Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

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I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

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I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

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My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

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I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

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What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

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Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

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I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

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What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

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According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

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Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

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Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

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I Really Can’t Stand Sitting Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I bet you can’t stand sitting down either. It’s not easy.

But what is easy is having a look at some more puns.

So here you are.

Enjoy or endure!

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I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.

What are the chances?

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Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.

They’re just stereotypes.

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A contestant accused me of being an unfair quiz host.

Point taken.

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I was walking down the street.

This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

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Bilbo Baggins has died.

I read it in the hobbituary column.

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Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

“Careful here,” says one of them.

“My mountain guide fell down there last year.”

“I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other.

“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”

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My friend just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;

He said he couldn’t hear it very well, though.

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I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end

and found there to be a twist in the tale.

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I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got

a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.

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Our Marriage Guidance Counsellor said my wife and I

needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned to my wife and said

”see, even she thinks you’re fat”

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It took me ages to change all my clocks.

There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back!

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I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable garden tonight.

Lettuce turnip the beet.

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I haven’t used my eBook reader for a while.

Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

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How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

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And speaking of hair, The Beatles’ song,

“Love Me Do” was written by John Lennon

after he’d had a really good haircut.

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“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

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I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

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My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

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I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

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I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

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I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

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Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

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I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

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I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

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You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

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You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

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I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

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After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

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As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

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I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

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Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

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The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

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I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

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Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

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The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

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I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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