People Who Have Bluetooth Handsets Need A Clip Round The Ear.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m tempted to say that you need a clip round the ear if you don’t like puns, but I know you do.

Why else would you be here?

Unless it’s for pun-ishment.

Enjoy or endure!!

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Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they always focus on the negatives.

 

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I bought a flea circus yesterday,

but one of them won’t go on the high wire.

It’s a nervous tick.

 

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I played in a football match

that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

 

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I don’t mind doing crosswords,

but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

 

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What do you call it when a prisoner

falls from the top of a building?

Condescending.

 

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I invented the upside down house.

It’s now a top cellar.

 

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To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

 

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Support your local

search and rescue squad.

Get lost

 

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Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

Revenge!

The road had crossed him the week before.

 

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My uncle slipped on some beans last week.

If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

 

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I took my dog to a car showroom today.

I turned to him and said,

“They have an interesting Range Rover.”

 

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If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

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Apparently Towels Are The Biggest Cause Of Dry Skin.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What would Thursdays be without a few puns?

Well, yes, okay it would still be Thursday, but a lot less enjoyable.

So what are you waiting for?

I’m sure you are already salivating at the prospect.

Enjoy!

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My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

I knew I was destined for osteology.

I could feel it in my bones.

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There’s been a break in at a local puzzle factory.

Authorities are still trying to piece things together.

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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

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The hardest time in a man’s life

is between puberty and impotence.

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I used to think I was trapped in a woman’s body…

Then I was born.

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Never hit a man with glasses.

Hit him with a baseball bat.

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I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.

I never really got along with my real ladder.

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My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.

He doesn’t talk about it, though.

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Some people like Pachyderms.

But I find them irrelephant

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My wife left me because of my obsession with sporting puns.

its a shame really because i wanted to discus it.

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I went to the dentist the other day and he told me that he was sick of hearing puns about his job.

So I told him ‘I had a filling you were going to say that’

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I would prefer it if there were Fuhrer puns about the Nazis, thanks very much.

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Did you hear about the transvestite blues singer?

He woke up one morning and he had the blouse.

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I hate when people try to use the word infinity just to be clever.

It annoys me to no end.

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Say What You Want, You Really Like ‘Em

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, some of you pretend not to, but come on, admit it, I know you really like these awful jokes dressed up as puns and word plays.

Here’s another lot for you to pretend to hate!

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Bill used to date an English teacher, but she dumped him.

She didn’t approve of his improper use of the colon.

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What’s better than seeing a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

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I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn’t come.

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!

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My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”

I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”

She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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I think jokes about fat people are horrible.

Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?

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I shot someone with a starting gun.

I’ve been charged with race crimes

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I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

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Capitalization is the difference between

“I helped my uncle Jack off a horse,”

and

“I helped my uncle jack off a horse.”

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Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

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My brother came out of the closet today.

I knew I should have used a better lock.

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The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.

I thought, that’s Aboriginal.

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