I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

fan with base

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

mysterious

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

Native Americans greeting

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

I don't care cartoon

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

go kart race

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

cartoon excited

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

CONTACT-LENS-CASE-570

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

Q

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

Walk-In-Fridge

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

ego_by_einstein

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

tree windbreak

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 two silk worms had a race

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If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 belt made of watches

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I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 logarithms brand of laxative

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 mirror

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A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 maze

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I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 mustered mustard

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I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 National Nudity Day

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My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

cut himself with a razor shaving

 

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My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 Scrabble

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A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 eraser at both ends of a pencil

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A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 flaming g

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My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 clipart comedian

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What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 query

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My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 a true story

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Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

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It’s Monday, It’s May 12th, And It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another fasab quiz.

Some difficult ones, some easy ones, and one or two that you should know but might not.

As usual if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 5

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Q.  1:  Take a quarter, multiply it by a dime, divide that total by 2 bits and add 3 nickles, and what have you got?

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Q.  2:  Name the top three cork-producing countries in the world. (And take a point for each correct answer.)

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Q.  3:  You’ve seen it thousands of times, but why was the dollar symbol ($) designed this way?

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Q.  4:  What was the name of the physician who set the leg of Lincoln’s assassin John Wilkes Booth? (A point for his last name, a bonus if you know his first name as well.)

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Q.  5:  Where in North America is the largest water clock?

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Q.  6:  What is the only letter in the alphabet that has more than one syllable?

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Q.  7:  There are six words in the English language with the letter combination “uu.” Two of them you have probably heard of, the rest are more obscure, but you get a point for each one you can name correctly.

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Q.  8:  Who are the only three angels mentioned by name in the Bible? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q.  9:  What do you call the little hole in the sink that lets the water drain out, instead of flowing over the side?

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Q. 10:  Why has the Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, twice as many bathrooms as is necessary?

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Q. 11:  What are residents of the island of Crete called? (If you spell this wrong it will be very stupid.)

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Q. 12:  And, what are residents of the island of Lesbos called?

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Q. 13:  Who was the only American president to be wounded in the Civil War?

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Q. 14:  If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) what is the total?

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Q. 15:  Where were Venetian blinds invented?

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Q. 16:  What is the southern most city in the United States?

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Q. 17:  Everyone thinks that a ‘qwerty’ computer keyboard is just the same as a typewriter keyboard, but it isn’t. What is missing from the typewriter keyboard that is always on a computer keyboard?

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Q. 18:  Where do Panama hats come from?

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Q. 19:  How many ‘Die Hard’ movies have there been  –  so far? (Bonus points for each one you can name correctly. Double bonus if you know the years.)

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Q. 20:  What was the first video ever played on MTV Europe?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Take a quarter, multiply it by a dime, divide that total by 2 bits and add 3 nickles, and what have you got?

A.  1:  Answer = 25  (25 x 10) / (2 x 12.5) + (3 x 5)  =  25

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Q.  2:  Name the top three cork-producing countries in the world. (And take a point for each correct answer.)

A.  2:  The top three cork-producing countries are Spain, Portugal and Algeria.

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Q.  3:  You’ve seen it thousands of times, but why was the dollar symbol ($) designed this way?

A.  3:  The dollar symbol ($) is a U combined with an S (U.S.)

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Q.  4:  What was the name of the physician who set the leg of Lincoln’s assassin John Wilkes Booth? (A point for his last name, a bonus if you know his first name as well.)

A.  4:  Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln’s assassin John Wilkes Booth … and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, “His name is Mudd.”

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Q.  5:  Where in North America is the largest water clock?

A.  5:  The largest water clock in North America is at the shopping mall in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada.

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Q.  6:  What is the only letter in the alphabet that has more than one syllable?

A.  6:  ‘W’ is the only letter in the alphabet that has more than one syllable… it has three.

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Q.  7:  There are six words in the English language with the letter combination “uu.” Two of them you have probably heard of, the rest are more obscure, but you get a point for each one you can name correctly.

A.  7:  The six words in the English language with the letter combination “uu” are:                                         Muumuu, vacuum, continuum, duumvirate, duumvir and residuum.

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Q.  8:  Who are the only three angels mentioned by name in the Bible? (A point for each correct answer.)

A.  8:  The three angels mentioned by name in the Bible are Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer.

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Q.  9:  What do you call the little hole in the sink that lets the water drain out, instead of flowing over the side?

A.  9:  The little hole in the sink that lets the water drain out, instead of flowing over the side, is called a “porcelator”.

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Q. 10:  Why has the Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, twice as many bathrooms as is necessary?

A. 10:  The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary because when it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

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Q. 11:  What are residents of the island of Crete called? (If you spell this wrong it will be very stupid.)

A. 11:  They are called Cretans. (Deduct a point if you said Cretins!)

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Q. 12:  And, what are residents of the island of Lesbos called?

A. 12:  Residents of the island of Lesbos are Lesbosians, rather than Lesbians. (Of course, lesbians are called lesbians because Sappho was from Lesbos.)

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Q. 13:  Who was the only American president to be wounded in the Civil War?

A. 13:  Rutherford B. Hayes was the only president to be wounded in the Civil War — not once, but four times. Four horses were shot out from beneath him.

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Q. 14:  If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) what is the total?

A. 14:  If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050.

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Q. 15:  Where were Venetian blinds invented?

A. 15:  You’d think it should be Venice, but Venetian blinds were invented in Japan.

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Q. 16:  What is the southern most city in the United States?

A. 16:  The southern most city in the United States is Na’alehu, Hawaii.

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Q. 17:  Everyone thinks that a ‘qwerty’ computer keyboard is just the same as a typewriter keyboard, but it isn’t. What is missing from the typewriter keyboard that is always on a computer keyboard?

A. 17:  The back slash is missing. Before the age of computers, typewriters only had one type of slash, the forward slash (/). Even earlier versions hadn’t even got that! Bet you never even noticed.

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Q. 18:  Where do Panama hats come from?

A. 18:  Panama hats are made in Equador.

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Q. 19:  How many ‘Die Hard’ movies have there been  –  so far? (Bonus points for each one you can name correctly. Double bonus if you know the years.)

A. 19:  There have been five ‘Die Hard’ movies so far, ‘Die Hard’ (1988), ‘Die Hard 2’ (1990), ‘Die Hard with a Vengeance’ (1995), ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ (2007) and ‘A Good Day to Die Hard’ (2013).

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Q. 20:  What was the first video ever played on MTV Europe?

A. 20:  The first video ever played on MTV Europe was “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits.

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A Day Not Sober Is Often A Day Wasted!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

hilly areas

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

howdy

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

autocorrect dad-mom-out

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

big-mamas-undies

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

suits-that-fit-bad-too-big-too-smal1

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

sicily_malta_map

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

turndown

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My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

up2u

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

22-carat-gold-toilet-paper-for-the-rich-and-stupid-from-the-toilet-paper-man-in-australia-theflyingtortoise

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

anser_erythropus

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

bad kids

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

cartoon-removal-men

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

writing

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

naan

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

drunk-girl

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What’s Ice? – Skid Stuff!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It will all be over by this time next week, so today has to be the day for a special Christmas helping of seasonal puns.

Get your groans ready – you’re really going to need them this time!

Enjoy.

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rofl

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What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

Dancing-Santa-Reindeer-Funny-Christmas-GIF

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What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has no L.

christmas_animated_gifs_14

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What does Tarzan sing at Christmas time?

Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.

26

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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

christmas_animated_gifs_16

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What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

christmas-gift-box13

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How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

Merry Christmas Gif 17

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What’s the best present for a train conductor?

Platform shoes.

Christmas train

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What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?

Silent Night.

carolers

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Before it starts to sell its Christmas trees

the garden center gets really spruced up!

christmas_animated_gifs_reindeer

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Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

christmas_animated_gif_41

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What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

dancingsanta_e0

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Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

christmas-animated-elf

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What Santa had a motorbike instead of a sleigh, what kind would it be?

A Holly Davidson of course!

Holly D Santa biker

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If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?

A subordinate Claus.

santa-animated-elf-1

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“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

Santa_and_Reindeer

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What does a reindeer do when he has an upset stomach?

He takes an elk-a-seltzer.

xmas-bird3

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What do you call an ELF who sings?

A Wrapper!

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Controversial Post? – Should We Get Rid Of Homos?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some blogs meander along trying to be very politically correct. But not here at fasab. Controversial or not, the philosophy here is to tell it as it is.

So to repeat the question in the title…. 

Should we get rid of homos?

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Of course, I’m talking about homographs and homophones – I don’t know what YOU were thinking of?

If you are a regular visitor to this blog you will know that quite often we have a look at amusing misprints or mistakes on signs, classified ads, newspaper headlines, or wherever else they can be found.

Nearly always the problem is peoples’ failure to grasp the intricacies of the English language.

If you are born and bred in an English speaking country then it is relatively easy to grasp the basics of the language, although there is a steady deterioration in some of these, like speleling for example. (That was a deliberate mistake for comic affect by the way.)

So what about the homos then?

For those who haven’t made up their mind yet, a homograph – (also known as a heteronym, but where would have been the fun in that title?) – is a word of the same written form as another but of different meaning and usually different origin.

Sometimes it is pronounced the same as the other word, in which case it is known as a homograph.

homograph definition

Sometimes they are pronounced differently, in which case they are called homophones.

homophone definition

An example of the former is the word “letter” which is pronounced the same whether the meaning is a message written to someone, or to describe a particular member of the alphabet such as ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’, etc.

An example of the latter could be the word “lead” which is pronounced differently if it means a metal (“the lead was very heavy”), or to be the front runner of a group of people (“he was in the lead”).

There are a lot more homos around than you might at first think. Here are just a few examples I saw recently. I hope you find them interesting and maybe even begin to realize what a nightmare learning the English language must be for those not immersed in it from a very young age.

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1) The bandage was “wound” around the “wound”.

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2) The farm was used to “produce” “produce”.

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3) The dump was so full that it had to “refuse” more “refuse”.

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4) We must “polish” the “Polish” furniture.

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5) He could “lead” if he would get the “lead” out.

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6) The soldier decided to “desert”  his “dessert” in the “desert”.

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7) Since there is no time like the “present”, he thought it was time to “present” the “present”.

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8) A “bass” was painted on the head of the “bass” drum.

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9) When shot at the “dove”  “dove” into the bushes.

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10) I did not “object” to the “object”.

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11) The insurance was “invalid” for the “invalid”.

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12) There was a “row” among the oarsmen about how to “row”.

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13) They were too “close” to the door to “close” it.

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14) The buck “does” funny things when the “does” are present.

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15) A seamstress and a “sewer” fell down into a “sewer” line.

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16) The farmer used a “sow” to help him “sow” the crop.

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17) The “wind” was too strong to “wind” the sail.

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18) Upon seeing the “tear” in the painting I shed a “tear”.

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19) I had to “subject” the “subject” to a series of tests.

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20) How can I “intimate” this to my most “intimate” friend?

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Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. 

For example, there are no “eggs” in “eggplant”, nor “ham” in “hamburger”.  

There is neither “pine” nor “apple” in “pineapple”.

“English” muffins weren’t invented in “England” nor “French” fries in “France”.

“Sweetmeats” are “sweet” but are candies and not “meats”, whereas “sweetbreads” are neither “sweet” nor “bread”, but in fact meat.

Boxing “rings” are “square” and a “guinea pig” is neither from “Guinea” nor is it a “pig”.

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And why is it that “writers” “write”, but “fingers” don’t “fing”, “grocers” don’t “groce” and “hammers” don’t “ham”?

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If the plural of “tooth” is “teeth”, why isn’t the plural of “booth”, “beeth”? Why one “index”, but two or more “indices”?  Or why do you have one “goose” and two “geese”, and one “moose” but never two “meese”?

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You can make “amends” but what do you do if you have just one thing to amend? Or if you have a bunch of “odds and ends” and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call what’s left?

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If teachers “taught”, why didn’t preachers “praught”?

And if a “vegetarian” eats vegetables, what does a “humanitarian” eat?

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In what other language would people “recite at a play” and “play at a recital”; have “noses” that “run” and “feet” that “smell”; or send a “shipment” by “car” and “cargo” by “ship”?

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How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” be the same, while a “wise man” and a “wise guy” are opposites?

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Or why can people like the Amish “raise” a barn, meaning to “erect” a building, whereas everywhere else when we “raise” a building to the ground we mean we “demolish” it?

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You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn “up” as it burns “down”; in which you “fill in” a form by “filling it out”; and in which an alarm goes “off” by going “on”.

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Even when you are standing still you can be part of the human “race” and you can look at the stars which are visible when they are “out”, unlike a light which is invisible when it is “out”.

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Finally, there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP”.

It’s easy to understand “UP”, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we “wake UP”? At a meeting, why does a topic “come UP”? Why do we “speak UP”?

Or do what I am going to do now, which is to “shut UP”.

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