I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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May Day, May Day? Nope, Just Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mayday? No emergency here, unless you are allergic to bad jokes.

Coz it’s Pun Day again!

Enjoy or endure.

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I’m in dispute with my TV program supplier

as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.  

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My favourite pick up line…

‘Pick that up’        

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Breaking News:

“UN-Staffed office bombed”

Phew, just as well there was no-one there then.      

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Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said,

“Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.”

Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humour?

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My New Year’s resolution is to save

enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it. 

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God is talking to one of his angels. He says,

“Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of

alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

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I came downstairs this morning

to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

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I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.

I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” 

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Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

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I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden

death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.

He followed a few leads.

Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

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My son was up all night answering questions about resistors.

His Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

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Towards the end of the Jurassic period,

the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become

extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

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Body-snatching.

It’s not the winning,

it’s the taking parts that counts.

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This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator

was working fine, today it isn’t working at all.

It just doesn’t add up.

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When I was a boy, my friends said

quoting songs would get me nowhere.

Well, Against All Odds, Take A Look At Me Now.

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