To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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Movies, Monkeys And Mezcal, Fasab’s February Facts Continue.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, from movies to monkeys to mescal, an intoxicating collection of facts for you today.

Hope you find something interesting in this lot.

But whatever you do….

Enjoy.

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Statistically you are more likely to

have a heart attack on Monday morning

than any other time.

Congratulations,

you’ve made it to Tuesday.

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In the movie Home Alone

the Parisian airport scenes

were actually filmed in

Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport,

the luxurious business class seats were

built on a basketball court of a local high school

and the flooded basement scene

was filmed in that same school’s swimming pool.

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James Bond has killed 352 people over 22 films.

Pierce Brosnan was the deadliest Bond.

In GoldenEye alone, he killed 47 people.

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Believe it or not,

there are several competitions

in pig grunting imitation.

The Pig Grunting World Championship

and Agricultural show held annually in Paris

is among the most popular one.

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Another unusual competition

held every November in Amsterdam,

is the Cannabis Cup

which is the world´s largest cannabis festival,

where judges from around the world

sample and vote for their favorite marijuana varieties.

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The Ancient Egyptians buried their nobility

in the pyramids with burial goods that

ranged from everyday objects to the most

expensive items such as jewelry.

They believed the dead would use it in the afterlife.

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What’s the difference between mezcal and tequila?

The main difference between the two is the plant.

All tequila must be produced using blue agave,

whereas a variety of agave plants can

be used to make a single mezcal batch.

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The budget for the James Cameron film Titanic

was actually higher than the budget

spent on building the ship in real life.

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After fruit flies successfully paved

the way for animals in space,

Albert II (a male rhesus monkey)

was the first primate sent into space.

Successfully making it to 83 miles (134 km)

above the Earth’s surface on June 4 ,1949,

Albert II tragically died when the parachute

on his recovery capsule failed upon re-entry.

(He was preceded by Albert I who failed

to attain the international standard of height

for being in space.

Albert I did not survive the launch.)

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More than one million creators

from over thirty countries

are earning money

from their YouTube videos,

while nearly half of them are

making a living from that.

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During WWI Cher Ami was one of the

many birds used by the US Army Signal Corps

in France to transport important messages

from commanders in the battlefield.

In one of the missions Cher Ami was shot

by German troops after he took flight,

but the wounded bird continued flying

and heroically managed to deliver the

important message he carried.

As a result, a Lost Battalion of the Allies was saved,

and Cher Ami later was awarded the Croix de Guerre

by the French government.

After he died in June 1919,

the famous bird was preserved

by a taxidermist and

put on display at the Smithsonian.

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Japanese doctors have observed patients

with “auto-brewery syndrome,”

in which high levels of candida yeast in the

intestines churn out so much alcohol

that they can cause drunkenness.

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Not that they are used so much nowadays,

but in a traditional hangman’s noose

there are 13 twists of the rope

and 13 steps to the gallows.

This is fact 13 today!

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I can’t make up my mind if this is

a terrible death or a great way to go,

but Donna Lange, 51, from Everett, Washington,

smothered her boyfriend with her breasts

after passing out on top of him.

Witnesses said they heard the man pleading

with her to get off of him.

Lange, who was heavily intoxicated, told the 

police she had no idea how the man had died.

She was charged with second-degree murder.

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Some people believe an episode of the

Cartoon Network show Johnny Bravo predicted 9/11.

In a scene from Johnny Bravo

that aired on April 27, 2001,

a movie poster shows a burning tower

with a smoke cloud with the words

“COMING SOON.”

I remain unconvinced by this conspiracy theory.

In fact, the fact that it’s a theory is a fact,

not the fact that it is a fact. If you see what I mean!

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Sweaty Palms And Underarms – I Smell Fact Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, today’s selection of facts includes sweaty palms and underarms.

You may be surprised by these and some of the other offerings below.

Enjoy.

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A person can only remember

four things at a time.

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And speaking of four,

of the four smokestacks on the Titanic,

only three were real working chimneys,

the fourth was totally for decoration only.

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Palm sweat can be triggered by two separate things,

your body trying to control its temperature

or trying to cope with emotional stress,

both of which are closely linked.

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In July of 1518 a woman began to

dance in the street in Stasbourg.

She was eventually joined by about 400 dancers.

It’s not clear exactly how many people died

due to this ‘dancing plague’, but some

definitely died from heart attack,

stroke or exhaustion.

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The Great Pyramid of Giza is the oldest of

the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World

and the last one still in existence.

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In his entire career (so far) James Bond

has been shot at 4,662 times.

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The blue whale has the largest heart

weighing over 1,500 pounds.

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Although polar bears are usually born on land,

they spend most of their time at sea.

Their scientific name Ursus Maritimus

means ‘maritime bear’.

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When a person gets right to the precise point

or says something that is verified as correct it is

often said that they have ‘hit the nail on the head’.

The exact origin of the phrase is not known,

but it appeared for the first time in print in

1438 in The Book of Margery Kempe.

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7,000 deaths occur each year because

of doctors’ sloppy handwriting.

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According to the Australian census,

Melbourne has the largest Greek population

outside Greece with over 150,000 people

being of Greek origin, which technically

makes Melbourne the sixth biggest city

in terms of Greek population.

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The sweat from a man’s underarm

can help women relax,

boost their mood and

help regulate their menstrual cycle,

if applied to her lips.

There you are ladies, now you know.

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Mongol fleets tried to conquer Japan

twice in 7 years, but both times

they were stopped by a typhoon.

These events were described as

Kamikaze or ‘Divine Wind’.

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Thomas Jefferson and John Adams

both died on July 4th

on the 50th Anniversary of

the Declaration of Independence.

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Psy’s “Gangnam Style” is

the most watched YouTube video ever

with nearly 2.2 billion views and counting.

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Did You Know? – Another Round Of Fabulous Facts!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another random bunch of facts for you today.

I think I prefer the final one the best because of its irony and the fact that it illustrates that people can sometimes delude and convince themselves into believing they saw what the really didn’t.

Anyway, here they are, so choose your own favorite, but whatever you do….

Enjoy.

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The US Constitution contains many

spelling and grammatical errors.

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The term ‘Lunatic’ is derived from the Latin word ‘luna’ meaning ‘moon’.

It originated from the belief that insanity is caused by changes in the moon.

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Thirty-three light years away there is an

exoplanet completely covered in burning ice.

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James Stephen “Steve” Fossett was an American businessman,

and a record-setting aviator, sailor, and adventurer

who, in 2002, became the first person to

fly solo nonstop around the world in a balloon.

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At its peak the Roman Empire

stretched for 2.51 million square miles,

but it was only the 19th largest empire in history.

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Throughout the 1800s people were buried alive so often

that coffins included mechanisms to allow those people

to ring a bell in the graveyard.

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Homer and Langley Collyer, two compulsive hoarders,

were found buried beneath a collapsed pile of

the things they had stored in their house over the years.

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The last time a cavalry charge was used on the battlefield

was during WWII when a Mongolian cavalry division

charged a German infantry division.

Two thousand Mongolians were killed

and not a single German died.

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In ancient Egypt some servants were covered in honey

to attract flies away from the pharaoh.

(I suppose it’s better than the alternative!)

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June 28, 2014 was the 100 year anniversary of the assassination

of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria,

heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne,

who was killed in Sarajevo along with his wife Duchess Sophie

by Bosnian Serb Gavrilo Princip.

This was the incident that led to the Great War,

also now known as World War I.

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Although several notable people died on the toilet,

one of the most famous is probably Elvis Presley.

Doctors attributed his death to too many prescription drugs.

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When pizza deliveryman Brian Wells

was stopped by the police in the middle of a bank robbery

no one believed his story that he had been forced to do it

by some people he had delivered pizza to.

He kept on pleading with the officers saying that

the necklace he was wearing was a bomb.

Unfortunately for him though,

the bomb squad didn’t show up early enough.

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Almost one-seventh (840) of all the languages on Earth

are spoken in one country…

Papua New Guinea.

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When it was first built,

Disney’s Tomorrowland

was supposed to represent

the far off future year of 1986.

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A famous proponent of healthy eating and organic farming,

Jerome Irving Rodale died of a heart attack

while being interviewed on the Dick Cavett Show in 1971.

Some of his last words were that [he] would

“live to 100, unless [he was] run down by a a sugar-crazy taxi driver”.

Appearing fast asleep during the show, Dick Cavett joked

“Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?”

before discovering that his 72-year-old guest had indeed died.

Many people are convinced they saw this on TV

but the incident was never aired.

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More Of Those Questions That Needed To Be Asked…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another selection of those questions that needed to be asked, although people hardly ever do. Sadly there are no answers with them, so you can make up your own if you want to.

Enjoy.

 

 

Can a black person join the KKK?

 

When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?

 

When two men get married to each other, do they both go to the same bachelor party?

 

If a guy who was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?

 

Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?

 

Why is it that before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, and on 9/11 they never used it?

 

If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?

 

Who was Sadie Hawkins?

 

If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?

 

Why do we sing ‘Rock a bye baby’ to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

 

If parents say, ‘Never take candy from strangers’ then why do we celebrate Halloween and teach them to take candy from strangers?

 

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

 

Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?

 

What does ‘PU’ stand for (as in ‘PU, that stinks!’)?

 

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

 

If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

 

Why do people never say ‘it’s only a game’ when they’re winning?

 

Do you yawn in your sleep?

 

How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings.

 

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

 

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There Are Things We Know That We Don’t Know – Yes, It’s Twenty Questions Tuesday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Donald Rumsfeld once famously said, “…there are things we know that we don’t know”, and the only way to find out the answers to the things we know we don’t know is to ask the proper questions.

As for the things we don’t know we don’t know, well obviously we don’t even know what questions to ask do we?

Here are some more of the questions for the things we know that we don’t know.

Enjoy!

 

 

Can you daydream at night?

 

Can crop circles be square?

 

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?

 

Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as you are following the direction of the traffic?

 

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

 

If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

 

How can something be ‘new’ and ‘improved’? If it’s new, what was it improving on?

 

Why aren’t drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

 

How is it that when we ‘skate on thin ice’, we can ‘get in hot water’?

 

If laughter is the best medicine, why do people say they almost ‘died laughing’?

 

Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?

 

Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?

 

Why are they called ‘Jolly Ranchers’? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?

 

Why does ‘caregiver’ and ‘caretaker’ mean the same thing?

 

Can a short person ‘talk down’ to a taller person?

 

If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?

 

How fast do hotcakes really sell?

 

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

 

Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?

 

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