More Stupid Signs By Stupid People For Stupid People.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Catering for the lowest common denominator in intelligence can be very frustrating for the rest of us.

But apparently stupidity has reached levels today where stupid people will hurt themselves with things that shouldn’t hurt them, if they had the wit to understand what they were and how use them properly.

Personally I think there is some merit in letting them get on with it and perhaps thereby gradually eliminating chronic stupidity from the gene pool.

In the meantime all we can do is cringe and laugh.

Here are some more.

Enjoy.

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“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.”

On a 6 x 10 inch inflatable picture frame.

 

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“Do not put in mouth.”

On a box of bottle rockets.

 

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“Remove plastic before eating.”

On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

 

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“Not dishwasher safe.”

On a remote control for a TV.

 

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“For lifting purposes only.”

On the box for a car jack.

 

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“Do not put lit candles on phone.”

On the instructions for a cordless phone.

 

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“Warning! This is not underwear!

Do not attempt to put in pants.”

On the packaging for a wristwatch.

 

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“Safe for use around pets.”

On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

 

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“No stopping or standing.”

A sign at bus stops everywhere.

 

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“Do not sit under coconut trees.”

A sign on a coconut palm in a

West Palm Beach park circa 1950.

 

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“These rows reserved for parents with children.”

A sign in a church.

 

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“All cups leaving this store, whether

full or empty, must be paid for.”

A sign in a Cumberland Farms

in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.

 

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Some More Politicians Who Managed To Get Their Feet In Their Mouths.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It always amazes me that politicians, who should be well aware that every word they say will be recorded somewhere, are so prone to speak without thinking.

On the other hand maybe they do think about what they are going to say and see nothing wrong with it. That is a very distinct possibility.

Either way it’s good for the rest of us.

We all like to laugh and who better to laugh at than a stupid politician.

Enjoy.

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”Feminism was established so as

to allow unattractive women easier access

to the mainstream of society.”

Rush Limbaugh

 

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“Schwarzenegger is going to find out that,

unlike a Hollywood movie set,

the bullets coming at him in this campaign

are going to be real bullets.”

Bob Mulholland, campaign adviser

for the California Democratic Party

 

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 “We are not without accomplishment.

We have managed to distribute poverty equally.”

Nguen Co Thatch,

Vietnamese Foreign Minister.

 

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“When the President does it

that means that it’s not illegal.”

Richard M. Nixon

 

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“During my service in

the United States Congress,

I took the initiative in

creating the Internet.”

 Al Gore.

 

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“Exercise freaks

… are the ones putting stress

on the health care system.”

Rush Limbaugh

 

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“Capital punishment is our way

of demonstrating the sanctity of life.”

Orrin Hatch

 

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“If you’ve seen one city slum,

you’ve seen them all.”

Spiro Agnew

 

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“From time to time there are going to

be things that occur that are acts of God

that cannot be prevented.”

Rick Perry,

on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, in 2010

 

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”Well, I learned a lot….

I went down to (Latin America) to find out

from them and (learn) their views.

You’d be surprised.

They’re all individual countries.”

Ronald Reagan

 

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“We know that no one person can succeed

unless everybody else succeeds.”

Howard Dean.

 

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“The more toppings a man has on his pizza,

I believe the more manly he is.

A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables!

He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Herman Cain

 

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“What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind.

Or not to have a mind at all.

How true that is.”

Vice President Dan Quayle

 

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“I’ve now been in 57 states

– I think one left to go.”

Barack Obama

at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon.

 

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“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.”

Joe Biden

to Missouri State Sen. Chuck Graham

… who’s in a wheelchair

 

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“In America,

anybody may become president,

and I suppose it’s just one of the risks you take.”

Adlai Stevenson

two-time Democratic presidential nominee

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It’s A Funny Old World

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It definitely is a funny old world, especially when it comes to global warming and particularly the reasons for it happening – even though it isn’t.

It has also been funny watching all the pseudo-scientist and political upstarts trying to jump on this bandwagon to try to promote themselves in the public eye. Al Gore managed to bag himself a discredited Nobel Peace Prize and millions of dollars with his well timed trip on this gravy train. Although I still don’t know what global warming had to do with a prize for peace because as far as I know they hold wars in all temperatures!

I say “global warming” because that was what they called it. Scientists even falsified data to “prove” that the planet was getting hotter and hotter because of the increased emissions of carbon dioxide generated by us, people. We may well be in the midst of a climate cycle, but the reliable evidence does not show that it’s our fault. Nor is it the fault of too many cows letting too many farts, which was another one of the not so scientific theories that was doing the rounds a few years ago.

Then there was the theory that the Polar ice caps were all going to melt, raising the sea level so much most of us would drown. Technically I suppose if you were keen enough you could drown in a couple of inches of water, but I think personally I would just pull on my gumboots and walk casually toward some higher ground.

Unfortunately for it’s supporters, the REAL evidence has been showing little or no change in average temperatures, certainly not the apocalyptic amounts forecast by the flawed models of the global warming scientists.

On that very subject, some of these scientists are currently “baffled” by the fact that, rather than the Polar ice caps melting, there now seems to be an all-time record area of sea covered by ice around the Antarctic’s coasts.

The beautifully named lead scientist at the US National Snow and Ice Data Center, Ted Scambos, admitted “What we’re learning is, we have more to learn,” as he announced the latest annual sea ice maximum for the austral continent.

The sea ice surrounding the Antarctic continent reached its maximum extent on September 22, 2014, at 20.11 million square kilometers (7.76 million square miles). This is 1.54 million square kilometers (595,000 square miles) ABOVE the 1981 to 2010 average extent, which is nearly four standard deviations above average.

This new record follows consecutive record winter maximum extents in 2012 and 2013. The reasons for this recent rapid growth are not clear. Climate scientists have been puzzled by the behavior of the southern ice for many years.

You have to laugh as you watch the pro-global warming scientists squirm as they try to fight off reality by proclaiming that their forecasts should be correct and what is actually happening should be wrong!

Suck it up guys, whoever created the model to show that the icecaps would melt was wrong, not the ice caps!

In fact, air temperatures have been steady for the last fifteen years and more, and deep ocean temperatures are not increasing either. They call it a mystery. The real mystery is why anyone still takes them seriously!

But, remarkably, a lot of gullible people still do. When it became too obvious that there was no global warming, rather than giving up their lucrative money and publicity maker, it’s proponents simply changed the name from “global warming” to the more generalized “climate change”.

And as recently as the last weekend of September, hundreds of thousands of these idiots turned out in the ‘People’s Climate March’ in New York City calling for governments to address the so-called “crisis” surrounding climate change. The demonstration was timed to coincide with a meeting at the United Nations to discuss how countries can come together to combat temperature fluctuations, hurricanes, tornadoes, drought, blizzards and other forces of nature.

So, if the evidence does not back up the theory of global warming (er, I mean… climate change) being the fault of mankind, why do governments persist in wasting time on the subject with wide-ranging plans and conferences in a host of different countries?

There are various reasons.

Politicians like Obama used it to get himself elected and has had to stick with the lie ever since or back down and publicly admit he was a fool. Other politicians in other countries are similarly caught.

Also a false crisis like global warming is a welcome distraction from some of the real crises we are facing due to continued government incompetence.

And the manufacturing of a global warming crisis leaves the way open for the imposition of “carbon taxes” and other spurious ways for governments to try to steal our money. Watch so-called “carbon taxes” being levied on corporations who will no doubt pass on the cost to the people who buy their products.

Yes, that’s you and me, folks. We’re going to have to pay to fix something that isn’t even broken!

It’s painful to have to watch this going on. Even more so when there seems to be nothing that we can do to bring stupid people to their senses. All you can do is have a rant now again.

Oh, look, I just did!

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I Never Question Myself. Why Should I Start Now?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

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I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

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My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

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I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

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My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

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Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

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I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

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My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

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I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

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I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

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My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

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My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

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I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

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My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

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Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

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Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

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A Day Not Sober Is Often A Day Wasted!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

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My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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Stupid Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Regrettably I think we are coming close to end of my supply of stupid quiz show answers. It has been a good series and actually lasted a lot longer than I first thought. And some of them have been very amusing as well. All in all it has been well received.

I’ll call this the penultimate selection. It may contain some repeats, but they made me laugh when I read them again and if they do that then I hope they may do the same for you too.

Enjoy.

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Q. What “U” are the Eastern Europeans who originated the tradition of painting Easter eggs?

A.  Yugoslavians

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Q.  What “S” is the nearest star to the earth?      

A.  Saturn

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Q.  Name a drink you recognize by its smell      

A.  Potatoes

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Q.  Something a husband and wife should have separate of       

A.  Parents

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Q.  Name a hobby people take up for the thrills involved

A.  Stamp collecting

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Q.  Name a word that starts with the letter Q      

A.  Cute

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Q.  Name a signer of the Declaration of Independence   

A.  Thomas Edison

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Q.  Something that lets a burglar know that a house is unoccupied         

A.  No people in the house

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Q.  Like “sugar bowl”, a bowl that’s named for the substance it contains

A.  Toilet bowl

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Q.  Name a fictional island        

A.  Rhode Island

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Q. Name one of Santa’s reindeer

A.  Nixon

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Q.  Name a beverage you stir before drinking    

A.  Water

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Q.  Name the heaviest item in your house

A.  600 pounds

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Q.  Something starting with “egg”          

A.  Excellent

A.  Eggland

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Q.  Name an actor who played a gangster

A.  Al Capone

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Q.  Name a character from the movie Aladdin    

A.  Jihad

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Q.  Name something with claws 

A.  Christmas

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Q.  A man’s name that starts with the letter “P”   

A.  Porcupine

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Q.  Name a pie that does not contain fruit

A.  Lemon Meringue

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Q.  Name a room in the house where the family gathers  

A.  Bathroom

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Why Are Puns So Popular?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’ve been doing puns for a while now and it seems that a lot of other people like them too. I just can’t figure out the reason. I mean the jokes themselves are, to say the least, sometimes contrived and quite bad. Yet people groan, grimace and laugh and come back for more – me included, I’m just not sure why.

If you think you have the answer do let me know.

Meantime enjoy this week’s selection.

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The other day someone left a piece of silly putty in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

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My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.

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Some people are making Rapture jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

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Tea is for mugs.

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Did you hear about the physics student who couldn’t understand quantum theory? He was thicker than a Planck!

Max Planck (1858 – 1917), German physicist considered the founder of the quantum theory.

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A woman was attacked by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her.

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Wind turbines. I’m a big fan.

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NBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. How fast must they have been walking?

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Don’t you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

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Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.

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A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

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“So, how’s life in North Korea?”

“Well, I can’t complain.”

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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?  It’s not hard.

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Cocaine is never a solution. Unless, of course, you dissolve it in water.

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I got a phone call from electric company to say my bill was outstanding. I said, “Thanks!”

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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

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When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

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