I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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Ugh, Communism Just Has No Class.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Communism may have no class but clever word play certainly does.

That’s our cue for another Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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I’m against picketing,

but I don’t know how to show it.

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I saw a man walking along the street

with a t-shirt that said ‘Free Hugs’.

I don’t know who ‘Hugs’ is,

but I’m sure they should release him.

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I went for a job interview at 

my local sandwich shop today.

As an aptitude test, the shop owner

asked me to make a beef sandwich

using only a spoon.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the job

– I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

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A committee is a group of people

who keep minutes and lose hours.

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I was given the sack at work last month.

I suppose you have to expect that

when you play Santa Clause.

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I can’t speak for anyone else,

but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist.

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My girlfriend talked me into putting

table salt into my bath today.

I think I’ve been brine washed.

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I saw a strange white bear at the zoo today.

It was mating with a female bear then it

suddenly it tried mating with a male bear.

I think it’s Bi Polar.

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Never employ someone who’s obsessed with graphs.

They’ll always be plotting behind your back.

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I got a real telling off yesterday

when we were visiting grandma.

She has a very hairy upper lip

and when we were leaving, she asked

me why I wouldn’t kiss her good bye.

Apparently my answer, “Sorry, must-dash,”

wasn’t the best choice of words.

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How does an angry Muslim close a door?

Islams it.

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I’ve just seen a sign in the post office that said

“Stamps sold by the book”.

It’s good to know that someone follows the rules.

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I decided to open an

exclusive hotel and casino

for people who have epilepsy.

It’s called Seizure’s Palace.

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I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.

The cashier said, “Have you got a store card?”

I said, “No but I did get a budgie excited once.”

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My friend has just rung to say

he’s bought a bubble car.

He’s going to pop round in it later.

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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Start The Week With An Idiot, Preferably Several – It’s Quiz Show Monday Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There are times and places I suppose one shouldn’t laugh, not that I bother too much about that, but one time when it is socially acceptable is on a Monday morning.

Here is your chance to test that out with another selection of ridiculous quiz show answers.

Enjoy.

 

 

Q: Name something roofs are made of  

A: Chalk stuff

 

 

Q: Name something men do when they run out of clean underwear         

A: Turn them inside out 

 

 

Q: Name something that people steal from work

A: Cash register

 

 

Q: Name a famous Peter          

A: Peter

 

 

Q: Name something that finishes the sentence: “You’re slower than…”     

A: Moses         

 

 

Q: Name something you feel before you buy it  

A: Excited        

 

 

Q: Name something you hope your dog doesn’t do right before he licks your head         

A: Burps          

 

 

Q: The ideal daily temperature   

A: 98.6?F         

 

 

Q: Name something with claws  

A: Christmas    

 

 

Q: Name something you wear two of at the same time   

A: Underwear    

 

 

Q: The first thing you take off after work           

A: Underwear

 

 

Q: An occasion for which you stayed up all night           

A: Lost virginity

 

 

Q: Name something that just you know is going break when its warranty runs out

A: Glass

 

 

Q: Name a bird that some people look like when they walk         

A: Dolphin

 

 

Q: Name something you hope your husband never loses (asked to 100 married women)  

A: His pants

 

 

Q: Name something a woman needs to have before she gets married     

A: A pap smear

 

 

Q: Name something babies throw out of their crib          

A: Prayer book 

 

 

Q: Name something that gets wet when you use it          

A: Toilet paper  

 

 

Q: Name something that guests get hit with on Jerry Springer     

A: Keys           

 

 

Q: An occupation that begins with the letter “J”  

A: A jackhammerer

 

 

Q: Name something people take to a bath         

A: Duck

 

 

Q: Name a letter many words begin with

A: Dear John    

 

 

Q: Name something you wish you had one of for each person in your home       

A: A house

 

 

Q: Name something office workers turn off at the end of the day           

A: Their brains  

 

 

Q: An actor who played a gangster       

A: Al Capone    

 

 

Q: Name something you throw away daily          

A: Toilet paper  

 

 

Q: Name a place where you take off your clothes, besides home           

A: School

 

 

Q: Name something you wash more than once per day   

A: Socks

  

 

Q: Name a man’s name that starts with the letter “P”

A: Porcupine

 

 

Q: Name something that rhymes with ‘coke’

A: Toke

 

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