Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

A problem shared is a problem laughed at

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

egocentric

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

dad

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

75 percent

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

googling

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

walk down a hill

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

longstanding problem

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

Scottish landowner

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

gossip far too much

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

cannelloni

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

the innuendo society mug

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Another Day For All You Quizzers Out There.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another set of twenty questions to get you thinking.

They say they are all easy if you know the answers – and can remember them!

Good luck with this lot, some are easy but some are quite tough.

And if you get stuck you’ll find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating please!

Enjoy.

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quiz confused1

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Q.  1:  Which vitamin is also known as ascorbic acid?

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Q.  2:  Approximately what percentage of all the water on Earth is fresh water?

           a)  3%        b)  13%        c) 23%        d) 33%

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Q.  3:  In Greek mythology which Trojan hero killed Achilles?

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Q.  4:  In which Hitchcock movie is Cary Grant’s character the victim of mistaken identity?

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Q.  5:  What type of animal is a skink?

           a) Snake        b) Lizard        c) Marsupial

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Q.  6:  In German cuisine what is Stollen?

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Q.  7:  Which of these wars took place first?

           a) Boer War         b) First World War        c) Crimean War

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Q.  8:  Which American company produces the Polo clothing line?

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Q.  9:  On what English play is the musical West Side Story based?

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Q. 10:  What color is known as sable in heraldry?

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Q. 11:  Which Apostle is often described as the first Pope?

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Q. 12:  Professor Robert Langdon features in novels by which American author?

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Q. 13:  What shape is ‘rigatoni’ pasta?

            a) shell        b) tube        c) cartwheel        d) spiral

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Q. 14:  ‘Nature morte’ is the French term for what type of painting?

            a) portrait        b) landscape        c) still life

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Q. 15:  The term ‘zoophagous’ has a similar meaning to which of the following words?

            a) carnivorous        b) herbivorous        c) piscivorous

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Q. 16:  What does the musical term ‘adagio’ mean?

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Q. 17:  Harold Holt who disappeared while swimming in 1967 was the Prime Minister of which country?

            a) Canada        b) United Kingdom        c) Australia         d) New Zealand

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Q. 18:  In what country did the tango dance originate?

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Q. 19:  Which US President did John Hinckley try to assassinate?

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Q. 20:  In what year did Elvis Presley die?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Which vitamin is also known as ascorbic acid?

A.  1:  Vitamin C.

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Q.  2:  Approximately what percentage of all the water on Earth is fresh water?

           a)  3%        b)  13%        c) 23%        d) 33%

A.  2:  a)  3%

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Q.  3:  In Greek mythology which Trojan hero killed Achilles?

A.  3:  Paris, who shot him in the heel with a poison arrow.

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Q.  4:  In which Hitchcock movie is Cary Grant’s character the victim of mistaken identity?

A.  4:  North By Northwest.

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Q.  5:  What type of animal is a skink?

           a) Snake        b) Lizard        c) Marsupial

A.  5:  b) Lizard

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Q.  6:  In German cuisine what is Stollen?

A.  6:  A Fruit Loaf.

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Q.  7:  Which of these wars took place first?

           a) Boer War         b) First World War        c) Crimean War

A.  7:  c) Crimean War

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Q.  8:  Which American company produces the Polo clothing line?

A.  8:  Ralph Lauren.

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Q.  9:  On what English play is the musical West Side Story based?

A.  9:  Romeo And Juliet by William Shakespeare.

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Q. 10:  What color is known as sable in heraldry?

A. 10:  Black.

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Q. 11:  Which Apostle is often described as the first Pope?

A. 11:  Peter.

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Q. 12:  Professor Robert Langdon features in novels by which American author?

A. 12:  Dan Brown.

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Q. 13:  What shape is ‘rigatoni’ pasta?

            a) shell        b) tube        c) cartwheel        d) spiral

A. 13:  b) tube.

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Q. 14:  ‘Nature morte’ is the French term for what type of painting?

            a) portrait        b) landscape        c) still life

A. 14:  c) still life.

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Q. 15:  The term ‘zoophagous’ has a similar meaning to which of the following words?

            a) carnivorous        b) herbivorous        c) piscivorous

A. 15:  a) carnivorous.

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Q. 16:  What does the musical term ‘adagio’ mean?

A. 16:  Slow.

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Q. 17:  Harold Holt who disappeared while swimming in 1967 was the Prime Minister of which country?

            a) Canada        b) United Kingdom        c) Australia         d) New Zealand

A. 17:  c) Australia

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Q. 18:  In what country did the tango dance originate?

A. 18:  Argentina.

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Q. 19:  Which US President did John Hinckley try to assassinate?

A. 19:  Ronald Reagan.

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Q. 20:  In what year did Elvis Presley die?

A. 20:  1977.

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

ghost-towel

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

huile-d-olive

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

gym cartoon

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

half indian

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

cleavage

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

Transformer

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

BeerBetter

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

air and space museum

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

school desk

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

cartoon-numbers-set

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

booby_traps_by_vmv_81-d3ickn1

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

Norton

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

dictionary

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

sax_and_violins

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

drunk

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

albert_einstein_328565

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

thyme

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

metric-system-copyright-Allan-Inman

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

motherboard

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

pasta

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I Don’t Know How They Do It But Every Week They Seem To Get Worse!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Yes, I really don’t know how they do it, but every week they do seem to get worse. Where these answers come from or why shall always be a mystery, but they are fun and that’s what we like here, especially on a Monday!

You gotta start the week with a smile 🙂

Enjoy.

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Q: The perfect temperature for an autumn day   

A: 87   

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Q: An important city during colonial times          

A: Virginia

A: New England

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Q: Name something parents yell at their kids to finish    

A: “Get off that computer”

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Q: Name a movie people love to watch at Christmas      

A: Snow White 

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Q: Name a type of fruit found in tarts    

A: Sweet tarts

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Q: Name something you buy by the set 

A: Paper

Q: Name something you buy in a larger size if you have a large family    

A: Jeans

Q: Name something a woman sees that would make her tell her husband to stop the car 

A: A bicycle

Q: The most you could afford to pay for a gallon of gas

A: $20

Q: Name a way you would treat a pet like a human         

A: Take it to the vet

Q: Name something London is famous for        

A: Pasta

Q: Name a famous Australian    

A: Peter Pan    

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Q: The name of a famous sex symbol   

A: Wilma

Q: An invention that has replaced stairs 

A: Wheel

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Q: Name something associated with the show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”

A: Bob Barker

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A Few More Random Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This seems to be the week of questions on the fasab blog. It wasn’t planned that way, sometimes things just happen coincidentally, although you would have a job on your hands trying to convince a conspiracy theorist about that.

On Sunday we had questions in the form of a test, yesterday some quiz show questions (although the stars were the answers) and today another selection of those questions most of us ignore, but when we see them we think, “Yeah, why didn’t I ever ask that?”.

So here is the latest batch for you to think about.

Enjoy.

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 Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

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Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

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Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

lipstick and lips drawing 

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If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest and there is no one around, will it make a sound?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

psychic

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Why is it that Easy Listening music is so hard to listen to?

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Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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Why can’t you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

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If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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If you had everything, where would you put it?

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Why are men’s and women’s shoe sizes different?

different shoe sizes for men and women

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How do blind people know their stick is white?

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Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

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If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

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If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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If most streets in Japan do not have any names how do you address a letter to someone?

confused postman

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If Tarzan was raised in the jungle by apes, why doesn’t he ever have a beard?

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Before drawing boards were invented what was it people went back to?

drawing board

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