Gullibility test kit – send $19.99 now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Gullible or not now is your chance to look at this week’s selection of word plays, better known as puns.

As usual they come with choice….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I have four problems in life:

counting,

remembering

and counting.

 counting sesame street

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I was driving along the other day,

when a bloke stopped me and said,

“Your back mud flaps have fallen off.”

I said, “Can’t do much about it now,

I’ll just carry on rear guard less.”

 mud flaps

.

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Stable relationships

are for horses

 Stable relationships are for horses

.

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My friend told me that after years of doubt,

he is now convinced my wife is having an affair.

“We’ve gone and moved 250 miles away,” he told me.

“And we’ve still got the same window cleaner.”

 window cleaner

.

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It’s times like these, when I’m sat

in bed with my computer on my knee,

that I really wish I’d bought a laptop.

 computer

.

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I think I may have a shower.

Just checked, yes I do, it’s upstairs.

 a shower

.

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I just found $20 hanging from my ceiling.

It was a suicide note.

 $20 bill

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Exaggerations went up

by a million percent last year.

 sales chart

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If Einstein hadn’t come up with

the Theory of Relativity,

someone else would have.

It was only a matter of time.

 Einstein

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My cat is absolutely terrified

of thunder and lightening.

The pussy.

 lightning

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What part of my body is as long as your thigh,

contains over 120 muscles,

and is an anagram of “pensi”?

No, you’re completely wrong.

The correct answer is my spine.

 spine

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According to my facebook timeline,

I had no life before joining Facebook in 2012.

I believe it to be the other way around.

Facebook-Timeline-Evolution

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E-mail Is Post, Modern.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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E-mail is post, modern – get it?

Yes, it’s pun day again.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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The poet had written better poems,

but he’d also written verse.

poetry_butcher_colour_new

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Those who get too big for their britches

will be exposed in the end.

ripped pants

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“This must be an aerobics class!”

the blonde worked out at the gym.

step aerobics

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When the doctor told him he was missing 

a left ventricle and a left aorta 

the patient laughed half-heartedly.

half_hearted

.

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I’ve got some good advice for the camera shy.

Use coconuts instead.

cartoon-coconut-joke

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I like European food so I decided to Russia over there

because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu

I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished

I told the waiter, Spain good,

but there is Norway I could eat another bite

europe_map_political

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Those who study the moon are optimists

– they look at the bright side.

moon bright dark sides

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To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.

rope trick

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You know, vultures can make really good comedy actors.

I really loved them in those old “Carrion” movies.

vulture

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When a skunk walked in, the judge said,

‘odor in the court’.

Skunk

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How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

Dyslexic-CPR

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I had an accident in chemistry class yesterday

when I spilled some sodium chloride

and sulphuric acid over myself.

It was terrible.

I didn’t know how to react.

chemistry class

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I’ve just gone into the bedroom

and someone’s stolen my bed.

Honestly.

I’m not lying.

empty-master-bedroom

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My friends tell me that I’m terrible at telling jokes.

I always punch up the mess line.

spitzer_punchline

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The phone rings, and the wife answers it.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

“I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV – who shall I say is calling?”

woman-in-curlers-and-her-robe-answering-a-phone-call-by-ron-leishman-16781

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

furniture-delivery

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

barbercue

.

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

clingy

.

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

jump

.

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

phillip-lim-ss-2012

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

cartoon-bed-6

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

thyme-rubbed-pork-chops-with-pesto

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds

.

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

bono

.

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

swiss-flag

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed

.

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

man-looking-into-car-keys-locked-in-ignition

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

bttf-delorean

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

.

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

human-cannonball

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

Freud Egg

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

bunch-bananas

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

coop d'etat

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

frog toad

.

Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

fighting tooth and nail

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

TOULOUSE_mascot

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

heir conditioning

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

Baschenis_Evaristo-Self-Portrait_with_Musical_Instruments

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

milk

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This is just bang out of order!

bang out of order

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

pretentious

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

trampoline

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

have a wee cough

.

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

7up can

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

FLYING PAN

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

bad sense of direction

.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

bad waiter

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

bear

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

surpermarket aisle

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It’s Another Word Play Day, So Time For Some More Puns

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more bad jokes wrapped up as puns. I am slightly amazed, but also pleased, that the puns have been received so well by most readers. So it wasn’t only me!  

Enjoy.

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Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

 

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When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.      

 

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The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

 

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The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.       

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Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.

 

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A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

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I didn’t want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.

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For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.           

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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

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I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.

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I don’t think I need a spine. It’s holding me back.           

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What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re so pointless.

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Old colanders never die, they just can’t take the strain anymore.

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I probably have blind spots, but I don’t see them.

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After winter, the trees are relieved.

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Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

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The shareholders of a compass manufacturer were concerned that the company wasn’t heading in the right direction.

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I’m bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

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The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

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The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.

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Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.

It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).  

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MAINE

  • To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
  • Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
  • It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)

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MARYLAND

  • It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
  • An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
  • You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
  • It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
  • Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)

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MASSACHUCETTS

  • At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
  • It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
  • Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
  • All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
  • It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
  • Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
  • A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
  • Quakers and witches are banned.

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MICHIGAN

  • Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
  • It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
  • Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
  • It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
  • There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
  • In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months. 
  • A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)

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MINNESOTA

  • It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
  • A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
  • Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
  • Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
  • Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)

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MISSISSIPPI

  • If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
  • It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
  • A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
  • It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)

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MISSOURI

  • It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
  • No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
  • It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
  • A milk man may not run while on duty. 
  • It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.  (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
  • Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)

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MONTANA

  • One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
  • It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
  • In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
  • It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
  • It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
  • Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
  • It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
  • Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)

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NEBRASKA

  • If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
  • It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
  • Doughnut holes may not be sold.
  • It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)

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NEVADA

  • It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
  • A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
  • It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
  • Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)

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NEW HAMPSHIRE

  • On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
  • It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
  • Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
  • A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)

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NEW JERSEY

  • It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
  • In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
  • You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
  • It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
  • It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
  • You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)

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NEW MEXICO

  • Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
  • Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
  • It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
  • Abusing a computer is a crime.
  • You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.

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NEW YORK

  • Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
  • It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
  • Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
  • The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
  • A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
  • While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
  • Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)

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NORTH CAROLINA

  • It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
  • In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
  • Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
  • While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
  • Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

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NORTH DAKOTA

  • It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
  • Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
  • Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
  • It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
  • One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
  • A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.

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Another Anagram Sunday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What better way to spend a quiet Sunday than reading a few more of those word puzzles called anagrams. As usual it is a mixture of new subjects and old, but I hope you find something in this lot to make you smile.

Enjoy.

 

 

‘Animal Farm by George Orwell’

Minor war fable? Allegory gem!

———————-

 

‘The Terrorist Osama Bin Laden’

This rotten Arab is real demon.

———————-

 

‘The Prince of Wales (Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor)’

Diana Spencer? Elbow her, forget her…now to thrust penis right up Camilla.

———————-

 

‘Elvis Aaron Presley’

Seen alive? Sorry, pal!

———————-

 

‘Nurse Florence Nightingale’

Heroine curing fallen gents.

———————-

 

‘Husband and wife’

Fun was had in bed

———————-

 

‘Feeling romantic’

Flaming erection!

———————-

 

‘Cosmetic surgery’

“Yes, I correct mugs.”

———————-

 

‘Public relations’

Crap, built on lies

———————-

 

‘Internet chat rooms’

The moron interacts

———————-

 

‘Election results’

“Lies! Let’s recount!”

———————-

 

‘The Mona Lisa’

Ah not a smile?

———————-

 

‘Presbyterian’

Best In Prayer

———————-

 

‘Madam Curie’

Radium came

———————-

 

‘Mitt Romney for President’

money first pride, torment!

———————-

 

 ‘A telephone girl’                                 

Repeating “Hello”

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