Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Astronomy Is Looking Up.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Astronomy is indeed looking up and so is today now that you’ve realized it’s Pun Day.

Lots more word play below, so…

Enjoy or endure!!

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My friends say

I always contradict them,

but I disagree.

 

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I applied for a loan,

but the bank had zero percent interest.

 

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For every action,

there is a social media over-reaction.

 

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I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting.

Underneath it said “Loaned anonymously.”

I went to the front desk and said,

“I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please.”

 

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Quantum mechanics:

The dreams stuff is made of.

 

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I was a whisker away from finding

an entire utensil set yesterday.

 

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Pyongyang

– the only capital city that sounds

like a ricochet sound effect

from an old fashioned Western.

 

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My friend has just had surgery.

‘Surgery’ being the operative word.

 

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I was playing scrabble with my dad

when he spelled the word “stneve”.

It was an unexpected turn of events.

 

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Do deaf mathematicians

speak in sine language?

 

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They say when a man meets the right woman,

he is complete.

They say when a man meets the wrong woman,

he is finished.

They say when the right woman

meets the wrong woman with the man,

he is completely finished.

 

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Stupidity is not a handicap.

Park elsewhere.

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China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 

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If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 

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I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 

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A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 

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I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 

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I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 

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My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

 

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My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 

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A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 

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A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 

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My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 

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What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 

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My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 

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Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

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Starting: What Jamaican Astronomers Look At.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Starting with a star ting must mean it’s Pun Day.

Another selection of word plays for you to ….

Enjoy or endure!

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Sadly, the man who invented

the raffle has passed away.

R.I.P Tom Bola.

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I’ve been merciless with my French class.

I get no thanks.

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I was standing on soft ground

but I didn’t realize at first

because it took a while to sink in.

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If you give a physicist to a cannibal,

he’ll eat Faraday.

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I’ve read ‘Plumbing For Dummies’ twice and

I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I guess it’s going to take another

few reads before this sinks in.

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If your dad had a sex change,

would he be your transparent.

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Chinese censors are trying to

ban the use of puns in the media.

This is the wong move, and I hope

Western governments don’t panda to it.

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I’m beginning to see loads of second

hand shops opening up in my area.

Surely selling the complete clock

would be more profitable???

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I just built a huge tower of books.

It had to be like 50 stories.

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When David Rockefeller was asked to make

a contribution to the American conservation movement,

he planted two Bushes in the White House.

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Have you seen the new

’30 minutes or it’s free’

cocaine home delivery service?

They call it Instagram.

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My boyfriend took me out in his new Ferrari last night,

and spent the whole time going on about acceleration,

power-to-weight ratios, handling and braking efficiency,

before dropping me at home and zooming off into the night. 

Frankly, I was hoping for less torque and more action.

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I went to the doctor because

of my morbid fear of breasts.

He said I’m suffering from

aracknophobia.

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I met this dwarf called Peter the other day,

he’s a baker and he was telling

me all about baking flatbreads,

it was fascinating.

I love to hear the

Pita patter of tiny Pete.

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Music puns,

Not everyone can Handel them…

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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I Never Question Myself. Why Should I Start Now?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

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I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

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My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

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I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

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My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

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Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

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I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

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My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

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I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

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I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

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My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

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My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

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I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

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My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

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Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

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Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

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“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

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I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

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My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

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I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

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I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

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I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

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Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

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I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

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I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

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You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

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You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

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I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

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After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

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As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

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I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

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Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

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The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

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I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

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Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

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The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

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I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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It’s D-Day! – De Day For Puns Dat Is!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, the day you all look forward to, pun day!

First, since it is June 6^th I’ll take the opportunity to recommend one of the best WWII movies ever made. Called “The Longest Day” it is a dramatic account of the Normandy Landings that took place on this day in 1944.

But back to today and those puns.

Enjoy!

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Do you think that people who don’t want to be counted

have taken leave of their census?

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Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

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To qualify as an electrician these days

you have to pass a battery of tests.

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Do people who steal trains have a loco-motive?

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Do banks with competing loan rates

have a conflict of interest?

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When they build a new hive

do bees have a house swarming party?

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Is it just me……

or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

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You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

The Credible Hulk.

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I was in an English exam and they asked

“Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’

I bought a carpet off this girl I’ve been dating.

We broke up, but at least I got a good shag.

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Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.

It was scary, but I was really impressed at how well he’d trained it.

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We just started a new band this week.

We called it “999 Megabytes”.

Coz we haven’t done a gig yet.

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I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work

if you take it out of the sync region.

Much like my wife.

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The most common surname In China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

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I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday,

and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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My dad never loved me as a child.

I can’t blame him really.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for $1000.

I thought that’s a bit steep.

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My best friend is called Tiba.

Sometimes, I think he’s a bit backwards.

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The wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, “What can I do to stop my addiction?”

She said, “Whatever means necessary.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said.

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