A Simile Is Like A Metaphor – Literally!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I was going to introduce today’s post by saying some like “I hope you are having a pun-tastic week”, but I thought I would sound like a demented DJ from the 1970s.

So I’ll just say hello and welcome and let you get on with the puns.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Lite:

the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

Lite

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I was asked to man the phones

at work the other day.

So I went round and drew a

little mustache on all of them.

phone with moustache

 

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Spelling…

It’s not brian surgery.

medical_brain-surgery

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Hamlet:

A small pig.

small pig with guitar

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According to my Spanish doctor

I have Hepatitis Yes

si

 

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My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction

before I got carried away.

helium addiction

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2B or not 2B?

I don’t think I’ve ever put this much thought

into which shade of pencil to use before.

2b or not 2b [encils

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‘UK Man has first hand transplant.’

Surely that’s a second hand transplant.

hand transplant

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I was taking a short cut across a field the other day,

I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said,

“Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?”

I replied, “No, it wasn’t me, that’s not my stile”

stile

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Someone told me if you

smack a fish before frying it,

the meat will taste fresher.

What a load of codswallop.

cod

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I’ve just accidentally superglued my fingers

to a copy of my autobiography.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

super glue

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Me and my limbo dancing team

go way back

limbo dancing

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Another Monday, Another Quiz Day.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes folks, another Monday and another Quiz Day.

I hope you enjoy trying this challenging selection of questions.

And as usual if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz confused1

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Q.  1:  What demands an answer, but asks no questions?

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Q.  2:  What type of creature is a ‘Bonito’?

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Q.  3:  What part of the body has the greatest capacity to cool itself?

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Q.  4:  In what country was ‘Canadian Club’ whiskey first distilled?

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Q.  5:  What name is given to a person that stuffs animals for display?

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Q.  6:  What is unusual about the ‘crab eating seal’?

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Q.  7:  For what process do plants need sunlight, CO2 and water?

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Q.  8:  What is the name for an animal that feeds on (a) plants and (b) meat? (You get a point for each correct answer.)

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Q.  9:  What is hydrophobia more commonly known as (clue: it’s not the fear of water)?

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Q. 10:  What is the smallest bird in the world?

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Q. 11:  What name is given to calcite deposits (a) suspended from cave roofs and (b) the formations that rise from the floor of a cave due to the accumulation of material deposited from ceiling drippings? (You get a point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 12:  In physics, what is defined as something that causes a change in the acceleration of an object?

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Q. 13:  Which element is used in the manufacture of computer microprocessors?

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Q. 14:  What is mixed with steel to make it stainless?

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Q. 15:  What is the collective name for a group of finches?

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Q. 16:  What is the angle between the hands of a clock at 1 o’clock?

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Q. 17:  How many men’s names are there in the standard phonetic alphabet and what are they? (Score one point for the correct total and a point for each name you answer correctly.)

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Q. 18:  With which branch of medicine is Mesmer associated?

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Q. 19:  Guglielmo Marconi pioneered the development of what?

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Q. 20:  What type of animal is a ‘silverback’?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What demands an answer, but asks no questions?

A.  1:  A telephone.

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Q.  2:  What type of creature is a ‘Bonito’?

A.  2:  A fish (between mackerel and tuna)

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Q.  3:  What part of the body has the greatest capacity to cool itself?

A.  3:  The hands.

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Q.  4:  In what country was ‘Canadian Club’ whiskey first distilled?

A.  4:  The USA (Detroit, in 1858 by American Hiram Walker using the brand Walker’s Club Whiskey – he subsequently moved the business to Ontario where it was renamed in 1889.)

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Q.  5:  What name is given to a person that stuffs animals for display?

A.  5:  A Taxidermist.

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Q.  6:  What is unusual about the ‘crab eating seal’?

A.  6:  It doesn’t eat crabs.

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Q.  7:  For what process do plants need sunlight, CO2 and water?

A.  7:  Photosynthesis.

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Q.  8:  What is the name for an animal that feeds on (a) plants and (b) meat? (You get a point for each correct answer.)

A.  8:  Answer (a) herbivore and (b) carnivore.

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Q.  9:  What is hydrophobia more commonly known as (clue: it’s not the fear of water)?

A.  9:  Rabies.

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Q. 10:  What is the smallest bird in the world?

A. 10:  The hummingbird.

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Q. 11:  What name is given to calcite deposits (a) suspended from cave roofs and (b) the formations that rise from the floor of a cave due to the accumulation of material deposited from ceiling drippings? (You get a point for each correct answer.)

A. 11:  Answer (a) Stalactites hang from the cave roof and (b) Stalagmites rise from the cave floor.

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Q. 12:  In physics, what is defined as something that causes a change in the acceleration of an object?

A. 12:  A Force.

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Q. 13:  Which element is used in the manufacture of computer microprocessors?

A. 13:  Silicon – hence Silicon Valley in California where most of the major internet companies are based.

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Q. 14:  What is mixed with steel to make it stainless?

A. 14:  Chromium.

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Q. 15:  What is the collective name for a group of finches?

A. 15:  A Charm.

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Q. 16:  What is the angle between the hands of a clock at 1 o’clock?

A. 16:  30 degrees  (360 / 12).  

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Q. 17:  How many men’s names are there in the standard phonetic alphabet and what are they? (Score one point for the correct total and a point for each name you answer correctly.)

A. 17:  There are 5 men’s names in the standard phonetic alphabet; they are Charlie, Mike, Oscar, Romeo, and Victor.

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Q. 18:  With which branch of medicine is Mesmer associated?

A. 18:  Hypnotism.

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Q. 19:  Guglielmo Marconi pioneered the development of what?

A. 19:  Radio.

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Q. 20:  What type of animal is a ‘silverback’?

A. 20:  An adult male gorilla is called a ‘silverback’ because of the distinctive silvery fur growing on their back and hips. Each gorilla family has a ‘silverback’ as leader who scares away other animals by standing on their back legs and beating their chest!

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Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

psyneaky

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

plaice

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

the_vegetarian_butcher

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

TeflonVelcro

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

googling_cartoon

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

xerox-cards

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

broken-heart-icon

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

cartoon-brain-1

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

gold-nugget-smiling

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

contortionist

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

polling-cartoon

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

doorbell

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

Woman wrapping paper

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

bond-martini_header

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

wolverine

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Feeling Smart? Good, Coz It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another random selection of questions in today’s quiz.

This has become quite a long running feature on the fasab blog. I enjoy putting them together, I hope you all continue to enjoy trying them out.

As always you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating! 

Enjoy.

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puzzle

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Q.  1:  What is Bugs Bunny’s catchphrase?

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Q.  2:  Where in the USA is the Sonoma wine growing region?

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Q.  3:  Which sad word stems from the combined Greek words for goat and song?

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Q.  4:  In ‘Star Trek’, from which planet did Spock’s mother come?

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Q.  5:  Which animal is not a Chinese year? 

    a. Ox    b. Crow    c. Hare    d. Goat

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Q.  6:  Who is the only American President to have served non-consecutive terms in office?

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Q.  7:  Thomas Selfridge was the first fatality in a plane crash. Who was the pilot?

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Q.  8:  In which American town or city was the ‘Little House On The Prairie’ TV series set?

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Q.  9:  If you saw ‘canard’ on a French Menu, what type of meat would be on offer?

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Q. 10:  Which historical character did Errol Flynn play in the 1941 movie ‘They Died With Their Boots On’?

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Q. 11:  Whose face is said to have launched a thousand ships?

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Q. 12:  Who directed ‘Jaws’, ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ and ‘ET’?

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Q. 13:  What are the three styles of port? (a point for each)

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Q. 14:  Which country has special tea houses and is famous for it’s elaborate tea ceremonies?

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Q. 15:  Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce are the only two characters that have appeared in seven seasons of the TV series ‘24’. What does Aaron Pierce do for a living?

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Q. 16:  Alan Shepard was the first man to do what?

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Q. 17:  Plus or minus 10, what percentage of the life forms on earth live in the oceans and seas?

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Q. 18:  The car in the ‘Knightrider’ series was called ‘KITT’. What does this acronym stand for?

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Q. 19:  Who sucked apple sauce to become the first American to eat in space?

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Q. 20:  The Academy Award winning song ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ was written for which classic 1940 movie?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What is Bugs Bunny’s catchphrase?

A.  1:  ‘Whats Up Doc?’

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Q.  2:  Where in the USA is the Sonoma wine growing region?

A.  2:  California

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Q.  3:  Which sad word stems from the combined Greek words for goat and song?

A.  3:  Tragedy

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Q.  4:  In ‘Star Trek’, from which planet did Spock’s mother come?

A.  4:  Earth

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Q.  5:  Which animal is not a Chinese year? 

    a. Ox    b. Crow    c. Hare    d. Goat

A.  5:  b. Crow

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Q.  6:  Who is the only American President to have served non-consecutive terms in office?

A.  6:  Grover Cleveland

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Q.  7:  Thomas Selfridge was the first fatality in a plane crash. Who was the pilot?

A.  7:  Orville Wright

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Q.  8:  In which American town or city was the ‘Little House On The Prairie’ TV series set?

A.  8:  Walnut Grove

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Q.  9:  If you saw ‘canard’ on a French Menu, what type of meat would be on offer?

A.  9:  Duck

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Q. 10:  Which historical character did Errol Flynn play in the 1941 movie ‘They Died With Their Boots On’?

A. 10:  General Custer

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Q. 11:  Whose face is said to have launched a thousand ships?

A. 11:  Helen of Troy

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Q. 12:  Who directed ‘Jaws’, ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ and ‘ET’?

A. 12:  Steven Spielberg

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Q. 13:  What are the three styles of port? (a point for each)

A. 13:  Ruby, tawny and vintage

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Q. 14:  Which country has special tea houses and is famous for it’s elaborate tea ceremonies?

A. 14:  Japan

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Q. 15:  Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce are the only two characters that have appeared in seven seasons of the TV series ‘24’. What does Aaron Pierce do for a living?

A. 15:  Secret Service agent

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Q. 16:  Alan Shepard was the first man to do what?

A. 16:  Hit a golf ball on the moon

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Q. 17:  Plus or minus 10, what percentage of the life forms on earth live in the oceans and seas?

A. 17:  Circa 90%

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Q. 18:  The car in the ‘Knightrider’ series was called ‘KITT’. What does this acronym stand for?

A. 18:  Knight Industries Two Thousand

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Q. 19:  Who sucked apple sauce to become the first American to eat in space?

A. 19:  John Glenn

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Q. 20:  The Academy Award winning song ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ was written for which classic 1940 movie?

A. 20:  Pinocchio

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