Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

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I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

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I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

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My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

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I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

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What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

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Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

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I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

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What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

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According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

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Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

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Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

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BREAKING NEWS: Man In Boxers Leads Police On A Brief Chase!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If the title didn’t give you a clue, it’s Pun Day again.

Some more word play to….

Enjoy or endure!

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Reports that suggest

Little Miss Muffet

has contracted food poisoning

have been described as

“Whey off”.

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I went to the cinema last night

and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

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What do my wife and a

drone have in common?

The noise.

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Most car designs start off as

a sketch on a piece of paper.

Like the Audi A4.

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I’m waiting to hear if I’ve got a place in

the World Hyperventilating Championship.

I won’t be holding my breath.

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Apparently the government has a database

containing the details of every single

animal attack on humans.

Wonder how big it is,

probably many terror bites.

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The girl in the shop told me

she didn’t have any 7UP.

But she’s just saying that

out of sprite.

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I’m writing a book

about patriarchal societies.

It’s going to be called

“It’s Reigning Men”.

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I’m known for being a really good chef.

I bring a lot to the table.

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ISIS.

Always in crisis.

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A lion, a witch and a wardrobe

walk into a bar.

The barman says,

“I’m serving Narnia!”

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I saw an extremely fat frog that

was having trouble bending its legs.

It was probably roomy-toad arthritis.

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Help, I am looking for my father,

I was raised by my mother and

all she told me was he’s Italian,

works in a clinic,

and goes by the name ‘Invitro’?

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My friend gets his Viagra

delivered by chartered air freight.

He’s a Very Impotent Person.

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I couldn’t get tickets for the Plan B concert.

So I had to go with my first choice instead.

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Shock Headline – The President Agrees With Me!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The Sunday Sermon

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I’ve been saying it for a long time – and now the President of the United States agrees with me – he doesn’t know WTF he’s doing!

I can’t say as I take much satisfaction from his admission though.

The US President is the most powerful man in the world and he has at his disposal the most powerful military organization in the world.

Yet he doesn’t know what to do with it, when to do it, or even who to aim it at!

A bit of it, belatedly and half-heartedly, is now pointing at ISIS targets in Iraq and Syria. Yes, you’re right, they are the very same Islamic terrorists he was funding for a while in Syria! He says he wasn’t, but in practice he was.

Confused?

You should be.

Because the Obama Administration certainly is!

Indeed Obama’s team of idiots have confused themselves to the degree that they don’t know what to do and are afraid to do it even if they did!

The situation is not being helped by the noise coming from the equally ill-informed politicians in the Republican camp either. Some cynics would say they are doing a lot of it with the November elections in mind!

As I’ve said before on this blog, America has never been good at foreign policy. There are so many examples over the years to prove this beyond any and all doubt (Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, now Syria). But this latest debacle could turn out to be foreign policy failure on a grand scale.

This is simply down to the fact that, even yet, the Obama administration clearly does not understand the severity of the problem. They haven’t managed to process the long term threat that a well armed, well supported and well funded group like ISIS can become.

Everyone – except the President and his people apparently – knows that these terrorists will not be content even if they are allowed to establish a fundamentalist Islamic state in the Middle East. Their hatred of anything and everything in the West is total.

In fact, as we have seen in Iraq and Syria, their hatred even extends to fellow Muslims who they do not consider to be ‘militant enough’ and they have attacked and murdered them in just the same ways as they have attacked and murdered Christians.

In Syria, which is none of our business, the Obama team thought they wanted the Assad regime removed, and to get that done they thought they could support ISIS (or the anti-Assad fighters of whom ISIS were always destined to be a big part).

Now the US may well find itself on the same side as Assad in a fight against the terrorists. And that may be the crux of the US Administration’s problem. They made the wrong move, at the wrong time, in the wrong place, for all the wrong reasons and correcting the mistake will require a major volte face and sizeable portion of humble pie.

Are they big enough to swallow it?

We’ll see.   

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I’m Beginning To Feel I’m Bean Stalked!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s pun day, the day we all love  –  well most of us do anyway.

Enjoy this latest selection!

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When does a cow make the most noise?

When she’s feeling moooooody!

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I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with

a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.

I picked it up and threw it.

It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

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There was a ghost at the hotel,

so they called for an inn spectre.

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Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet.

We’re a cover band.

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Messing with your computer’s memory chip

can have lasting RAMifications

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My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal.

I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.

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This one is just messed up.

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I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p.

I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

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A picture may be worth a thousand words,

but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

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I lost my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

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I beat my wife up this morning.

She got up at 7.30, I was up at 7.

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Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

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I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia.

I said they all look the same to me.

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Nostalgia.

It’s not what it used to be.

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I just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Mailman has, however, proven that they do.

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I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone.

I was in stitches for two weeks.

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I’ve just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.

Although what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know.

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A man goes home to his wife and shows her his

latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

“You’ve really Excelled yourself this time!” she says.

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When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses

do they have a mid-wife crisis?

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