To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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Who needs rhetorical questions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It a bit like asking, who needs Puns when you know everybody does!

And here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!

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Apparently most people lean slightly

forward when they nod their head.

I must say I’m inclined to agree.

 

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Where do people from Senegal drive?

In Dakar

 

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Someone just threw a bottle

of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don’t worry, I only suffered

super fish oil injuries.

 

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Skydiving without a parachute is

a once in a lifetime experience.

 

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Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

 

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I work as a waiter.

The pay isn’t great

but I put food on the table.

 

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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 

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Passport Inspectors:

You’ve got to hand it to them

 

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My ex-wife was deaf.

She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest,

I should have seen the signs.

 

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When I was little I had imaginary friends

and I used to play with them all the time.

They were real people,

I just imagined they were my friends.

 

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Coke dealers.

Always sticking their business

in other people’s noses.

 

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The Beach Boys walk into a bar

“Round?”

“Round?”

“Get a round”

“I get a round?”

“Get a round….”

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China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 

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If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 

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I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 

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A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 

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I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 

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I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 

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My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

 

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My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 

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A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 

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A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 

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My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 

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What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 

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My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 

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Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

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Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Tsk, tsk indeed. What a terrible thing to do.

But what is also terrible, and the more terrible the better it seems, are puns.

It’s word play day.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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When it comes to making money,

I’ve got to hand it to my wife.

All of it.

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Apprehended:

The new App that reminds

you your hen is dead.

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I had an argument with my neighbor

about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch

it only made matters worse.

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I went into a bar and said to the guy serving,

‘How much is a pint of lager?’

He replied,

‘Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.’

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My identical twin was hit by a bus last year.

He’s not been the same since.

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I got lost on my first day of college,

which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither I nor she knew

what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes,

I knew that we had chemistry.

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I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew.

It was pretty weak so my friend offered me ten bucks 

if I could drink the lot in one session…

I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

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I live for my alarm clock collection,

it’s the only reason I get up in the morning.

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I just fired my limousine driver.

I don’t know why,

because I have nothing to chauffeur it.

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Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant

called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

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My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked,

“Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.

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I bought some really odd shaped eggs

but now i can’t find them.

I think they’ve been mislaid.

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Me and my girl plan to recreate every position

from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.

The excitement is building.

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I asked my son what his sexuality was.

He replied ”bi”.

Ironically, his answer forced me

to say the exact same thing.

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Eminem goes to check the weather

It’s rainy and gray outside

He goes back to watch TV

Checks weather back in 10 minutes

Still shady

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Apparently 5/3rds Of People Can’t Do Fractions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

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Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

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Cheers! It’s The End For Cliff Clavin!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I know Cliff Clavin, the Cheers character played by John Ratzenberger for many years, was only a pretend mailman but if Jeff Bezos gets his way – and he usually does – then mailmen will have a lot less to do.

Cliff used to drone on in Cheers and bore everyone in the bar, but in the future jobs like his are to be taken over by drones.

The military applications are well known, but instead of delivering a few pounds of high explosives to an unsuspecting terrorist, drone technology, which was legalized for commercial use last year (2012), is being developed by Bezos and his team to deliver Amazon products by air right to your front door in about 30 minutes.

We’re entering the realms of science fiction here. And if it were anyone else but Bezos you might be forgiven for dismissing the idea. But he thinks big, and thanks to the success of Amazon he has the big bucks to make it happen.

If it is real and it does happen, personally I think its great! An application for this technology other than the usual powers-that-be crap of using it to kill and spy on us.

Amazon says that, “From a technology point of view, we’ll be ready to enter commercial operations as soon as the necessary regulations are in place.”

The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) is working on rules for unmanned aerial vehicles. They’ll take their time as always, but eventually it will happen.

So in a few years time seeing Amazon drones in the air may well be as normal as seeing mail trucks on the road today.

Here’s a taste of the future for you.                                           

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Do You Know What Day It Is?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you do know what day it is then you’re off to a good start.

Yes, today is Quiz Day. No points for that answer, but lots to be had below.

And as usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating, please!

Let’s get started.

Enjoy.

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Q.  1:  What was the name of the blind Benedictine monk who allegedly invented Champagne?

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Q.  2:  Which cartoon dog spars with Tom and Jerry?

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Q.  3:  What was the first war in which jet airplanes fought each other?

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Q.  4:  Who first played James Bond in the cinema?

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Q.  5:  Which civilization built Machu Picchu?

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Q.  6:  The small Russian buckwheat pancakes that are often served with caviar are called what?

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Q.  7:  What is a part of the digestive system and the currency in Costa Rica?

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Q.  8:  In which 1964 movie did Clint Eastwood play ‘The Man With No Name’?

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Q.  9:  Who played the title role in the TV series Cannon?

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Q. 10:  Parker and Barrow were the surnames, what were the Christian names?

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Q. 11:  Louisette was the original name for a famous decollator. What is the more common name for this device?

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Q. 12:  Which bird is said to embody the souls of dead mariners?

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Q. 13:  Which Japanese city was devastated by an earthquake on January 18th, 1995?

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Q. 14:  Which famous horror movie takes place in the sleepy little coastal town Bodega Bay?

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Q. 15:  Which detective character used the catch-phrase “Book ‘um Danno”?

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Q. 16:  Plus or minus 1, how many centimeters in height does a woman lose (on average) between her 40th and 70th birthday?

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Q. 17:  Who was famously assassinated with an Ice Pick in Mexico?

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Q. 18:  What was codename of Bob Woodward’s Watergate contact?

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Q. 19:  In which city would you find the bar Cheers?

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Q. 20:  Which astronomical occurrence popularized in a song title never occurs in February? (2 words)

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What was the name of the blind Benedictine monk who allegedly invented Champagne?

A.  1:  Dom Perignon

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Q.  2:  Which cartoon dog spars with Tom and Jerry?

A.  2:  Spike

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Q.  3:  What was the first war in which jet airplanes fought each other?

A.  3:  The Korean war

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Q.  4:  Who first played James Bond in the cinema?

A.  4:  Sean Connery

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Q.  5:  Which civilization built Machu Picchu?

A.  5:  The Incas

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Q.  6:  The small Russian buckwheat pancakes that are often served with caviar are called what?

A.  6:  Blini

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Q.  7:  What is a part of the digestive system and the currency in Costa Rica?

A.  7:  Colon

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Q.  8:  In which 1964 movie did Clint Eastwood play ‘The Man With No Name’?

A.  8:  A Fistful Of Dollars

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Q.  9:  Who played the title role in the TV series Cannon?

A.  9:  William Conrad

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Q. 10:  Parker and Barrow were the surnames, what were the Christian names?

A. 10:  Bonnie and Clyde.

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Q. 11:  Louisette was the original name for a famous decollator. What is the more common name for this device?

A. 11:  Guillotine

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Q. 12:  Which bird is said to embody the souls of dead mariners?

A. 12:  Albatross

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Q. 13:  Which Japanese city was devastated by an earthquake on January 18th, 1995?

A. 13:  Kobe

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Q. 14:  Which famous horror movie takes place in the sleepy little coastal town Bodega Bay?

A. 14:  The Birds

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Q. 15:  Which detective character used the catch-phrase “Book ‘um Danno”?

A. 15:  Steve McGarrett – Hawaii Five-O

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Q. 16:  Plus or minus 1, how many centimeters in height does a woman lose (on average) between her 40th and 70th birthday?

A. 16:  5 cm.   (3 cm. for men)

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Q. 17:  Who was famously assassinated with an Ice Pick in Mexico?

A. 17:  Trotsky

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Q. 18:  What was codename of Bob Woodward’s Watergate contact?

A. 18:  Deep Throat

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Q. 19:  In which city would you find the bar Cheers?

A. 19:  Boston

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Q. 20:  Which astronomical occurrence popularized in a song title never occurs in February? (2 words)

A. 20:   Blue Moon 

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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Blunt Knives Are Pointless

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

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When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

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I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

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I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

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One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

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73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

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The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

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I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

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The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

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Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

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Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

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