All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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As A Rule Of Thumb, Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But as a rule of thumb I like puns.

Hope you do too.

Here are some more.

Enjoy!

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My Japanese penpal dropped out of school recently.

He’s taken leave of his Senseis.

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I’ve got a new job stacking shelves at a supermarket for big, tall men.

It keeps me on my toes.

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I was chatting to someone about cylindrical fasteners earlier,

it was a riveting conversation.

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Skiers don’t have drunken arguments,

they just storm off-piste.

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I used to be the managing director of the world’s largest ladder company.

Until I was asked to step down.

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A friend asked if I wanted to buy his motor boat.

I jumped at the chance and bought both.

I can keep the boat on the moat.

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My friend sells knives for a living and he said if I posted

this on the internet he’d give me a cut.

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What numbskull called it the Police / Fire Department Headquarters

and not Guns and Hoses?

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I went for a job interview with the hacking group Anonymous.

Introduced myself…

And that was the end of the interview

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Just read in the news, that there’s going to be a beauty contest

where all the models are dressed up in newspaper pages.

It must be a Miss Print.

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The A- eam.

Hey, missed a T.

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I went through a lot to be with my girlfriend.

She was standing at the other end of the car park.

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I wish I’d never joined the S and M club.

They tied me into a long term contract.

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A driver waved at me to stop my car and asked if I could change attire.

Why would someone assume that I would keep spare clothes with me!

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Heck is where people go to

who don’t believe in Golly.

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Something tells me my posture might not be so great,

I don’t know.

I just have a hunch.

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Two red blood cells met and fell in love.

But alas, it was in vein.

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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

Now we sell smoothies.

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Man, you get a load of boos when

you turn up to an AA meeting pissed.

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I turned up to a McDonald’s job interview

riding piggyback on a Burger King employee.

“Could I just ask what the hell you’re doing?”

the receptionist asked curtly.

“Well,” I explained patiently, “the woman on the phone told me

I should report to Reception on a rival” 

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Did You Know? Another Twenty Fascinating Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another round of twenty fascinating facts for you to survey.

Random as ever there is sure to be something in here that you didn’t know.

Enjoy.

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Duct tape was developed in 1942 for use by the U.S. Army

as a waterproof sealing tape for ammunition boxes.

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There is a Librarian of Congress.

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Because they were unable to prevent the use of the word “spam”

to represent unwanted email messages,

the Hormel company now uses all-capital letters

in referencing its canned pork product.

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The phrase “goody two shoes” comes from a fable

written in 1766 by Oliver Goldsmith

about a poor little girl who could only afford one shoe.

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Aardvark is Afrikaans for earth pig

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Wrigley’s gum was the first product with

a bar code to be scanned at a supermarket.

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Michael Jackson attempted to buy Marvel Comics in the 1990s

because he wanted to play Spiderman.

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M&M’s stands for Mars and Murrie’s

the last names of the candy’s founders.

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Hitler and Napoleon had only one testicle

(each, of course, that is!)

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The speed of sound must be exceeded

to produce a sonic boom.

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41% of women apply body or hand moisturizer

a minimum three times a day

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One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately

one million gallons of fresh water.

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The American Automobile association was formed in 1905

for the sole purpose of warning motorists of police speed traps.

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One Neptune year lasts 165 Earth years.

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Former U.S. President Franklin Pierce was arrested

during his term as President

for running over an old lady with his horse,

but the charges were later dropped.

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NASDAQ stand for,

“National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotations.”

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The revolving door was invented in 1888,

by Theophilus Van Kannel.

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The Golden Gate Bridge was first opened in 1937.

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The first email was sent out by Ray Tomlinson in 1971

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The song “Strawberry Fields Forever” sung by the Beatles

refers to an orphanage located in Liverpool.

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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More Monday Madness – It’s Quiz Show Answers Time Again

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another Monday and more quiz show answers. Those that know about these things tell me that the universe is expanding. All I can tell you it would need to be expanding fast because the amount of stupidity in the world is accelerating at a phenomenal rate.

Want proof?

Read on….(and enjoy)

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Q: An article of clothing kids usually don’t like wearing   

A: Gap 

 

 

Q: An occupation in which you disguise your appearance           

A: Doctor

 

 

Q: Name something women borrow from each other      

A: Husbands

 

 

Q: Name a bad place to look for good husband material

A: Family Reunion

 

 

Q: Name something you put under a pillow        

A: Radio

 

 

Q: An astronaut

A: Neil Young

 

 

Q: Name something a man wears to bed           

A: Condom

 

 

Q: Name a room in the house where the family gathers   

A: Bathroom

 

 

Q: Name something people do when they’re alone         

A: Make love

 

 

Q: Name something starting with “egg”  

A: Excellent

A: Eggland

 

 

Q: Someone you’d never want to see the results of your IQ test 

A: The IRS

 

 

Q: Name a pie that does not contain fruit           

A: Lemon Meringue

 

 

Q: An ugly color           

A: Puce

 

 

Q: The one thing people know about Rosie O’Donnell.   

A: That she was the wife on the TV show “Roseanne”

 

 

Q: Name something a wife tells her husband to put on   

A: Makeup

 

 

Q: Name something a woman out on a date would hate to discover on her face  

A: Booger

 

 

Q: Name a department in a supermarket

A: Lingerie

 

 

Q: Name something you keep in the drawer beside your bed      

A: Contraceptives

 

 

Q: Name a magazine that many men get subscriptions to as gifts           

A: Playgirl

 

 

Q: The one word that people yell at the end of a performance    

A: “I love you.” 

 

 

Q: Someone Bugs Bunny might invite to his birthday party         

A: Doc 

 

 

Q: Name something that might get backed up   

A: Trash

A: Yourself

 

 

Q: Name something you know about Rudy Giuliani        

A: Absolutely nothing

 

 

Q: Name something you’d yell at if it stopped working   

A: Spouse

 

 

Q: Name a game show title that best describes your marriage    

A: Happy Days 

 

 

Q: Name a food that’s red on the inside

A: Kiwi 

 

 

Q: The talent show with the crankiest judges, past or present      

A: America’s Funniest Home Videos

 

 

Q: Name something you wash once a week       

A: Self 

 

 

Q: Name a TV show with the word “family” in it, past or present  

A: My Three Sons

 

 

Q: One of Santa’s reindeer        

A: Nixon

 

 

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