People Who Have Bluetooth Handsets Need A Clip Round The Ear.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m tempted to say that you need a clip round the ear if you don’t like puns, but I know you do.

Why else would you be here?

Unless it’s for pun-ishment.

Enjoy or endure!!

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Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they always focus on the negatives.

 

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I bought a flea circus yesterday,

but one of them won’t go on the high wire.

It’s a nervous tick.

 

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I played in a football match

that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

 

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I don’t mind doing crosswords,

but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

 

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What do you call it when a prisoner

falls from the top of a building?

Condescending.

 

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I invented the upside down house.

It’s now a top cellar.

 

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To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

 

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Support your local

search and rescue squad.

Get lost

 

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Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

Revenge!

The road had crossed him the week before.

 

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My uncle slipped on some beans last week.

If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

 

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I took my dog to a car showroom today.

I turned to him and said,

“They have an interesting Range Rover.”

 

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If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

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To Be Fair, It Needs To Stop Raining.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But of course sometimes life isn’t fair.

Sometimes it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Tink my postmn is a thif

My leters keep gong misin

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I asked a French bloke

if he played video games.

He said Wii.

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Chickens don’t have friends.

They only have pen pals.

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I was sent on an anger management course.

Apparently it’s all the rage.

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Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before

letting his girlfriend use his computer

….wookie error

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My brother takes part in a weather

predicting contest every month.

He’s the raining champion.

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I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl…

She never looked forward to anything.

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There was a knock at the front door.

My wife answered it and said to me

”there’s a man at the door with a bald head’‘.

I said ‘‘tell him to get lost, I’ve already got one’‘

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I’m directing a cowboy movie called ‘The Sun’.

It’s set in the west.

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My wife just spent $100 getting a bikini wax.

What a flipping rip off.

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Is anyone here called Allen?

I think I found your keys

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I’m an alcoholic and have frittered the best 

years of my life away looking at the world

through the bottom of a glass.

All I ask for is another shot.

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There’s a certain stigma attached

to reproduction organs,

especially in flowers.

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Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu,

wanted to illegally live in America.

The brothers decide to change

their names to seem more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu got sent back to China.

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I went to a Motown reunion last night and

promised myself I wouldn’t suck up to any of the artists…

But The Temptations were there.

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It’s The Day You All Look Forward To – Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, maybe not ‘all’ of you. But some people like them.

Here are a few more.

Enjoy or endure!

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I just learned the other day that a violin

is comprised of seventy separate pieces of wood.

It must be a fiddly job putting it all together!

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I named my car flattery.

It gets me nowhere.

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I got depressed when I lost my job at the Apple factory.

“Have you been taking any tablets?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah. Why do you think I got fired?”

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I’ve started a band called ‘Nostalgia’.

If we don’t make it, at least people will remember us fondly.

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My wife planted some seeds in the garden a while back

and just recently they’ve pushed through the soil.

She said to me today, “What do you think they are?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.  

“But they’ve definitely grown hyacinth we last looked at them.”

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I hopped on a bus today.

After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

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Just had to close my new restaurant down.

It was called “Mexican Tortilla”.

I just kept getting calls from language students…

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As I sat cleaning my rifle, my wife nagged,

“I think you love that gun more than me.”

“Are you even listening to me?” she asked.

“Yes, deer,” I replied.

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I’ll never forget my first love.

She took me outside and showed me the garden.

She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden.

Full of water.

“Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

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I started a business selling life support machines

but I’m on the verge of going bust.

Ironically, I’ve got to pull the plug.

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A psychic told me how to get more friends on Facebook,

and it worked!

What a great social medium.

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I tried to do a computer course

but I couldn’t hack it

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Just got back from the ‘Free Pussy Riot’ march.

Not what I was expecting,

apparently they’re some Russian band.

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Contrary to popular belief Owls are not wise,

they’re stupid and illiterate.

It’s “Tu Whit Tu WHOM!”

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“It’s nice to be served by somebody English for a change,”

I said to the waitress in a café.

“These days most of you are foreign and don’t understand a word I say. For instance…”

“For instance, what?” said the waitress, after a long pause.

“Four instant coffees, please.”

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Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yet another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

I wouldn’t guarantee the politically correctness of some of them, but enjoy them if you can!

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How do Welsh people cross the road?

Caerphilly!

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Are dwarfs the lowest form of human life?

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What are the rules of gay poker?

Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

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A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed.

“Would you like them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.

“Oooo no….” says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”

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A woman in the pharmacy sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampons for a dollar.

She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?”

“Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a dollar and there are no strings attached!”

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Did you hear about the gay carpenter?

He always left a saw behind!

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A psychotic rapist escaped recently from a mental institution for the criminally insane. He ran across the street to the laundromat hoping to find a change of clothes. Inside, he discovered two women, and forced them to have sex. Then he fled out the back door.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, “NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!”

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Irish bloke walks into a pub and says, “Drink of orange please landlord.”

The landlord asks, “Still orange?”

Irish fella replies, “Yes, I haven’t changed my mind.”

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Two blondes walk into a building…

Wow, you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

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What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?

Justin.

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After announcing he’s getting married, a Scotsman tells his pal he’ll be wearing a kilt.

‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks the mate.

‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’ he replies.

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Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”

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What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?

None.

You just pick it up as you go along!

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Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.

“Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.”

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A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

“Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?”

The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”

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