Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

.

 

I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

.

.

Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

.

.

I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

.

.

My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

.

.

I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

.

.

What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

.

.

Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

.

.

I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

.

.

What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

.

.

According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

.

.

Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

.

.

Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

.

=========================

.

To Be Fair, It Needs To Stop Raining.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But of course sometimes life isn’t fair.

Sometimes it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Tink my postmn is a thif

My leters keep gong misin

.

.

I asked a French bloke

if he played video games.

He said Wii.

.

.

Chickens don’t have friends.

They only have pen pals.

.

.

I was sent on an anger management course.

Apparently it’s all the rage.

.

.

Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before

letting his girlfriend use his computer

….wookie error

.

.

My brother takes part in a weather

predicting contest every month.

He’s the raining champion.

.

.

I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl…

She never looked forward to anything.

.

.

There was a knock at the front door.

My wife answered it and said to me

”there’s a man at the door with a bald head’‘.

I said ‘‘tell him to get lost, I’ve already got one’‘

.

.

I’m directing a cowboy movie called ‘The Sun’.

It’s set in the west.

.

.

My wife just spent $100 getting a bikini wax.

What a flipping rip off.

.

.

Is anyone here called Allen?

I think I found your keys

.

.

I’m an alcoholic and have frittered the best 

years of my life away looking at the world

through the bottom of a glass.

All I ask for is another shot.

.

.

There’s a certain stigma attached

to reproduction organs,

especially in flowers.

.

.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu,

wanted to illegally live in America.

The brothers decide to change

their names to seem more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu got sent back to China.

.

.

I went to a Motown reunion last night and

promised myself I wouldn’t suck up to any of the artists…

But The Temptations were there.

.

.

======================================

.

 

Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

.

.

Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

.

.

Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

.

.

You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

.

.

Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

.

.

I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

.

.

I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

.

.

Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

.

.

A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

.

.

Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

.

.

There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

.

.

I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

.

.

My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

.

.

My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

.

.

One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

.

=======================================

.