Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Fasab’s Fascinating Fun Facts Folks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another alliteration and another bunch of fascinating fun facts.

Throw a few of these out when you get the opportunity and dazzle you friends with your new knowledge.

Well, you’ll probably get one of those odd quizzical looks at least.

Enjoy.

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A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years.

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The word “set” has the most number of definitions in the English language; 192

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Hong Kong has more Rolls Royce cars per capita than any other city.

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The longest name in the Bible is Mahershalalbaz.

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In a survey of 200,000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand.

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Elephants have the longest pregnancy in the animal kingdom at 22 months.

The longest human pregnancy on record is 17 months, 11 days.

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Possums have one of the shortest pregnancies at 16 days.

The shortest human pregnancy to produce a healthy baby was 22 weeks, 6 days

— the baby was the length of a ballpoint pen.

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In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

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Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen.

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Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.

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The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan.

There was never a recorded Wendy before it.

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One in ten people live on an island.

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Humphrey Bogart NEVER said “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca

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Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.

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Jim Henson first coined the word “Muppet”.

It is a combination of “marionette” and “puppet.”

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Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India.

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The word “maverick” came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan who refused to brand his cattle.

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Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

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A “quidnunc” is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip.

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Chrysler built B29’s that bombed Japan.

Mitsubishi built the Zeros that tried to shoot them down.

Both companies now build cars in a joint plant called Diamond Star.

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In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.

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Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.”

The second? William Jefferson Clinton

It can’t be a coincidence, it really can’t!!!

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The country code for Russia is “007”.

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Don’t Join Dangerous Cults: Practice Safe Sects! – Yes, More Puns!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What could be better than a bit of sound advice mixed with a little pun?

Appearing today probably to mixed reviews, here is another of puns, bad jokes or word plays, whatever you like to call them.

Enjoy!

(BTW, the last one is a classic!)

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Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?

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I hear that the credit crunch is even affecting fairgrounds.

My friend’s a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning.

He’s suing for funfair dismissal.

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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

because he only recognizes the element of surprise

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I got a new anorexic girlfriend.

It’s not going too well.

These days, I’m seeing less and less of her.

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I went into the hardware store yesterday.

I went up to the counter and asked the bloke for some nails.

He said, “How long do you want them?”

I said, “I want to keep ’em.”

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My late mother-in-law was a clairvoyant and a contortionist.

As a result she was able to foresee her own end

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Mary Poppins said  he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Could you say a gossip is someone with a sense of rumor?

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Why was the ink drop sad?

Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be!

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My mate is addicted to brake fluid.

But he reckons he can stop at any time.

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When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

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How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

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What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillippe Flop

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