Time today for another selection of those classified ads we all love to read. Pick your favorite or just enjoy them all. No doubt a lot of hard work was put into getting them so perfect for publication, which just goes to show that it takes a little bfain power as well as effort to get the desired result.
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”
God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”
Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”
Finally the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”
And God said, “In a minute.”
I had originally called this post ‘Time And Relativity’ but I thought that would put some people off reading it. But that’s what it is actually about.
We have all heard about Albert Einstein and his theory of relativity, which is when he basically demolished Isaac Newton’s theories of mechanics and replaced them with the theory of relativity and how time can be effected by space, gravity, velocity and so forth.
Albert Einstein who formulated the theories of relativity
Like Einstein (who am I kidding LOL) I have two theories of relativity, a General Theory and a Special Theory. That I am afraid is where the similarity ends because being neither a physicist nor a genius my theories are of necessity much simpler, although I would argue no less valid.
If you’ve got the time read on….
1. The Fasab General Theory of Relativity
The Fasab General Theory of Relativity simply states that the more interested you are in something the faster time passes.
Contrary to what a lot of people have been taught and believe, widening your variety of activities and experiences will not slow down your perception of time passing, it will in fact speed it up if you are interested in and enjoy those activities and experiences.
We have all experienced this phenomenon. Sit down at your computer and get engrossed in the fasab blog 🙂 , do a bit of work on your own blog, or just look for information on something you are interested in, and hey presto two hours have disappeared before you know it.
Same if you are watching a really good movie or play or show. It may last for two hours or more, but it seems an awful lot less.
And there are people you know and meet who are great company, are funny, tell good stories, and/or can hold interesting conversations on a variety of topics. Time seems to pass so quickly and so pleasantly when you are fortunate enough to be in that sort of company.
Conversely, the more uninterested you are in something the slower time passes.
Ever gone to see a film that was particularly bad and that you thought was never going to end? Or a lecture by a boring speaker who made an hour seem like a day and your bottom give up and go to sleep? If you have you’ll know exactly what I mean.
I used to have an old aunt who had Alzheimers and occasionally I would go to stay with her to give my cousin a few hours break. Her sensible conversational skills were approaching zero at that stage in her disease, tv seemed to irritate her and so on, so there was little to do to pass the time.
I would go in to her house, sit down and glance at my watch. It would be something like, say, 7.30pm.
I’d try to coax a little chat out of her and fail; then read the newspaper for a while; then just close my eyes and have a rest or a think about what I needed to do tomorrow; and then after what I thought was at least a good 30 minutes or more I’d check my watch again.
It would say something like 7.34pm! Those 4 minutes had taken a half hour to pass. It was awful.
Then there are the drones, people who seem to be able to slow down time with their excruciatingly boring and meaningless conversation. A friend of mine from University days who went on to become an accountant turned into to one of those, obsessed with whatever budget he was trying to perfect he droned on and on and on about it. I don’t see him much these days.
And that is the Fasab General Theory Of Relativity.
2. The Fasab Special Theory of Relativity
The Fasab Special Theory Of Relativity is a different concept to the General Theory just outlined. It is also harder to ‘prove’ in that the ability to experience it is not quite so immediate. But once again we have all experienced it, so here goes.
The Fasab Special Theory of Relativity states that time is perceived to pass faster the lower the proportion a unit of time is, when compared to how long we have lived.
Have you ever heard people say, or even said yourself, that the older you get the quicker the months and years seem to pass?
I’m sure there is a complex mathematical formula for something like this and if anyone cares to send it to me well and good. But for now let’s not bother complicating things.
The Fasab Special Theory of Relativity in simple terms can be summarized as Y/L = P, where ‘Y’ is a period of 1 year or 12 months; ‘L’ is a person’s current life term or age stated in months; and ‘P’ is the proportion of your current life that 1 year represents. The older you get the lower is the value of ‘P’ and the faster time is perceived to pass.
For example, when you are a child a year seems like a long, long, long time. That is simply because when kids are five years old, twelve months is a large proportion of their lives, 12/60 or 1/5 or 20 percent.
However, by the time you reach 50 years of age, a year or 12 months is a much smaller proportion of your lifetime, 12/600 or 1/50 or just 2 percent.
Therefore the older you get, the quicker a year, or any unit of time for that matter, seems to pass.
I’m not happy about this. Time appears to be going in far too fast already. But like everyone else I seem to be stuck with it.
And that is a summary of the two Fasab theories of time and relativity.
It might be interesting to speculate how the two theories combine and what effect that has but, oh my goodness, is that the time? Must go!
Today I have great pleasure in presenting the third, but unfortunately, final part of this short series of Witty One-liners from the late and great George Carlin.
Where have all the clever comedians gone, I wonder?
Enjoy.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
“I’ll never forget what’s his name,” is something I have a habit of saying. I’ve always had a good memory and recall for most things, particularly numbers, but sometimes I’m terrible with names. I can be trying to hold a sensible conversation with someone, usually someone who I haven’t seen for a long time, and while I know their face perfectly, can I remember the name! It makes for awkward times and sometimes amusing ones as well.
I hope it doesn’t get any worse as I get older! I’d hate to end my days with “oul timers” as we call it in our family, my aunt having been so afflicted for a few years before her passing.
But like all adversities there are the funny sides.
Here’s a report from an old issue of the Southland Times in New Zealand that I thought was amusing.
The police were called to the Whangarei ward at the Aged Care Centre in Kaikohe, New Zealand, because a fight had broken out.
When they arrived, they could see that the two elderly protagonists had been involved in a mighty punch-up. Both were covered in blood, their clothes were torn, one had a broken nose and half his hair ripped out, and the other had a broken arm and a hypodermic needle stuck in his penis.
Furniture and equipment had been smashed flat, beds had been overturned, and the other patients on the ward were terrified.
When the matter came to court, Police Sergeant Maurice Loveridge reported as follows:
“…. the fight took place in a ward full of elderly Alzheimer’s patients, and it has gradually become clear that nobody can remember what happened, or who was responsible.
One patient keeps repeating the phrase ‘we ought to have more manure’, but frankly this gives us no clue.
The two accused men do not recognise each other, nor do the other patients, and the ones who initially reported the incident to us had forgotten that there even was a fight by the time we tried to question them.
Therefore, because nobody can now recall the incident, the Police Prosecution Department has reluctantly decided to withdraw the case against both men.”
These aren’t the same old boys as in the New Zealand fracas, but they’re the best I could come up with. They made me laugh.
fasab 