I Never Question Myself. Why Should I Start Now?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

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I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

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My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

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I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

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My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

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Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

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I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

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My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

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I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

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I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

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My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

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My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

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I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

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My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

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Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

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Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

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Shock Headline: Rising Numbers Are On The Increase.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But no shock that today is another Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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Just opened my Electric bill and my Water bill at the same time.

I was completely shocked.

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The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

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Keifer Sutherland was held up by Homeland Security

when he flew into LA airport for the

filming of the first episode of a new TV series.

They asked him the purpose of his visit and he said,

“I’m here to shoot a pilot.”

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My great uncle was so stubborn,

when he died, he left a won’t.

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“You make a very good cuppa,” she said.

“It’s my special tea,” I replied.

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I fell down a really deep dark hole today.

I just couldn’t see that well.

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There are countless films without Dracula in them.

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Just read a really sad story about how

blind people get used to new surroundings…

Touching stuff.

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I’ve decided to stop wearing my glasses.

It makes me look harder.

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 A rule of grammar:

double negatives are a no-no.

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So here I am trekking through the woods……

hang on, bear with me

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Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human.

But on a much bigger scale.

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I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.

He said, ” Only if you make up the time.”

I said, ” OK. It’s 35 past 50.”         

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I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today,

so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

Just ice was served.         

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Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant.         

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Another Tuesday And Another List Of Those Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another Tuesday and another list of questions so important that no one seems to want to ask them –  except here of course.

Enjoy.

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Where does the toe-tag go on a dead person if they don’t have toes?

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If you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?

Gravity elevator

 

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Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says “Not available in all states”?

“Not available in all States”

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Do they bury people with their braces on?

braces

 

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How far east can you go before you’re heading west?

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Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?

dentist

 

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If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?

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Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?

Bowler

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Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot, and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

 

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If pro and con are opposites, wouldn’t the opposite of progress be congress?

 

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Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don’t taste or smell anything like it.

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If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

 

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If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

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Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?

 

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If a transvestite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

 

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When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

partly sunny? – or – partly cloudy?

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Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

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If a baby’s leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn’t come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?

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Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

The square bread – round meat conundrum

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Why is the Lone Ranger called ‘Lone’ if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?

Lone Ranger and Tonto

 

 

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