To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 birdie

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 haircuts

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 file cabinet

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 watermelons

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 mixed metaphors

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 mother clipart

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 Spanish Inquisition Monty Python

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 cocktails

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 Paramount_Pictures_print_logo_(1968)

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 crossword compiler

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 pen name

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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Who needs rhetorical questions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It a bit like asking, who needs Puns when you know everybody does!

And here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Apparently most people lean slightly

forward when they nod their head.

I must say I’m inclined to agree.

 nodding head yes

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Where do people from Senegal drive?

In Dakar

 Dakar

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Someone just threw a bottle

of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don’t worry, I only suffered

super fish oil injuries.

 Omega 3 pills

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Skydiving without a parachute is

a once in a lifetime experience.

 Skydiving without a parachute

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Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

 Past, Present and Future

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I work as a waiter.

The pay isn’t great

but I put food on the table.

 waiter

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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 someone who points out the obvious

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Passport Inspectors:

You’ve got to hand it to them

 Passport Inspector

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My ex-wife was deaf.

She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest,

I should have seen the signs.

 deaf

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When I was little I had imaginary friends

and I used to play with them all the time.

They were real people,

I just imagined they were my friends.

 imaginary friends

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Coke dealers.

Always sticking their business

in other people’s noses.

 Coke dealers

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The Beach Boys walk into a bar

“Round?”

“Round?”

“Get a round”

“I get a round?”

“Get a round….”

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China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 two silk worms had a race

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If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 belt made of watches

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I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 logarithms brand of laxative

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 mirror

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A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 maze

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I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 mustered mustard

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I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 National Nudity Day

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My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

cut himself with a razor shaving

 

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My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 Scrabble

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A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 eraser at both ends of a pencil

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A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 flaming g

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My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 clipart comedian

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What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 query

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My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 a true story

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Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

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Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Tsk, tsk indeed. What a terrible thing to do.

But what is also terrible, and the more terrible the better it seems, are puns.

It’s word play day.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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When it comes to making money,

I’ve got to hand it to my wife.

All of it.

cartoon handing money to wife

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Apprehended:

The new App that reminds

you your hen is dead.

Apprehended

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I had an argument with my neighbor

about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch

it only made matters worse.

trees growing over fence

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I went into a bar and said to the guy serving,

‘How much is a pint of lager?’

He replied,

‘Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.’

pint v milliliters

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My identical twin was hit by a bus last year.

He’s not been the same since.

twins

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I got lost on my first day of college,

which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither I nor she knew

what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes,

I knew that we had chemistry.

chemistry

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I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew.

It was pretty weak so my friend offered me ten bucks 

if I could drink the lot in one session…

I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

homebrew_equipment

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I live for my alarm clock collection,

it’s the only reason I get up in the morning.

alarm clock collection

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I just fired my limousine driver.

I don’t know why,

because I have nothing to chauffeur it.

limousine driver

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Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant

called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

takeaways

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My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked,

“Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.

cheese

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I bought some really odd shaped eggs

but now i can’t find them.

I think they’ve been mislaid.

odd shaped eggs

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Me and my girl plan to recreate every position

from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.

The excitement is building.

Kama Sutra Lego bricks

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I asked my son what his sexuality was.

He replied ”bi”.

Ironically, his answer forced me

to say the exact same thing.

bye

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Eminem goes to check the weather

It’s rainy and gray outside

He goes back to watch TV

Checks weather back in 10 minutes

Still shady

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Apparently 5/3rds Of People Can’t Do Fractions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

Bittersweet Symphony

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

GG

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

crane

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

clam-thumb-460x260

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

fissure in cliff face

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

cartoon-postman-running-away-from-a-dog-he-is-dropping-his-letters

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

first grey hair

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

roadshow2

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

paranoid

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

old man cartoon

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

match and cigarette lighter

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

cartoon scientist

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

hard at work

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

midget

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

mom-daughter-cartoon

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Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

psyneaky

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

plaice

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

the_vegetarian_butcher

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

TeflonVelcro

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

googling_cartoon

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

xerox-cards

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

broken-heart-icon

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

cartoon-brain-1

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

gold-nugget-smiling

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

contortionist

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

polling-cartoon

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

doorbell

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

Woman wrapping paper

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

bond-martini_header

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

wolverine

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Cheers! It’s The End For Cliff Clavin!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I know Cliff Clavin, the Cheers character played by John Ratzenberger for many years, was only a pretend mailman but if Jeff Bezos gets his way – and he usually does – then mailmen will have a lot less to do.

Cliff_Clavin_in_Cheers

Cliff used to drone on in Cheers and bore everyone in the bar, but in the future jobs like his are to be taken over by drones.

The military applications are well known, but instead of delivering a few pounds of high explosives to an unsuspecting terrorist, drone technology, which was legalized for commercial use last year (2012), is being developed by Bezos and his team to deliver Amazon products by air right to your front door in about 30 minutes.

We’re entering the realms of science fiction here. And if it were anyone else but Bezos you might be forgiven for dismissing the idea. But he thinks big, and thanks to the success of Amazon he has the big bucks to make it happen.

Amazon Prime Air drone

If it is real and it does happen, personally I think its great! An application for this technology other than the usual powers-that-be crap of using it to kill and spy on us.

Amazon says that, “From a technology point of view, we’ll be ready to enter commercial operations as soon as the necessary regulations are in place.”

The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) is working on rules for unmanned aerial vehicles. They’ll take their time as always, but eventually it will happen.

So in a few years time seeing Amazon drones in the air may well be as normal as seeing mail trucks on the road today.

Here’s a taste of the future for you.                                           

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