong misin

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I asked a French bloke

if he played video games.

He said Wii.

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Chickens don’t have friends.

They only have pen pals.

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I was sent on an anger management course.

Apparently it’s all the rage.

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Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before

letting his girlfriend use his computer

….wookie error

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My brother takes part in a weather

predicting contest every month.

He’s the raining champion.

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I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl…

She never looked forward to anything.

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There was a knock at the front door.

My wife answered it and said to me

”there’s a man at the door with a bald head’‘.

I said ‘‘tell him to get lost, I’ve already got one’‘

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I’m directing a cowboy movie called ‘The Sun’.

It’s set in the west.

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My wife just spent $100 getting a bikini wax.

What a flipping rip off.

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Is anyone here called Allen?

I think I found your keys

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I’m an alcoholic and have frittered the best 

years of my life away looking at the world

through the bottom of a glass.

All I ask for is another shot.

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There’s a certain stigma attached

to reproduction organs,

especially in flowers.

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Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu,

wanted to illegally live in America.

The brothers decide to change

their names to seem more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu got sent back to China.

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I went to a Motown reunion last night and

promised myself I wouldn’t suck up to any of the artists…

But The Temptations were there.

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I Never Question Myself. Why Should I Start Now?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

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I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

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My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

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I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

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My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

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Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

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I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

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My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

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I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

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I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

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My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

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My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

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I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

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My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

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Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

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Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

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