To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 birdie

.

.

Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 haircuts

.

.

I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 file cabinet

.

.

Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 watermelons

.

.

I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 mixed metaphors

.

.

I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 mother clipart

.

.

Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 Spanish Inquisition Monty Python

.

.

Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 cocktails

.

.

I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 Paramount_Pictures_print_logo_(1968)

.

.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 crossword compiler

.

.

My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 pen name

.

.

Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

.

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BREAKING NEWS: Man In Boxers Leads Police On A Brief Chase!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If the title didn’t give you a clue, it’s Pun Day again.

Some more word play to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

.

Reports that suggest

Little Miss Muffet

has contracted food poisoning

have been described as

“Whey off”.

Little Miss Muffet

.

.

I went to the cinema last night

and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

grated cheese

.

.

What do my wife and a

drone have in common?

The noise.

mick-stevens-oh-no-my-wife-s-drone-new-yorker-cartoon

.

.

Most car designs start off as

a sketch on a piece of paper.

Like the Audi A4.

Audi A4

.

.

I’m waiting to hear if I’ve got a place in

the World Hyperventilating Championship.

I won’t be holding my breath.

World Hyperventilating Championship

.

.

Apparently the government has a database

containing the details of every single

animal attack on humans.

Wonder how big it is,

probably many terror bites.

terror bites

.

.

The girl in the shop told me

she didn’t have any 7UP.

But she’s just saying that

out of sprite.

sprite-7up

.

.

I’m writing a book

about patriarchal societies.

It’s going to be called

“It’s Reigning Men”.

It's Reigning Men

.

.

I’m known for being a really good chef.

I bring a lot to the table.

really good chef

.

.

ISIS.

Always in crisis.

crisis

.

.

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe

walk into a bar.

The barman says,

“I’m serving Narnia!”

Narnia

.

.

I saw an extremely fat frog that

was having trouble bending its legs.

It was probably roomy-toad arthritis.

roomy-toad arthritis

.

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Help, I am looking for my father,

I was raised by my mother and

all she told me was he’s Italian,

works in a clinic,

and goes by the name ‘Invitro’?

Invitro

.

.

My friend gets his Viagra

delivered by chartered air freight.

He’s a Very Impotent Person.

Very Impotent Person

.

.

I couldn’t get tickets for the Plan B concert.

So I had to go with my first choice instead.

.

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=================================

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The Final Fabulous Fasab Fact Day – For April, That Is!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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April is drawing to a close, but not before another selection of fabulous fasab facts.

Here’s the latest random bunch to improve your knowledge.

Hope you enjoy.

.

did you know1

.

There are more possible iterations of a game of chess

than there are atoms in the known universe.

chessboard

.

.

Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs sacrificed money

and stayed in college four extra years

instead of going directly to the NBA

because in her last days his dying mother made

him promise to graduate college with a degree.

(Good on you Tim!)

Four-time-NBA-Champion-Tim-Duncan

.

.

England’s King George I

was actually German.

King George I

.

.

A study conducted by Swiss University

showed that stockbrokers

are more reckless and manipulative

than diagnosed psychopaths.

stockbrokers

.

.

In his youth, Andrew Johnson apprenticed as a tailor.

Even as president, he never stopped making his own suits.

Andrew Johnson

.

.

There is a point in the middle of Chile’s Atacama Desert

where rain has never been recorded.

Scientists call this region “absolute desert”.

Atacama-Desert-Chile

.

.

Lord Byron kept a pet bear

in his college dorm room.

Lord Byron

.

.

If you eat a polar bear liver, you will die.

Humans can’t handle that much vitamin A.

polar bear

.

.

Dead people can get goosebumps.

goosebumps

.

.

Kim Jong Il wrote six operas.

Kim Jong Il

.

.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,

but our nose and ears never stop growing.

BigearsObama

.

.

The top layer of a wedding cake,

known as the groom’s cake,

traditionally is a fruit cake.

That way it will save until the first anniversary.

top layer of a wedding cake

.

.

Princeton researchers successfully turned a live cat

into a functioning telephone in 1929.

cat telephone

.

.

The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2,

should always be written as QE2.

QEII is the actual Queen.

RMS_Queen_Elizabeth_2_in_Trondheim_2008

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.

If you do not have a child,

you will be the first in your direct lineage,

all the way back to beginnings of human history,

to do so (or not, as the case may be!)

having a child

.

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Apparently 5/3rds Of People Can’t Do Fractions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

Bittersweet Symphony

.

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

GG

.

.

My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

crane

.

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

clam-thumb-460x260

.

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

fissure in cliff face

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

cartoon-postman-running-away-from-a-dog-he-is-dropping-his-letters

.

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

first grey hair

.

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

roadshow2

.

.

My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

paranoid

.

.

An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

old man cartoon

.

.

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

match and cigarette lighter

.

.

Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

cartoon scientist

.

.

My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

hard at work

.

.

My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

midget

.

.

So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

mom-daughter-cartoon

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Yesterday The Super Bowl – Today The Super Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

First of all congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks who won their first Super Bowl by crushing the Denver Broncos 43-8, in a rather one-sided game yesterday.

Today it’s the super quiz and this won’t be so easy.

Yes, another random selection of questions, a lot of which will set you a challenge I think.

As usual if you get stuck the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  Who won a best actor Oscar for his portrayal of an anthropophagus?

.

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Q.  2:  The Komodo dragon takes its name from as island in which country?

.

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Q.  3:  Which car company built the classic ‘1962 250 GT Berlinetta Boxer’ automobile?

.

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Q.  4:  Name the country from which the soup ‘Gazpacho’ originated?

.

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Q.  5:  Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Miss Felicity Lemon’?

.

.

Q.  6:  In which famous movie would you find  a robot called ‘Marvin’?

.

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Q.  7:  ‘Winter’, ‘Secret’, ‘Dirty’, ‘Pastry’, ‘Cola’, ‘Pig’, ‘Honey’, ‘Football’, ‘Rif’ and ‘Cod’ are all examples of what?

.

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Q.  8:  What sauce is made from the plant ‘Armorica rusticana’?

.

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Q.  9:  Which of these is a comic character who appears in three plays by Shakespeare?

           a) Rifle            b) Musket            c) Pistol      

.

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Q. 10:  Rather appropriately for this month, the following line ‘February made me shiver‘ is found in which song?

.

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Q. 11:  Contestants from which South American country have won the most Miss Universe titles?

.

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Q. 12:  Which of these actors has won the most Best Actor Oscars?

            a) Tom Hanks        b) Kevin Spacey        c) Daniel Day Lewis        d) Jeff Bridges

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Q. 13:  John James Audubon is famous for his paintings of what?

.

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Q. 14:  Which large sea in the south-western Pacific Ocean is named after a German?

.

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Q. 15:  ‘Monique Delacroix’ was the mother of which debonair hero?

.

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Q. 16:  What is the name and the color of Jim Henson’s most famous creation?

.

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Q. 17:  This word is the name for a magnificent palace, a variety of apple and a person or thing without equal, what is it?

.

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Q. 18:  Name the movie in which Michael Caine plays ‘Lt Gonville Bromhead’?

.

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Q. 19:  What does a woman raise and hold up in a ‘Pabana’?

.

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Q. 20:  Which very famous soothing English song uses the melody from Mozart’s ‘Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman’?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Who won a best actor Oscar for his portrayal of an anthropophagus?

A.  1:  Anthony Hopkins in ‘The Silence of the Lambs’, an anthropophagus is a cannibal.

.

.

Q.  2:  The Komodo dragon takes its name from as island in which country?

A.  2:  Indonesia. (Probably because of the name a lot of people guess Japan.)

.

.

Q.  3:  Which car company built the classic ‘1962 250 GT Berlinetta Boxer’ automobile?

A.  3:  Ferrari.

.

.

Q.  4:  Name the country from which the soup ‘Gazpacho’ originated?

A.  4:  Spain. (You also get a point if you said Portugal.)

.

.

Q.  5:  Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Miss Felicity Lemon’?

A.  5:  Hercule Poirot.

.

.

Q.  6:  In which famous movie would you find  a robot called ‘Marvin’?

A.  6:  ‘A Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’.

.

.

Q.  7:  ‘Winter’, ‘Secret’, ‘Dirty’, ‘Pastry’, ‘Cola’, ‘Pig’, ‘Honey’, ‘Football’, ‘Rif’ and ‘Cod’ are all examples of what?

A.  7:  They are all names of different wars.

.

.

Q.  8:  What sauce is made from the plant ‘Armorica rusticana’?

A.  8:  Horseradish.

.

.

Q.  9:  Which of these is a comic character who appears in three plays by Shakespeare?

           a) Rifle            b) Musket            c) Pistol            

A.  9:  c) Pistol. (Pistol (fict) is a follower of Sir John Falstaff in Henry IV, Part 2 and The Merry Wives of Windsor. He is married to Mistress Quickly, and is a soldier in conflict with Fluellen, in Henry V.)

.

.

Q. 10:  Rather appropriately for this month, the following line ‘February made me shiver‘ is found in which song?

A. 10:  American Pie (Don McLean).

.

.

Q. 11:  Contestants from which South American country have won the most Miss Universe titles?

A.  11:  Venezuela (6, in 1979, 1981, 1986, 1996, 2008 and 2009).

.

.

Q. 12:  Which of these actors has won the most Best Actor Oscars?

            a) Tom Hanks        b) Kevin Spacey        c) Daniel Day Lewis        d) Jeff Bridges

A. 12:  c) Daniel Day Lewis

.

.

Q. 13:  John James Audubon is famous for his paintings of what?

A. 13:  Birds.  (An original copy of his book ‘Birds of America’ sold in London at Sotheby’s for a record £7,321,250 (approximately $11.5 million) on 6 December 2010.)

.

.

Q. 14:  Which large sea in the south-western Pacific Ocean is named after a German?

A. 14:  The Bismarck Sea.

.

.

Q. 15:  ‘Monique Delacroix’ was the mother of which debonair hero?

A. 15:  James Bond.

.

.

Q. 16:  What is the name and the color of Jim Henson’s most famous creation?

A. 16:  Kermit the Frog and he is green.

.

.

Q. 17:  This word is the name for a magnificent palace, a variety of apple and a person or thing without equal, what is it?

A. 17:  Nonsuch.

.

.

Q. 18:  Name the movie in which Michael Caine plays ‘Lt Gonville Bromhead’?

A. 18:  Zulu.

.

.

Q. 19:  What does a woman raise and hold up in a ‘Pabana’?

A. 19:  Her skirt. The Pabana (or Peacock dance) is a solemn and stately Spanish dance.

.

.

Q. 20:  Which very famous soothing English song uses the melody from Mozart’s ‘Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman’?

A. 20:  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

.

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Did You Know? Facts, Facts And More Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Fact day again on the fasab blog.

Another twenty things you probably don’t know now, but not to worry, you will do soon if you read on.

Enjoy.

.

did you know1

.

Before Gmail, “G-Mail” was the name of a free

email service offered by Garfield’s website.

gmail-logo-transparent

.

.

In America the bonnets and caps of city fire hydrants

are painted certain colors to alert firefighters

to the amount of water pressure available from that hydrant.

fire hydrant

.

.

It isn’t water itself that conducts electricity,

but the impurities found in it.

short_circuit water and electricity cartoon

.

.

Richard Hollingshead of Camden, N.J., built the first

drive-in theater in his driveway.

The idea was inspired by his mother who was a large woman

who found the seats at regular movie theaters uncomfortable.

He made it with a sheet strung between two trees and

a movie projector mounted to the hood of his car.

drive-in-theater

.

.

Washington state’s Mt. Rainier is the tallest

volcano in the contiguous United States,

measuring nearly 14,500 feet in height.

It last erupted in 1854.

mount rainier washington us

.

.

Despite their menacing appearance and fierce name,

dragonflies cannot sting and are harmless to human beings.

dragonfly

.

.

When referring to China, make sure

to say the People’s Republic of China.

Leave off “People’s” and you’re talking about Taiwan.

china_taiwan

.

.

Approximately one quarter of the United States’

homeless population are war veterans.

(Shameful statistic!)

homeless_veterans

.

.

The inventors of bubble wrap,

Alfred Fielding and Marc Chavannes,

were originally trying to make plastic wallpaper.

bubble-wrap

.

.

The toilet featured in Hitchcock’s Psycho

was the first flushing toilet to appear on-screen.

psycho toilet

.

.

Frankincense, one of the precious items

the wise men gave the baby Jesus,

was actually an ancient form of chewing gum

Frankincense

.

.

The poinsettia is named after former

congressman and ambassador Joel Poinsett,

who introduced the plant to the United States in the 1800s.

Joel Poinsett

.

.

Peridots are the only gems that

have been found in meteorites.

Peridot August Birthstone

.

.

The longest jellyfish on record measured 160 feet,

more than half the length of a football field.

Jellyfish

.

.

All holly trees are gender specific – male or female.

Only the female holly tree bears fruit (berries),

and in order to do so there must be a male

pollinated tree within a two mile radius of her.

holly tree in park

.

.

Two-thirds of the world’s lawyers live in the United States.

LawyersProtectArtists

.

.

The Hard Rock Café got its name from a now-defunct bar that

appeared on the back of the Doors’ album Morrison Hotel.

Doors album cover Morrison Hotel - Hard Rock Cafe

.

.

When cranberries are ripe, they bounce like a rubber ball.

cranberry

.

.

Due to the “naughty” dancing of the can-can girls and

the scantily clad models on 1800s French postcards,

the British equated anything risqué with France.

In fact, that’s how the phrase “pardon my French” entered the vernacular.

can can dancers

.

.

Scott Joplin’s famous piano song, “Maple Leaf Rag,”

was not named for the leaf or for Canada:

it was named for the Maple Leaf Club,

a social gathering place in Sedalia, Missouri.

.

.

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I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

.

rofl

.

“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

decimals

.

.

Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

giraffe-cartoon-nudist-camp

.

.

The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier

.

.

It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

dot-me-logo

.

.

Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

Psycho_(1960)

.

.

When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

fun_fair_by_shadowdraco

.

.

I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle

.

.

My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

mt-rushmore-cartoonfrederator-studios

.

.

I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

bookshelves

.

.

My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words

.

.

Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

Black_and_White_Dog_Cartoon_of_a_Dog_Selling_Stolen_Watches_clipart_image

.

.

It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

microwave

.

.

My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing

.

.

Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

tootsie-con-dustin-hoffman

.

.

Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

pain-de-france

.

.

I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials

.

.

“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

unicorns

.

.

Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears

.

.

I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab

.

.

The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

Cartoon_of_a_Bride_Left_at_the_Alter_clipart_image

.

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